To Be a Healer

My obnoxious positivity rains down on other people like the after showers of fireworks on the 4th of July. I can decorate people in ribbons and flowers, and make them the prime float in a parade made solely for them. One that shines and pulls in spectators within fifty feet. I can make them glow and remind them of their worth and value, even for a moment.

My silence offers freedom for their thoughts to reverberate into the universe. Every word stopped at my ears’ touch. Allowing their feelings, big or small (always relevant) to enter into a space that holds no echo. And the heat of their secrets burns delicately on my skin sending back warmth and safety.

This is the gift of a healer. A listener. A responder. This is a gift given to others free of charge.

And when my body and ears become fully soaked in the release from others, I take on the responsibility that is not mine. Discerning what belongs to me, and what has leeched itself to my soul. Blending with the oil on my skin, seeping into my blood until what is mine and theirs becomes solely mine.

The emotion-weighted vest that drapes over my shoulders feels impossible to shake off.

While I try to give back to myself, I realize the healer within has given and offered too much to others. Forgotten about healing herself. And now the cost is too high.

Free of charge is the minimum, my life is the maximum. The balance is a cost, and yet still worth every penny.

Warning Signs

Fact: love is blind. If you say otherwise, you haven’t been in an unhealthy relationship (and I’m incredibly grateful you haven’t had to experience that!). I’m not talking about Nick and Vanessa Lachey’s social experiment. I’m talking about real nitty gritty tough relationships that teach you a thing or two about yourself. That love is blinding. Like a car in the night with high beams right in your face. That’s what I mean.

We have this innate ability to gloss over what other people notice because we are too busy basking in the glory of who this wonderful person has made themselves out to be. That is until it’s just the two of you and then the mood shifts. The lights dim and the person that was shining is now barely visible. The darkness they bring makes us question our sanity and our reality. The pretty words whispered in the dark and mental manipulation have us stuck, unable to speak honestly to friends and family because we committed to this. Because we said yes. Because we convinced ourselves that everything has to be all right and we’ve made sure everyone else thinks that way too.

The truth is, our friends and family may know already. They may have already addressed this with us. They may have already seen the shift and change in our demeanor, our words, and our actions. and they recognize that this isn’t a healthy change because they know us better than we wish they did at this particular moment in time.

By the time the warning signs are clear to us, it feels too late. it feels like being stuck inside some demented dream where as hard as you try, waking up doesn’t seem to be an option. Instead of admitting to everyone else (who would welcome us back with open arms) and ourselves (the admittedly harder of the two) that we were wrong, we lock the shackles ourselves and toss the key across the room. 

There are a lot of toxic people in this world, and I don’t necessarily blame them to an extent... we as a society are not (generally) taught how to feel, communicate, and live healthy emotional, responsive lives. Especially if you grew up in an unhealthy environment it means your entire learning experience was built in a state of emotional instability fostered by a severe lack of self-awareness. How would you know where to even begin? How would you know if you’re even doing anything wrong? 

Truth: you probably wouldn’t. The knee-jerk reaction to defend yourself when someone approaches you about their feelings as a result of something you did is instinctual, a survival mechanism that continues the cycle of toxicity within your behaviors as well as the relationships you enter into.

Relationships can be amazing for growth – someone comes in and shows us a mirror to expose all the toxic traits we exhibit and is like ‘Wake up mother fucker, you got shit to fix.’

And in reality…healthy or not, we all have things to keep working on and fix. Life is a constant adjustment period

Because in my life experience (in which I have only had the pleasure of experiencing the two most dramatic ends of the spectrum), I believe this can go one of two ways: one partner says ‘Oh yeah, you’re right. let me have a closer look at that mirror. it’s time to make some changes,’ while the other throws themselves a nice pity party and hunkers into a doomsday bunker like the whole world is out to get them. Then they get so comfortable in there that the thought of getting out wouldn’t just be the end of the world, but the end of everything they’ve ever known. Then they would have to admit that they are kind of a shitty person and look themselves in the face… and that’s a scary thought. 

I’m going to be real here: at the end of the day, we have all been a shitty person to someone or about something to some degree. Even if you are the best person in the world, you’ve had to learn and grow in some capacity. The difference is choosing self-awareness vs. choosing to stay stagnant. Sometimes that is what friends are for.

While I have slightly digressed, no one deserves this treatment. If you have been fighting tooth and nail to grow and be a better person every single day in a tough relationship, you have most likely outgrown your partner. Listen to those closest to you. Hear them out.

I cannot say enough how important friends are. They are a solid reason for support because they will see the waiving red flags long before you do. Especially if you are, like me, easily swayed by pretty words and attention from any man who might be willing to give it to you for five minutes. (Yes, I realize that might sound a little pathetic, but it’s true! I’m here to own it and also am 100% working on it.)

