Let’s Talk Daddy Issues

How one phrase has been holding us back and breaking us down and we didn’t even know it.

Photo by Ian Stauffer on Unsplash

Let’s Deconstruct The Phrase “Daddy Issues”

For as long as I can remember, jokes about “daddy issues” have not only existed in a variety of settings and circumstances but I have participated in making them. Anywhere from “There are my daddy issues showing up” to “She’s got daddy issues”… Always followed by the disturbing ability to laugh it off and accept that this derogatory statement is the reason for her or his or my behavior.

I was sitting on my tan carpeted floor playing with post ideas for the week and in the middle of an episode of Love is Blind, I was sparked by some conversation being had between two individuals just trying to find the love of their lives. Whether one of them mentioned the daddy issues, or I created the verbiage based on what was happening, I don’t remember, but I know it was enough to get me to write it down. So, I did.

This topic isn’t something I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about but it is something that I feel is important to talk about. This phrase is used too lightly and often in passing with full disregard for how it actually impacts people who have experienced to some degree “daddy issues”. So, I did a little research. I wanted to know, where this phrase came from. I could easily deduce that of course, it comes from some form of neglect by the father in a family that impacts a child into their adulthood. Who started it though? is the question that started running through my mind.

Let’s point the finger at Oedipus…

In high school, we read Oedipus (ed-a-pus in case you don’t know the pronunciation), a Greek mythology tragedy. In short, Oedipus is predicted to grow up and kill his father and marry his mother. After hearing the prophecy, King Laius orders one of his servants to kill the baby (who doesn’t). If you’re good at prediction, I’m sure you can see where this is going. Regardless of the King’s attempt, the prophecy rings true after Oedipus kills King Laius in a quarrel and ends up in Thebe’s where his mother resides. A bunch of other things happen like there is a Sphinx who gives a riddle that Oedipus solves so the Sphinx kills herself allowing access to Thebes and is rewarded with the Queen’s (Oedipus’ mom) hand (you can find more of the story in the link below). This tragedy is revealed and Oedipus’s wife, mother, and mother of his children hangs herself and Oedipus exiles himself. (Story of Oedipus)

I sat back reflecting on this story and was thoroughly confused as to how high schoolers are supposed to grasp the intricacies of this tragedy. That and it doesn’t seem to fit the catholic school setting I existed in…so there is that…)

Anywho!

Sigmund Freud actually coined the term Oedipus Complex, so we could say this is where the discussion and definition of “daddy issues” came from.

The Oedipus Complex is defined by dictionary.com as “the complex of emotions aroused in a young child, typically around the age of four, by an unconscious sexual desire for the parent of the opposite sex and wish to exclude the parent of the same sex.” So basically, it is a sexual desire for one of your parents of the opposite sex and feeling like there is a rivalry between the child and the spouse of the same sex. This isn’t isolated to sex, but any intimacy between a child and that parent.

I had heard the term Oedipus Complex before but understanding what it is kind of blew my mind. And actually, this is developed between the ages of 3-5. That’s so young! Freud also believes that this complex is a natural part of development, however. As long as there is a shift between 5-12, or the latency stage, and developmental conflict is resolved, a healthy adult will seemingly emerge. But what interested me more, was the short dive Freud did into the “Father Complex” between 1910-1913 with fellow psychoanalyst Carl Jung.

Wikipedia describes it as “a group of unconscious associations, or strong unconscious impulses–which specifically pertains to the image or archetype of the father.” In other words, it is the desire to appease a father figure in either a positive or negative way, depending on the circumstances. (encyclopedia.com)

The Father Complex stands alone and didn’t last long. It is a spin-off of the Oedipus Complex and Freud didn’t put much thought or effort into it. So while the Father Complex died fast, the concept did not.

So where does that leave us?

