Marissa Crockett 4/24/24 Marissa Crockett 4/24/24

So You’ve Got A Case Of ‘The Funk’…

What it is, what it does, and how to get out of it.

It’s not that sitting down to write is daunting. It often never is. Rather it is a beacon of transport for myself. An opportunity to reflect on the going-ons of my life. The ability to reach into what is tugging at my heart and begging me to dive deeper.

I’m not the most fluid of writers, I’ll admit that. It doesn’t mean I don’t strive to create more consistency and aspire to write better with every piece I create. I also know that the likelihood that everything I write is at the same level is a weight-bearing form of judgment I do not wish to place on my shoulders. Why add a burden that will only exist if I feed into it? My words can be thought-provoking or they can be surface-level. It depends on the day. They can be research-based, or simply my thoughts dumped on a page.

The most beautiful part of it all though: I accept it, as it is, whole-heartedly and as 100% me.

Not every word is placed with intention but every piece comes from a deeper place in myself. A place that wants nothing more than to share with the world. Not for the validation but for the community. The aspiration for more connection and understanding of both myself and others.

If I could snap my fingers tomorrow and change one thing in the world, it would be allowing every human being to feel internal peace. To have such clarity of mind, that questioning (although important) what they want to do with their lives, who they want to be, where they want to live, and how they want to affect change - all so it wouldn’t be a concern anymore. Having peace of mind would mean bringing to reality the hopes and dreams of people that often go unattained, blocked from fear itself.

Imagine how successful our world would be. Imagine all the things that would be accomplished if we as a species simply felt peace all of the time. Fear is appropriate in certain circumstances, but in a world where only internal peace exists, would fear still live?

I don’t know that it would. Actually, I don’t think it would. I think fear would become obsolete. Internal peace would negate the effects of the existence of fear because people wouldn’t be afraid to reach for that which they wish to attain in life. There would be no questioning how and people would just do.

I also think this would remove violence and hateful crimes from society. Violence is a direct result of shame and fear and cloaking the world in peace would eliminate those with ill-mannered tendencies. The world would essentially be consumed with contentment and proceed forward with care for others.

Maybe…maybe not.

This hypothetical idea would also cure me of the funk. The one that every couple of months rolls in and pulls me down. Am I funking right now? No, not entirely, but I can feel the subtle hints of it rolling in. However, I know what a funk is, and that simple self-awareness allows me the opportunity to stop it before it takes over.

Not 100% foolproof, but at least I have a chance.

A funk is more or less falling into a state of depression, having a lack of motivation, being deprived of inspiration, and feeling blue. You get the point. And if you’ve never been in a funk, I would love to know how you’ve spent your whole life avoiding them. Maybe my naturally inclined depressive state has made me more susceptible to them (which would make sense), but I have had to learn how to navigate them a little differently than some people.

What are the signs?

I wish I could put onto this page your signs, but alas, I cannot, so instead I will share my own.

Typically I can feel myself starting to drop into this sad frame of mind when my energy levels get low. Or I end up hypersensitive to everything around me going off, my spidey senses if you rather. (It’s essentially the same thing.) The boy doesn’t text me back and I go into a spiral. I look at the amount of money I’m making and panic about where my life is at and what I am doing with it. I start to want to do a million different things and explore other avenues in my life. I feel this neuroticism exploding through my mind. Assuming everyone around me is judging me. Hyper insecurity at work and playing way harder than I am ever ready for.

For years I didn’t have a plan when these sensations and feelings started to consume my mind. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know how to respond or how to shift away from the hurricane of madness rolling up, blowing every conscious thought away. I just let it happen. Uncertain that it was even happening most of the time. Mostly just lost and confused as to what was going on.

It is that feeling of making your bed and then having someone come ruffle the whole thing seconds later. Vile frustration for feeling like work done is useless. This consuming feeling of being obsolete. This inadequacy of everything I do feels subpar. Like there is no winning. There is only the middle of the road and barely getting by.

Then it turns into a straight struggle to allow myself to do anything. My motivation dissipates faster than Thano’s snap. The drive is totally gone. Like someone stole the keys and hid the car. And every time I’m in this state and I sit down to attempt productivity, I am met with nothing. An empty void echoing the never-ending sound of why bother back in my face.

What is a funk?

It’s exhausting to be in this state of mind. It’s more than just feeling obsolete, it is also feeling like there are too many options and that everything feels just out of reach. Life becomes too much. The subtle dip of impossibility rests at the edge of my mind and is ready to reach out and pull me into the darkness. It’s this feeling of drowning when there isn’t even water. Running from a predator that stopped chasing you miles ago. Being punched by an airbag when you’re not even in a car. Burning when no one has even lit a match. The feeling consumes the entire body, poison from the inside out. The mind goes down the hole first and the body follows.