My point is that your circle of friends is going to know you. They will start to see your spiral. They will notice your change in behavior before you do. They will see the shift, the distance, or whatever else it may be. They will know something is wrong or off. They will come in as the knight in shining armor to confront you out of love and the safety of you.

Speaking from experience, when my best friend approached me about my ex, while it wasn’t the most graceful of approaches, I disregarded it and we ended up having a full fallout 6 months later. We have happily been reunited since then but that was a stressful time. I couldn’t understand what she saw because I wasn’t looking for it. I also didn’t think I deserved better so instead I justified the actions and behaviors of my then-partner. 

But she saw the change, she saw his possessive nature, and whether we were close or not at that point, she saw a change in me that didn’t feel right. She knew and acknowledged what I couldn’t at that point in my life.

This wasn’t just isolated to friends. My sisters saw it too and they were much more forward about it with me. Again, I was in denial because I just wanted to be loved. I wanted a certain life and I was willing to compromise myself and my happiness for it even when I knew it wasn’t right.

Today I like to think I’m a little more self-aware than that. that if my friends approached me about a situation, I would easily be able to say okay and re-evaluate what was going on in me and in the situation itself.

So, my advice to all those going through it, listen to your friends and family. If you trust them and if they know you, they seriously just want to help and want the best for you. They love you, more than someone who controls and manipulates ever will. They want your freedom while that other person wants you caged. 

There will always be lessons that have to be experienced to truly be learned, and one’s friends and family won’t be able to save you from. While the honesty provided by those closest to you may sometimes hurt, they love you and it will come with grace and care for the person that you are. 

If you are in one of these situations right now, struggling to get through another day. Fighting yourself and the person you love. Searching for hope while watching the security in your life slipping away. If you’ve heard the words from others, and if you have denied them to protect your ego, I want you to know I see you and I feel you. You are on the edge of a new beginning. The first thing you have to do is let go and embrace that it’s going to be okay. The care and self-awareness I hope you one day have for yourself will be carried by those closest to you until then (and I promise, they don’t mind).

12 life tips you forgot you needed (part 1)

the last few weeks have been a roller coaster of ups and downs - what am I saying, that has been my entire life. I guess it’s a good thing I like roller coasters because otherwise, this would be terrible. however I have learned a lot through my short 29 years on this earth that I am so incredibly blessed with. so in today’s episode of my heart on a page, you’ll find unwarranted advice that you simply didn’t know you needed (or maybe needed a little reminder of). I know I certainly did.

this post will be broken up into 3 pieces so keep your eye out for the next 3 blog posts I have for you, and me, and anyone else who needs, wants, or you insist must hear it. and these are in no particular order because I believe they are all equally important depending on the season of life I am in. so take them as they apply to you!

12. build yourself a damn morning routine

            too all my people that love and hate routine at the same time (enter younger version of my conflicted self here) – I get it. you want the life that allows you to be free and open. to live a life of adventure with a certain amount of chaos sprinkled on the side. yet you also want that life that has some level of consistency to keep you grounded. if this isn’t you, that’s great because I’m sure this will still help no matter what your lifestyle is.

            first of all, if you already have a morning routine (insert round of applause) I have multiple questions – how long did it take for you to create one for yourself? do you ever get bored in your routine? do you feel like your day is more successful since you’ve made it consistent? (email me! I really do want to know!)

            for everyone else. I’m not going to tell you what to do, (also because I’m sure you’ve heard some of this before) but I’ll tell you what I have learned from my experience. over the years I have learned a lot about how having a morning routine makes me feel successful at the beginning of the day which creates higher levels of productivity. I have always teetered on some edge of consistency whether it be a shower, smoothie, or exercise. but over time I had to realize that based on my work start time, this isn’t always realistic.

            if I were to get up before work and workout today, I would be up at 3 in the morning! 4, I’m okay with, but I don’t have the wherewithal to go to bed at 7:30 every night.

            last summer I did a workshop that challenged participants to create a solid morning routine. ya’ll, I took this on and then some. I wanted to get up, meditate, do my gratitude’s, journal, do core exercises, foam roll, have lemon ginger tea and then I could do the rest of my day. that is a lot to do in an hour! that also doesn’t include physically getting myself dressed and personal hygiene. I had the intention to tackle a lot and it wasn’t manageable so it didn’t stick and I wound up feeling more discouraged than before.