So that took my research back into our modern-day lingo. Exploring what we now refer to as “daddy issues”. Hannah Guy, LCSW, owner of Revive Therapy Services in Philadelphia explains “daddy issues” as “Women who had an absent, abusive, or emotionally unavailable father can and do struggle in adult relationships with men…the term…is belittling and minimizes trauma…makes a woman seem somehow perverse or gross for behavior that’s not really her fault.” (Daddy Issues by Peg Rosen)

The way Peg Rosen breaks down this complex issue is that the term itself “typically targets women who are perceived to have dysfunctional relationships with men”. However, her research backs up that what is used in everyday language goes a little deeper. She chalks it up to none other than insecure attachment styles developed in adolescence (or that 5-12 age) oftentimes coming from the influence of both parents to some degree.

So really it’s attachment issues, not daddy issues…

If you haven’t heard of or picked up the book Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel S.F. Heller, it has blown up in the last few years. I actually received this book on a first date, as a birthday gift… A book I knew I would likely read but have still not been able to crack open past the first couple of chapters. While I wish I could throw out quotes from this book, I have not maintained any of the information from the chapters I sporadically read months ago. While this could be a lack of self-growth, I think not because I have spent countless hours reading books like The 8 Rules of Love by Jay Shetty and How Not to Die Alone by Logan Ury as well as self-improvement books like Radical Self-Confidence by Lisa Bilyeu and the well-known Unfu*k Yourself by Gary John Bishop (All books I highly recommend whether you’re looking for love, in love, or just want to grow the love and power within yourself). While I have trained myself to engage when and where I can in the hopes of expanding my emotional intelligence, learning new ideas, and reading about other people’s experiences, the overhype (and unwanted gift) had deterred my initial interest in learning more about this theory and yet here I am, writing about it.

So as science has come to conclude at the moment, “daddy issues”, a term coined by society is not technically correct. It places a derogatory sentence primarily on women who have suffered from emotional neglect, any form of abuse, physical absence, helicopter parenting, substance abuse, and those parents who are too relaxed or who are consistently unreliable. But this isn’t isolated to just women much to society's dismay. Rather, it is common in most people, especially given humanity is far from perfect and parental mess-ups are practically unavoidable.

However, some kids turn out pretty okay, one might even say healthy! It just means that their parents fell on the healthier end of the parenting spectrum providing the security their kids needed and in turn allowing them to develop a secure attachment style, defined by the APA Dictionary of Psychology as “an attachment style that combines a positive internal working model of attachment of oneself, characterized by a view of oneself as worthy of love and a positive internal working model of attachment of others, characterized by the view that others are generally accepting and responsive” (APA Dictionary).

What’s more according to Psychology Today (psychology today) 40% of people have an insecure attachment style while the majority of the population is actually secure. I’m not going to lie, this stat kind of shocked me. I can credit it to my lived experience and the insecurities that some days swallow me whole. Not pleasant, but real nonetheless. Especially given that I make up, although only slightly, the minority. And that even though it is a part of who I am, the self-awareness I have gained over the years has shifted my perspective to recognizing I can slide into a secure attachment style with a little therapy and the continued desire to grow myself through re-parenting, books, podcasts, patience, and a lot of practice.

Daddy Issues Deconstructed? I think so.

I have spent too many years of my life putting myself and others down for having “daddy issues”, using this term as a joke, when it affects more people on deeper levels than sometimes noticed or recognized.

My dad left when I was twelve years old, then came home, then left again. My dad didn’t always make the best choices and put me in compromising situations. But it wasn’t just my dad. My mom also left me in an emotional caretaker position and handling things a tween should not have been expected to manage. In that case, I can also say I have “mommy issues”.

I think it’s safe to say that the elimination of this terminology can actually bring us back to the root of the problems and create peace within every individual who has struggled to some degree with one or both of their parents. Energy goes where we place the attention and as long as we use phrases like “daddy issues”, it will continue to take away from people's potential. This phrase will continue to restrict the individual’s ability to grow out of the trauma experienced by classifying them by something that was far out of their control. It has become a definition for people and a point of quiet lethal judgment.