There are two definitions of this phrase that I want to share with you. The Cambridge English Dictionary defines being in a funk as “to be very unhappy and without hope”. Compared to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary places it as a noun and to be in “a state of paralyzing fear or a depressed state of mind.” They also define funk as a “coward”.

I want to take a second to dissect this. Everything I have said thus far is pretty much in line with these definitions, minus the coward (which I don’t love). I’m naturally opposed to incriminating words against other people so not a word I would choose to describe someone who is funking. However, three different dictionaries define the word coward as “a person who lacks courage or is not brave in facing danger, difficulty, pain, or opposition and shows fear or timidity”. (Merriam-Webster, Cambridge, Dictionary.com)

So, I can see why the word was used, however…it also doesn’t make sense. A person going through a funk doesn’t necessarily lack courage or is not brave, but rather is consumed by fear beyond anything else. And if it isn’t fear they are consumed with then it is self-doubt. I believe funking lies on the inside. It’s a mental battle of capability and desired achievement vs what the realistic outcome will be. This always comes back to a pivotal question and doubt for every human: am I enough? will it be enough? have I done enough? This is something we will dive into in a different post but the funk lives here. The depression lives here. The doubt lives here. Lives in this one phrase because we all just want to be enough.

You have to sit in it to move through it

I taught swim lessons for ten years and swam for a long time before that. While my trained distaste for swimming pools increased and I rarely get in them anymore, I have recently gotten back into a bit of swimming to offset the running I am currently unable to do (we love a good injury). I digress...

Let’s talk backstroke for a moment. The stroke where you jump in the pool and push off on your back and then blindly swim to the other end of the pool where you hope to God you don’t smack your head right into the wall. Each stroke has its challenges, but this stroke requires the most trust in self more than any of the others.

There are two common challenges new swimmers have to overcome when they are learning backstroke: trust they won't run into the wall and swim a straight line blind on their back.

From personal experience, there is this constant fear that maybe this time the lane flags are not set the same. Or for some reason, I don’t trust my stroke count from the flags to the wall even though I’ve done it a hundred times. Or I panic and turn over too early having to extend my stroke and breath to hit my flip-turn, leaving me gasping for air when I come up. This is what I call natural fear. The type of fear we need to protect ourselves. It’s logical and appropriate to keep us safe.

I’m going to be honest with you, as a beginner, you will bonk your head several times before you figure out your stroke count. Before you start to trust yourself enough to make it unscathed every time. The head leads, and that can be terrifying. Most people do what they can to avoid physical pain. Some are straight adrenaline junkies. Others, well they have some issues that may need to be diagnosed. When it comes to swimming though, wherever you fall on the spectrum, you learn, like in life, to protect yourself only after having made a mistake once or twice.

New swimmers also tend to end up running into lane lines frequently when they are learning backstroke. A lot of people can adjust and teach their bodies to straighten out, but a lot of these people don’t know what they did. They just did it and they don’t care to know why. The other half don’t figure it out, and keep running into the lane line over and over again. They don’t understand how to fix this quite simple issue. Their subsidized fear prevents them from asking for help or advice and they live in this pattern. There are very few self-taught swimmers or those who learned with not the greatest instruction, who reach for an answer. But I’ll let you in on this simple secret:

It's all in the head.

Much like the funk! Your head could be so slightly off a straight and narrow course that every time, it will take you right to the edge of that lane (or into the person swimming next to you). Adjust your head position, and you will swim a straight line every time. Your laps will naturally get faster and like the aversion of hitting the wall, you will start to trust your body more.

My point is that, like swimming, funking is all in the head. It’s in the position and it is in the mind. It’s subtle shifts that can take us from good to great. That can take us from not possible to unstoppable. But we have to sit in those moments first. We have to move through them to allow ourselves the possibility of getting out. This is how we learn, we experience and we dive deeper, so to speak, to correct the issue and come out swimming stronger on the other side.

So how do we get out?

Let’s GTFO (or just get out)

Tony Robbins has famously said, “Change your state, change your story”.

Back in 2022 I attended a virtual Tony Robbins conference and had the time of my life. I spent the whole weekend in my room laughing and crying and jumping up and down and singing and screaming. I went through every emotion on the scale and embraced the conference for what it is, a moment to Unleash the Power Within. A moment I was accepting to become a reality for the rest of my life.

This phrase was used continuously throughout the weekend. Before almost every talk they would play vibrant, upbeat music hits and hundreds of screens aired people jumping and dancing around their living rooms.