            I ended up taking a break from my routine which allowed me the chance to figure out what is important to me or necessary for me at the start of my day to make me feel successful rather than overwhelmed.

            the only things I make the intention to do now are make my bed, meditate for ten minutes, and do my morning gratitude journal. some days, I don’t get to them all and that is okay! I’ve accepted my humanness to not be perfect.

my challenge to you, if you haven’t started this, pick one thing to add to your morning! just one. then once you’ve mastered that add a second. get up to three solidified in your morning routine. if you want to add more get yourself a nice rotating schedule of daily habits that no matter which of those you complete or have time for, you have already accomplished so much!

11. you best be grateful or else you be a fool

            several years ago, I put myself through a codependency program because I thought there was a lot wrong with me (thank you toxic relationships). and while I don’t classify myself as codependent rather a human being who sometimes has codependent qualities that I’m working on, I learned a lot.

            this program didn’t require it, but it encouraged doing daily gratitude’s. so, I bought myself a cute journal and made it my gratitude journal. (yes, cliché, I don’t care.) it seriously does help. at least for me and everyone else I know that has stuck to or been able to verbally acknowledge the things in life they are grateful for. and yes, I’m sure you have heard this many times before as well! I am not the first person to say this.

            finding gratitude in even the little things will change not just your day to day but your entire outlook on life.

let’s take a trip down memory lane - when I was thirteen, had they not found the tumor cutting off the circulation in my body, I could have been paralyzed. thankfully, that was not the case for me and I was able to recover fully. still, I had to relearn how to walk, dress myself, go to the bathroom by myself. I had to relearn how to physically function as a capable human being.

            some of the things that go in my journal are simply being grateful for waking up in the morning. being able to walk. being able to dress myself. being alive. I tell people that it is a great day every day that I wake up! currently I am following a journal that takes me through my days priorities, things I’m thankful for, gives me (sometimes rather sassy) quotes, and a win that I had the day before. then there is a check-in for me at the end of the day so I can circle back around.

            you guys! again, if you are not doing this, I seriously encourage you to. the world is going to start looking a whole lot different once you start acknowledging the small things in life that I know you already appreciate.

            so, to you and the twenty-year-old me – be more grateful damn it! it’s a beautiful life no matter the circumstances. you woke up and that makes it another day - another opportunity to change the world!

10. you’re allowed to feel two emotions at the same time

            this one is compliments of my friend Jess. I don’t know about you, but I sometimes feel conflicted when I’m let down by someone but understand their side at the same time…

there have been times in my life where I have struggled with two conflicting emotions. almost as if they are battling each other out. one screaming ‘but they let you down and that hurt!’ the other shouting back ‘but we understand their perspective and the situation.’

in life, not everything is going to go as planned. mistakes are going to happen, and yes, we will be disappointed by people and situations. that is a part of life. I was never taught that it’s okay to be empathetic with someone else but also be able to express my feelings about why I feel the way I do about it. (without placing blame! important people.) so I had to learn.

I’ve been on a few dates in the last couple months with a guy I really like. we had a date planned for the movies and he just so happened to take a nap a beforehand and slept a little longer than planned. I felt so conflicted inside because I could tell he felt bad about it and I understood he didn’t mean for it to happen. it didn’t take the disappointment away from something that I was really excited about though. someone I was excited about for the first time in a long time.

            my internal emotions were in straight collision with each other flying back and forth. and let me tell you, I was confused. I wanted to be upset but didn’t feel like I could be.

            that is until I had a conversation with Jess and she said ‘you can be disappointed and also be sympathetic.’ I can acknowledge what it brings up related to my own issues and insecurities and also sympathize with a mistake. with the stress of knowing I have somewhere to be right now and I’m definitely late. (that may be one of the top 10 worst feelings. the sheer anxiety and panic that sets in the body and knowing that all I can do is wait and be patient.) I totally understood what happened, that it was an accident, and how he felt.

            but I couldn’t disregard my own either. before Jess gave me that piece of advice, I thought I either felt my own feelings and was a b*tch for it or totally understood anyone else and disregarded my own. if you replace the word or with and, it changes everything.

this goes beyond romantic relationships. it applies to friendships and families. it works situationally. it could be the bagel you were excited about but they accidentally burned because they were slammed. it could be the weather on your birthday – planning a party for sun but it rains. not getting the job you wanted simply because it wasn’t the right fit or not getting an invitation to that friend’s party you desperately thought you would be invited to.

all of these invoke hurt in some way shape or form. and to that I say, it’s okay for you to feel two different things at the same time! embrace your own emotions and as long as the situation calls for it, you can understand theirs too.

