PSA: I Hate Valentine’s Day (But It’s Not For THe REason You Think)

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez 🇨🇦 on Unsplash

Happy Valentine’s Day you glorious bastards!

That’s not really a me thing to say, but I just wanted to see how it felt (insert proud, awkward smile here). It felt good. I won’t make it a habit, but yes, you are glorious! And on some days probably a bastard but that’s okay. We all have those days!

However, I digress before I have even begun.

I hate this day and let me tell you why.

Once upon a time, there was a little Marissa who dreamed of her prince charming. Doing all the fun things together, like swinging and holding hands. Or skipping through a field of grass. This little Marissa had so much hope for the love of her life she held on to it for dear life. If it was in doll form, it would probably be suffocated that’s how tight of a grip she held.

Yet, we fast forward and at thirty years old, she finds herself still single and loathing the traditional hallmark holiday. Like it’s an extra special reminder that she is still very single, hustling through life, without the warmth of a partner to bring her flowers and say the words ‘I love you’.

Isn’t that sad?

I’m going to be blunt and honest here: It kind of fucking sucks.

In the span of my life, I have had a Valentine a handful of times. The most prominent and memorable one was after I started dating my first boyfriend. I was nineteen years old and I was in my second semester of Sophomore year. I went over to his apartment and on his bed were these beautiful flowers and chocolates. Something I had never had before. I had told him we didn’t have to celebrate and it wasn’t a big deal, but we did. We went out to dinner and he made me feel so incredibly special. It was my first real Valentine’s. It was an explosion of feeling and one I looked forward to every year.

I never asked myself why I pretended like it didn’t matter, though. I never took a step back and reflected on the thoughts that I had adopted to write off this consumerist holiday. This holiday that signifies you’re either loved or you are not. You have someone or you don’t. I never took the time to figure it out.

Over the last few weeks, my defeat in the dating game has felt imminent. Like maybe I am just destined to be single for the rest of my life. That no matter how hard I try, not to make a connection but just to be real with someone that will lead to more, the hopeful romantic in me has started to die and the cynic has started to move back in.

However, none of this is why I hate this Holiday. The reason I hate this holiday is because I want so desperately to celebrate it. I don’t know if anyone else who is single or has ever been single on this holiday has felt this, but for me, it feels like pretending to hate the holiday is easier than accepting that I wish I wasn’t alone for it.

There is an insurmountable pile of shame that lays on my shoulders if I admit that I kind of love the idea of Valentine’s Day. Not because of the gifts and not because the ‘I love you’s’ somehow means more on this day than any other. No, going out to celebrate any time of the year with someone you love is amazing. But something about being able to share in that with the rest of the world at the same time is kind of beautiful.

I won’t call it FOMO, because it’s not. It’s not a fear of missing out when it’s just a blunt honest reality. It exists and I can’t change my relationship status without a partner by my side.

Romantic love is incredible. It’s strong and sometimes fiery. It’s passionate and it’s dull. It’s monotonous and it’s adventure. It’s shared experiences and extreme heartbreak. It’s every feeling and emotion we as humans are blessed to get to experience and hold. Some deep instinctual part of us knows that and longs for it – most of us anyway.

I long for it.

The amount of times I have given up and let go of searching for a partner is twenty-nine to be exact. Twenty-nine men I have dated and gone out with. Twenty-nine men I have shared some moment of life with whether for a few hours or for years. Twenty-nine men I have hoped would lead to something more. Twenty-nine men whose dates and names I could recount for you except for two of them. How do I know? Because the other day when I was sulking about this upcoming holiday, I made a list. (We will dive deeper into all this at a later date.)

Is it pathetic? Maybe. Is it helpful? Not really. Did it make me feel better in the moment? Oh, absolutely not. It actually made me feel worse. Part of me was screaming twenty-nine disappointments and the other part was yelling twenty-nine lessons.

And I wish it was just this holiday that got to me like this, but it isn’t. It’s also New Year’s and Christmas and my birthday and the Fourth of July and Thanksgiving and everything in between. Every holiday I spend alone and watch my friends and family around me sharing it with their partners brings me so much joy for them and so much sadness for myself.

So, I don’t know if you can relate. I don’t know if you have ever felt the feeling of being so helplessly alone that despite the effort and the desire to share life with another person but it just seems so far out of reach, it hurts. It aches. It’s like a quiet throbbing between the heart and head that Tylenol and Advil aren’t strong enough to cure.

I don’t hate Valentine’s Day. I actually really love what it represents whether it is a Hallmark Holiday or not. I am so blessed with all the love in my life: my friends, my family, my cats, my co-workers. I am incredibly grateful.

But if I’m honest, I hate this holiday because I don’t have that one person to share it with. That will embrace it with me simply because life is worth celebrating in any capacity. And even when I feel my hope dying, I will continue to pump it back to life because this is something I want.

If you are alone this holiday or in a relationship where you feel alone regardless of the physical person you are sharing life with, and feeling the effects of being single yet again, I want you to know that while I can’t take the feelings away, I feel them with you.

If you are a friend in a relationship, let your single friends know how much you love them on this capitalized romantic holiday, and do it before they say something first. Let them know how much they matter because I guarantee that no matter how secure they are and how independent, a small part needs to be reminded that they are still loved and thought about by someone else.

And if you’re still in need, you can be my Valentine.

Happy Valentine’s Day you Glorious Bastards.

I love you!

Love Always,

Riss