By the end of the weekend, I had signed up for 1-on-1 coaching sessions. I was matched with a life coach based on a DISC (drive, influence, support, and clarity) assessment which is incredibly informative for the self. If you’ve never done a DISC assessment I do recommend it. I also recommend sharing it with employers so they can better understand you. Of course, everything can be taken with a grain of salt but as I refreshed myself on my own, I was re-astounded to see the accuracy of all the traits I have, positive and in need of greater attention, that I struggle to put into words for others.

My coach and I sat down and talked about some of my weaker points, or points of needed improvement. My lack of drive can be a struggle for me. My depression or funks can also get the better of me more often than not. I was encouraged to change my state when I get into this mode. We discussed different methods I could do from standing up and making my physical body big and saying something positive about myself to dancing around my room. We mostly talked about how my physicality exists when I’m funking and how changing my physical body can help shift me out of it. It works… when I can muster the energy to get into a different physical position that doesn’t include curling into a ball.

My only quip with this particular way out is that sometimes we need to sit in this feeling first. A couple of years ago I was listening to an episode of The Adult Chair with Michelle Chalfant on Spotify and they were talking about how twenty minutes of sitting in sadness can have lasting effects for up to four hours after. So, while it is vitally important to sit in our feelings, it is equally important to shift ourselves out of it as well. Especially if these moods last for days, we may need to take more time to ourselves to figure out the heart of the problem.

We need these two healing techniques in tandem with each other for the most successful outcome.

If you don’t have any of your own methods to get yourself out of a funk, here are a few of mine!

· Just do it – the errand, chore, assignment, work, the damn thing.

I often find myself forcing myself to do the things I don’t particularly feel like doing because I know that if I don’t do it now, it won't get done or I’ll keep putting it off. When you force yourself to do the things you don’t want to do, it is the physical action that can start to shift the mind out of the funk. Sometimes it can take days of this, but the sense of accomplishment will satisfy the need to feel productive.

· Meditate/Box Breathing

It’s no secret the health benefits meditation can provide. It is really just a form of development for self-awareness. Diving into 5-minute meditations here or there can impact your ability to connect and figure out what is really going on inside, to get to the heart of the funk. Like meditation, box breathing (inhale, hold, exhale, hold) for counts of 4 centers the mind on something controllable and will calm your nervous system down.

· Exercise/Dancing

I put more gym time in. Getting up and moving in ways that make me feel good gets me back in my body and out of my head. When I’m in a struggle-state of mind, it usually means I’m too in my head. Movement gets me to focus back on my body which takes the pressure off my tendency to overthink things. Recently running and practicing line dances in my room has been simply the best! Find your physical vice, even if it means forcing your body to move at first.

· Focus on Your feet

By putting attention on your feet and how they feel in your shoes, your socks, or whatever surface they are on, will pull you back into your body. It is a grounding technique I use when my head starts to fill with foggy air.

· Write (Get Creative!)

This is my natural form of expression and I love sharing it with other people! This gets my thoughts or whatever is bothering me onto paper. More often than not, when I’m writing these pieces they center me and give me more clarity and perspective on my life and the world around me. Find your own creative freedom to release the funk onto! Whether that is cooking, drawing, painting, pottery, sewing, coloring, etc. Find it, hold it, and use it!

· Get to a Safe Place/Space

Where would you go if you needed time to yourself? This might be your safe space. This might be the place that helps you process and evaluate what is happening in your life at the moment. I get in my car and drive straight to the beach and then, more often than now no matter what season, I get in the water or just sit and think. Being near water helps bring me back and is healing for me. Maybe for you it’s a park, a certain hiking trail, a coffee shop, the movies, or maybe it’s your living room. If you don’t have one, explore your options! They are everywhere and they are endless.

· Call Your Friends (That’s What They Are There For)

This one has taken me a long time to figure out because I am so used to doing life on my own. But friends are there to support you. Sometimes you just need to talk through things, even if you don’t want to. Hearing someone who loves you validate your feelings can often yank the funk right out from underneath your feet. Know who you can call and trust they will hold you with empathy and compassion. This is what friends are for.

***

In this day and age, it’s hard to survive if you’re consumed in this dark hole state of mind. The expectation to keep going is often exhausting in and of itself and this places shame around the whole idea of falling into a funk.

It’s not shameful to funk though. I actually believe it is one of the best things that can happen. It is such a beautiful moment and opportunity for growth. We need these moments so that we can continue to move forward. Sometimes I think a funk is simply our mind telling us we need to stop and pause for a moment. To come back to ourselves because we are doing too much or maybe not quite filling ourselves enough.

