Blind Rage: Is It Love or Is It Anger?

Photo by David Underland

What is blind rage? I found several different definitions for this coined terminology ranging from “uncontrollable, psychologically-blinding anger” on Wikipedia to Urban Dictionary definitions  explaining it as “extremely angry that you want to destroy everything that surrounds you without mercy.” I also saw one that defined it as kicking your amygdala into gear for survival narrowing your focus to the predator in front of you.

The most scientific one I found was for Berserker or Blind Rage Syndrome in an abstract written by Armando Simón defining it as “(a) a violent overreaction to physical, verbal, or visual insult, (b) amnesia during the actual period of violence, (c) abnormally great strength, (d) specifically target-oriented violence.” (Abstract)

I want to explore an idea here. I don’t know if love and rage are connected, but I want to enter a world in which they are, so if you don’t mind, walk with me.

Once upon a time several years ago I sat in my room listening to a deranged man berating someone that I love dearly… again. I finally got to a point where I couldn’t take it anymore. I looked up the word narcissist and walked myself right into the room. I held my phone out, although he definitely wouldn’t be able to read it from where he was, and told him he needed to look up the word and read up on himself.

Little did I know I was kicking the hornet's nest. I had let the hornets buzz, but now I was taking action. It was time for extermination.

This already pissed-off man turned his insidious anger toward me. He started to yell and get in my face. I wish I could tell you what he said but honestly, I blocked it out. All I really remember was walking into the room, throwing out my accusations (accurate if you ask me), and then being in a position where my mom and sister were trying to pull me away from beating the crap out of this man.

I went into a state of blind rage. I can vaguely recall him telling me to ‘hit him’ and that ‘he has fought bigger girls than me’ and ‘he wasn’t afraid of me’. I can remember him right in my face, his eyes diabolical and crazed. I can remember going in for the punch only to be pulled back. While none of it is totally clear now, there is a fear that settled into my mind in the aftermath. I wasn’t afraid that I was ready to fight to defend myself and the people I love. What scared me was that I could have killed that man at that moment without conscious thought.

I have never been a violent person. As a matter of fact, I dropped a karate class in college because I didn’t like hitting people (and only one person in the class was getting an A but that is beside the point). I had one spar with someone, it terrified me, and I left sobbing. I dropped the class that afternoon. I also have a weird physical intimacy thing where I do not like touching people. I feel uncomfortable showing affection through touch. I will give hugs, but I am rather short on the affectionate side unless it is with a romantic partner (you can ask my sisters and all the cuddles I have denied them over the years).

But at this moment, something came out of me that was simply not who I am to my core. This man had pushed me. This man had pushed me to a state of survival where I could not see anything but him as an enemy and a threat to my family.

So, it poses the question does rage stem from love? Or is it simply a means to survive?

For me, in that moment, I believe it stemmed from love. I needed to protect and eliminate the threat to the people I love the most. While his actions came from a place of control, mine came from a place of care. While his words instigated a fight to prove himself, my body was acting to save.

I think rage can stem from both. In narcissistic people and sociopaths, it is more likely a tactic. A means to an end to get what they want. A form of control. When they don’t feel like they have control they act in physical ways because their words aren’t working. If they can put a person in a state of fear and submission, they are more likely to obtain what they want. I also think they act in calculated decisions and that removes blind anger from the scope of their practice.

It only comes back into play for these people when they accidentally go too far one day because the control they have had over their anger finally reaches a breaking point.

For a long time, I was ashamed about this feeling that I had this one moment in my life. This feeling made me scared of myself - this feeling I have never felt again. I thought I broke. I thought something was wrong with me and I was actually a bad person. I thought that there was evil in me and that it was seeping out. I couldn’t believe that someone who dropped karate for the distaste of harming another individual could be consumed by a violent mental state.

I couldn’t comprehend what had happened and I certainly thought it wasn’t normal.

Turns out I’m wrong.

For one, many people have also had moments like this. I know at least three other people in my life, each one acting from a different state, who have had a moment like this. One from betrayal. One for the love of family. One for self-protection. All because there was a deep sadness and hurt and need to survive. A need to take back the situation and protect those that mean the most to them.

Blind rage is real and it is scary, but it is not isolated and it happens. It doesn’t mean it’s something that happens frequently, and if it does, I would advise you to seek someone who specializes in helping with occurrences like this. If not, and if you don’t know already, I want you to know there is nothing wrong with you! You are, at the end of the day, human. A primal being whose brain has not yet entirely updated to fit the modern times and will occasionally do what it needs to do to survive.

So… is blind rage love or anger? I think it’s love, but you tell me.

Love Always,

Riss