Plandid or Candid?

A real-life screenshot of my dating profile

My finger hovers above the option to label another photo…with another title…in the hope the man of my dreams is intrigued enough to swipe right.

Every photo used is carefully selected to construct the most interesting, personality-telling, intriguing display of who I am to attract someone who hopefully aligns with me. A profile was created that is purely plandid.

My love life has been a series of learning moments. Trials built into flings. Tests laid out in situationships. Personal growth sprinkled in everywhere in between. Finding myself single at thirty was the last thing I expected.

Why?

I had a plan.

I had planned my whole life to be married by 25 and have kids a year later.

What. A. Plan. What a delusional construct formulated by society and built into the deepest crevasses in my mind. Influencing my mental state based on whether or not my relationship status is in line with societal norms and expectations rather than being given the freedom to discover what I truly want or is important to me.

When I turned thirty, I curled up in bed and sobbed for a solid thirty minutes. The sobbing was followed by one of the biggest panic attacks I had had in a long time. My meltdown was so heavy, it required a nap to recover for the rest of my day—a product of the expectation I had pressed into my heart and soul. Feeling like I let not just myself down, but everyone else around me.

I had grown up engrossed in Disney (a topic I can’t wait to dive into), relishing in the happy ever afters, and waiting for my Prince Charming to come around. When I started writing in middle school, the story that had no ending was a romance that built a beautiful intensity between two characters, but I didn’t know how to end it. I didn’t know where it was going, and I had no idea how to get there. So it just kept going. I found myself being swallowed up by young adult literature where the girl got the guy or the guy finally got the girl. Living in those moments after watching the tension between two characters finally reach its peak. Whether it is a show or book, there is no better feeling than the release when their lips finally meet and the tight strain that has had a grasp on your chest for the last few chapters or episodes dissolves.

This is what our society presents to us. In a multitude of forms. Especially for women, there is this expedited expectation to do it all. To be a career woman and to start a family while you’re young. The pressure to do it all is exhausting and then when you don’t in time, it hurts and is quickly followed by the feeling of being behind. In Japan, if a woman isn’t married by 25-30, they are referred to as “unsold goods” (upworthy.com) This is the kind of pressure that rests on a woman’s shoulders. Then we have the parents who want a better life for their kids and just want them to succeed, but all that pressure places more expectations. The list goes on.

This could also be coupled with my Catholic upbringing. Especially where in the church we are taught a certain level of independence. But in Catholic school, we are taught uniformity. Dress the same and maintain certain dress code criteria to be a model citizen for society. While I could go much deeper on these two things alone, I will also save this because albeit…

My life was not where I wanted it to be (and still isn’t, but is it ever? It’s more fun living in the spontaneity of it all). Hitting this milestone was a hard reality that I wasn’t going to have what I thought I wanted when I wanted it. It was the universe smacking me upside the head reminding me that I have absolutely no control over anything.

So…I surrendered (or at least continually try to).

This may have been the most profound thought I had that day, or had had in a while and it is a beautiful reminder I use to keep me grounded when I find myself floating away mentally.

I had to teach myself to accept a candid life. To embrace the fact that life doesn’t normally go according to plan. Rather things fall in an order based on a variety of things or they fall away leaving room for new opportunities, new moments, and new people.

I had to learn that planning out every detail in my life isn’t realistic and instead accept the beauty of candid living.

I had to accept that when it comes to romantic love, just because we seek it, doesn’t mean it is going to come when we think we are ready. Rather it comes when we are seeking ourselves first. It doesn’t mean it can’t be created, it just will often be forced, unauthentic, and most likely end in a hell of a lot of pain.

I have had to let go of a lot of thoughts that should have been retired long ago. Sometimes it still hurts. Sometimes I feel that pressure laying heavy on my shoulders, compressing my chest to remind me or tell me I am behind. Yet, these are all thoughts that have been built in an expectation I did not create for myself but rather held onto from others because I didn’t know the difference between where I wanted my life to go and where I thought it needed to go.

It isn’t always easy, but I have found myself craving a candid life. Embracing the moment to moment and leaping into the unknown with fear at my side as a partner. It has allowed me to take my foot off the gas pedal and stop trying to move 100 miles per hour. It has granted me space to fill in the blanks with what I want and with what fuels my soul. It honestly offers me relief from the pressure that has been resting in my mind since the day I was born. It has given me so much freedom.

So, where does that leave me now? When I look at the dating profile I have created. When I find my finger hovering over Plandid or Candid, I select candid – candid like the life I was born into and every moment from here on forward.

Never stop loving. Never stop living. And never stop seeking the life that gives you fulfillment beyond your wildest dreams. It’s only a candid moment away.

Love always,

Riss