I hope nothing but the absolute best for you. You deserve the life of your dreams and no one can stop you, not even your funk.

I’m sending you so much love! Keep on dreaming, keep on doing, keep on going. You’ve got this.

Love always,

Riss

Marissa Crockett 4/10/24 Marissa Crockett 4/10/24

Let’s Talk Daddy Issues

How one phrase has been holding us back and breaking us down and we didn’t even know it.

Let’s Deconstruct The Phrase “Daddy Issues”

For as long as I can remember, jokes about “daddy issues” have not only existed in a variety of settings and circumstances but I have participated in making them. Anywhere from “There are my daddy issues showing up” to “She’s got daddy issues”… Always followed by the disturbing ability to laugh it off and accept that this derogatory statement is the reason for her or his or my behavior.

I was sitting on my tan carpeted floor playing with post ideas for the week and in the middle of an episode of Love is Blind, I was sparked by some conversation being had between two individuals just trying to find the love of their lives. Whether one of them mentioned the daddy issues, or I created the verbiage based on what was happening, I don’t remember, but I know it was enough to get me to write it down. So, I did.

This topic isn’t something I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about but it is something that I feel is important to talk about. This phrase is used too lightly and often in passing with full disregard for how it actually impacts people who have experienced to some degree “daddy issues”. So, I did a little research. I wanted to know, where this phrase came from. I could easily deduce that of course, it comes from some form of neglect by the father in a family that impacts a child into their adulthood. Who started it though? is the question that started running through my mind.

Let’s point the finger at Oedipus…

In high school, we read Oedipus (ed-a-pus in case you don’t know the pronunciation), a Greek mythology tragedy. In short, Oedipus is predicted to grow up and kill his father and marry his mother. After hearing the prophecy, King Laius orders one of his servants to kill the baby (who doesn’t). If you’re good at prediction, I’m sure you can see where this is going. Regardless of the King’s attempt, the prophecy rings true after Oedipus kills King Laius in a quarrel and ends up in Thebe’s where his mother resides. A bunch of other things happen like there is a Sphinx who gives a riddle that Oedipus solves so the Sphinx kills herself allowing access to Thebes and is rewarded with the Queen’s (Oedipus’ mom) hand (you can find more of the story in the link below). This tragedy is revealed and Oedipus’s wife, mother, and mother of his children hangs herself and Oedipus exiles himself. (Story of Oedipus)

I sat back reflecting on this story and was thoroughly confused as to how high schoolers are supposed to grasp the intricacies of this tragedy. That and it doesn’t seem to fit the catholic school setting I existed in…so there is that…)

Anywho!

Sigmund Freud actually coined the term Oedipus Complex, so we could say this is where the discussion and definition of “daddy issues” came from.

The Oedipus Complex is defined by dictionary.com as “the complex of emotions aroused in a young child, typically around the age of four, by an unconscious sexual desire for the parent of the opposite sex and wish to exclude the parent of the same sex.” So basically, it is a sexual desire for one of your parents of the opposite sex and feeling like there is a rivalry between the child and the spouse of the same sex. This isn’t isolated to sex, but any intimacy between a child and that parent.

I had heard the term Oedipus Complex before but understanding what it is kind of blew my mind. And actually, this is developed between the ages of 3-5. That’s so young! Freud also believes that this complex is a natural part of development, however. As long as there is a shift between 5-12, or the latency stage, and developmental conflict is resolved, a healthy adult will seemingly emerge. But what interested me more, was the short dive Freud did into the “Father Complex” between 1910-1913 with fellow psychoanalyst Carl Jung.

Wikipedia describes it as “a group of unconscious associations, or strong unconscious impulses–which specifically pertains to the image or archetype of the father.” In other words, it is the desire to appease a father figure in either a positive or negative way, depending on the circumstances. (encyclopedia.com)

The Father Complex stands alone and didn’t last long. It is a spin-off of the Oedipus Complex and Freud didn’t put much thought or effort into it. So while the Father Complex died fast, the concept did not.

So where does that leave us?

So that took my research back into our modern-day lingo. Exploring what we now refer to as “daddy issues”. Hannah Guy, LCSW, owner of Revive Therapy Services in Philadelphia explains “daddy issues” as “Women who had an absent, abusive, or emotionally unavailable father can and do struggle in adult relationships with men…the term…is belittling and minimizes trauma…makes a woman seem somehow perverse or gross for behavior that’s not really her fault.” (Daddy Issues by Peg Rosen)

The way Peg Rosen breaks down this complex issue is that the term itself “typically targets women who are perceived to have dysfunctional relationships with men”. However, her research backs up that what is used in everyday language goes a little deeper. She chalks it up to none other than insecure attachment styles developed in adolescence (or that 5-12 age) oftentimes coming from the influence of both parents to some degree.