Whether you are a man or a woman, a girl or a boy, an it or a them…if you have been describing and attributing your faults to your “daddy issues” or “mommy issues”, you are not wrong. But let’s change the language. Let’s reach for a space where we simply just have issues and they don’t need a label that puts down, deflects, and takes away from the experience of the life we have not necessarily had control over. Let’s turn those issues into opportunities.

I let my childhood trauma define my life and who I am for far too long but I have learned that while it makes up a part of me, it does not determine who I am. My life is defined by the actions that follow my words. I can sit in the shame, or I can learn from the lessons. So if “daddy issues” is what we are going to call it, then I will sit on my mountaintop and scream to the world that I’ve got them, because I won’t shelter myself in the shame of them anymore. No one has that power but me.

If you have thoughts on this topic or have your own experience, I would love to know! It is such an incredible space for conversation and I would love to hear your thoughts!

Keep searching, keep growing, and keep writing the definition for your own life. No one else gets to do that for you.

Love always,

Riss

A Failing Forward Perspective

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Photo by Randy Tarampi

“Try again. Fail again. Fail better.” – Samuel Beckett

 There are a lot of things in my life I wish I did better. A lot of things I wish I hadn’t said. A lot of things I wish I hadn’t done. A lot of relationships I could have left behind earlier. A lot of words I could have shared. A lot of apologies and thank yous I could have given.

There is a lot I have failed to do. There is a lot I will fail to do.

And that’s okay.

Failure is one of those words that I have worked to shift into a new perspective for years now.

Growing up, failure was red ink decorating hard work and circling big letters that indicated my intelligence. Failure was met with a pat on the back and a good try when I didn’t win. Failure was everything I ached to get away from because success was the opposite of failure and in my life, there was just failure.

When I watched my parent's marriage fall apart – failure. It meant love had no success rate. Their relationship divulged into anger, resentment, and deep loathing. It taught me a version of success in love that exists, but shouldn’t be modeled.

Failure surrounded me when I watched my sister get her doctorate and master's at twenty-four (so incredibly proud of her), but then look at my life and create comparisons to two entirely different people. Failure is a subtle voice that lingers because, at thirty, I haven’t achieved financial independence and am still alone.

Failure is the hopes and desires my parents have had for me that I have still not met.

Failure can be hard. Painful. Isolating. Dividing. Breaking. Scary. Failure can be a lot of things.

But it can also be hope.

When I first heard Samuel Beckett’s “fail again” quote in a small college performance room, written on a giant whiteboard by our acting coach on the second floor of a building across from Capital Records, I didn’t understand it. In fact, I mentally couldn’t process why anyone would continue to want to fail. Society has so adeptly added negative connotations to the word ‘failure’ that making positive sense of a negative word seemed impossible.

It wasn’t until years after I finally started to put together a new definition of what failure really is and it has shaken everything up for me. (Not always right away, but the shift is positive.)

I have been looking at failure through the lens of disappointment and shame instead of opportunity and growth. I have exacerbated those hurtful feelings by reinforcing the negativity of the word inside my mind.

Even though the shift started to happen, it has still taken a lot of time to and takes a lot of mental power to actively think of failing as positive.

Sara Blakely’s story about failure is one I come back to frequently. If you don’t know who Sara Blakely is, that’s okay because I didn’t either. She is the founder and CEO of Spanx. A woman with a mission to make all women comfortable in their clothes. She also is a major reason I take lessons from my failures.

She grew up sitting around a table with her family every night being asked what they failed at today. The disappointment was never in the failure itself, but in not having something to share. Sara learned at a young age that failure was an opportunity and a chance to learn. It wasn’t something to beat herself up about rather what she could do differently. This offered her perspective into the world most of us weren’t taught.

Her success is built on failure. Steve Jobs success is built on failure. Joe Kudla’s success is built on failure. There is a plethora of people that have succeeded only because they saw failure as a step in the right direction, not a dead end.

While I constantly walk forward and keep working to shift this mindset every single day, I keep in mind that my success is only as wonderful as my biggest failure. But first, I have to be willing to fail. And fail forward we will.

Love Always,

Riss