So really it’s attachment issues, not daddy issues…

If you haven’t heard of or picked up the book Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel S.F. Heller, it has blown up in the last few years. I actually received this book on a first date, as a birthday gift… A book I knew I would likely read but have still not been able to crack open past the first couple of chapters. While I wish I could throw out quotes from this book, I have not maintained any of the information from the chapters I sporadically read months ago. While this could be a lack of self-growth, I think not because I have spent countless hours reading books like The 8 Rules of Love by Jay Shetty and How Not to Die Alone by Logan Ury as well as self-improvement books like Radical Self-Confidence by Lisa Bilyeu and the well-known Unfu*k Yourself by Gary John Bishop (All books I highly recommend whether you’re looking for love, in love, or just want to grow the love and power within yourself). While I have trained myself to engage when and where I can in the hopes of expanding my emotional intelligence, learning new ideas, and reading about other people’s experiences, the overhype (and unwanted gift) had deterred my initial interest in learning more about this theory and yet here I am, writing about it.

So as science has come to conclude at the moment, “daddy issues”, a term coined by society is not technically correct. It places a derogatory sentence primarily on women who have suffered from emotional neglect, any form of abuse, physical absence, helicopter parenting, substance abuse, and those parents who are too relaxed or who are consistently unreliable. But this isn’t isolated to just women much to society's dismay. Rather, it is common in most people, especially given humanity is far from perfect and parental mess-ups are practically unavoidable.

However, some kids turn out pretty okay, one might even say healthy! It just means that their parents fell on the healthier end of the parenting spectrum providing the security their kids needed and in turn allowing them to develop a secure attachment style, defined by the APA Dictionary of Psychology as “an attachment style that combines a positive internal working model of attachment of oneself, characterized by a view of oneself as worthy of love and a positive internal working model of attachment of others, characterized by the view that others are generally accepting and responsive” (APA Dictionary).

What’s more according to Psychology Today (psychology today) 40% of people have an insecure attachment style while the majority of the population is actually secure. I’m not going to lie, this stat kind of shocked me. I can credit it to my lived experience and the insecurities that some days swallow me whole. Not pleasant, but real nonetheless. Especially given that I make up, although only slightly, the minority. And that even though it is a part of who I am, the self-awareness I have gained over the years has shifted my perspective to recognizing I can slide into a secure attachment style with a little therapy and the continued desire to grow myself through re-parenting, books, podcasts, patience, and a lot of practice.

Daddy Issues Deconstructed? I think so.

I have spent too many years of my life putting myself and others down for having “daddy issues”, using this term as a joke, when it affects more people on deeper levels than sometimes noticed or recognized.

My dad left when I was twelve years old, then came home, then left again. My dad didn’t always make the best choices and put me in compromising situations. But it wasn’t just my dad. My mom also left me in an emotional caretaker position and handling things a tween should not have been expected to manage. In that case, I can also say I have “mommy issues”.

I think it’s safe to say that the elimination of this terminology can actually bring us back to the root of the problems and create peace within every individual who has struggled to some degree with one or both of their parents. Energy goes where we place the attention and as long as we use phrases like “daddy issues”, it will continue to take away from people's potential. This phrase will continue to restrict the individual’s ability to grow out of the trauma experienced by classifying them by something that was far out of their control. It has become a definition for people and a point of quiet lethal judgment.

Whether you are a man or a woman, a girl or a boy, an it or a them…if you have been describing and attributing your faults to your “daddy issues” or “mommy issues”, you are not wrong. But let’s change the language. Let’s reach for a space where we simply just have issues and they don’t need a label that puts down, deflects, and takes away from the experience of the life we have not necessarily had control over. Let’s turn those issues into opportunities.

I let my childhood trauma define my life and who I am for far too long but I have learned that while it makes up a part of me, it does not determine who I am. My life is defined by the actions that follow my words. I can sit in the shame, or I can learn from the lessons. So if “daddy issues” is what we are going to call it, then I will sit on my mountaintop and scream to the world that I’ve got them, because I won’t shelter myself in the shame of them anymore. No one has that power but me.

If you have thoughts on this topic or have your own experience, I would love to know! It is such an incredible space for conversation and I would love to hear your thoughts!

Keep searching, keep growing, and keep writing the definition for your own life. No one else gets to do that for you.

Love always,

Riss