9. let your friends support you (unless your friends suck, then get new friends)

            this is a big one. okay I have always been blessed with great friends. over the years, I have run in circles with inconsistent friends and friends who I’ve fallen out of friendship with and then back into friendship with. I have had friends who I can totally rely on and others that I can’t. I have had friends that were a temporary part of my life and friends that have stuck by me for decades. in each phase of my life I have had people that I love. my point is have friends! but then there is the support that comes with it.

            it can be so hard to rely on the people closest to you. there might be times when you can totally depend on them and there might be times when there is a fear to tell them anything. if they are good friends, not only will they support you, but they will also be honest with you.

            the other day I had a conversation with Jess (she really is so wise) and she set me back in check on a situation I was mentally struggling with. she was honest with me, but listened to me. she helped me see a different side of things. she brought me back down to earth while my head was busy trying to float away.

            so here we are, realizing that when I can’t be the adult in my own life, I have someone that can be. who isn’t going to just side with me but be brutally honest. we help keep each other accountable in the best way.

            when I was in Maine, I had a few friends here and there. but never enough and never any that stuck (due to some rather unfortunate circumstances). when I moved to San Diego, it became a priority that I needed a circle of people I could rely on. never again would the sole man in my life be the only person in my life.

            if you don’t have that group. if you find yourself struggling sometimes because you’re an introverted person (hi, also me sometimes), there are people out there for you who can be your confidant and who you don’t need to see every day or even every week. if you are super extroverted and struggling to find those people- they also exist. men, I can’t totally help you, but ladies, I have met some of my best friends off of bumble bff’s. so I would encourage you to look there if you don’t know where to start.

            having these people in your life is so incredibly important. we are social beings. we are not meant to live a recluse lifestyle. we need people and guess what, people need you too!

there are so many lessons in life to learn and these only touch the tip of the iceburg! how exciting is it we get to keep on learning? if there are any lessons or pieces of advice you would want others to know, email in to lovealway.me.love@gmail.com

love always,

Riss

holiday fever

everything seems to move a little faster – from the cars to the people all the way down to time. I watch the stores flood with people, hungry for Christmas items and baked goods. reaching for the shelves to grab every item on the list of gifts that gets longer and longer every year. dodging drivers who have had not enough sleep and too much egg nog. the hustle and bustle is riveting, and if not careful, comes in waves of stress.

and within all this chaos, some level of magic still finds a way to captivate nearly every person who celebrates some festivity during the biggest holiday season of the year.

let’s be real, the holidays can be overwhelming. they trigger the little bug inside you called holiday fever. diagnosis: builds anxiety – may cause knots in the stomach – difficulty breathing at times – nausea – impaired judgment – overspending impulses – irritation – and desire to not move from bed.

I know I find myself wondering if I will get all the gifts, write all the letters, make all the parties, have enough room for the meals, and ultimately ask if I even have enough time. there is this weight that bares down to just get it all done. I sometimes imagine it like this scene in Who Framed Roger Rabbit (or any other crazy animated cartoon) where there is a piano thrown out a window and lands right on someone below. that’s the weight I see coming toward me and while it never actually lands, the anticipation is somehow worse.

however, every single year, I manage to somehow get everything done in time! beyond that, I am in awe that my family gets it done in time (like literally the night before) but it’s still done so that Christmas day can be used for actually relaxing.

I have to admit, this has probably been the craziest, most fun, busiest holiday season I have ever had. I prioritized building a community of friends and I have watched my social circle slowly expand. (it feels really good too. I love them all!) I was gifted the ability to finally see how my life can evolve – surrounded by comfort and love.

this year was my first friendsgiving – a hopeful new tradition with my friend family that I hope will continue on for years to come. bringing warm smiles, delicious food, and incredible laughter that bounced off every wall leaving a beautiful echo for days to follow.

I also had the wonderful pleasure of organizing a cookie exchange with one of my good friends. you would have thought there were twenty people at this event. rather we were a humble group of seven, who really overbaked (no not that kind of overbaked)… but had a great time munching on some yummy cookies and desserts anyway! we built into our event a new tradition of ornament making and a polaroid picture extravaganza – striking the most ridiculous poses and finding holiday spirit within each other.

and that brings the festivities to New Year’s – where we partied from the 50’s through the 90’s and right into 2023. Jess and I organized a decades themed New Year’s party complete with an eleven hour playlist of awesome music throughout the years, fun decorations, a picture wall, and hilarious games bringing out the competitive spirit in everyone. and of course wild outfits to represent the decades before us. together we entered into 2023 with good people and good omens.

every one of these moments, has been a gift, delicately placed in my life. and every one to come, will be waiting, to be unwrapped and experienced to the fullest.

I must admit that my social calendar was not always this decadent. once littered with the introverts greatest pleasures – doing absolutely nothing all by myself – not from want, but rather built in by the fear I had programmed in my mind.

yet today, I have taught and allowed myself to embrace people and moments as a blessing. now, these are the moments I choose to live for. these are the ones I know I can always look forward to. these are the ones I will cherish for the rest of my life. these are the ones that I want. without these moments, I know where I would be – back in another life with the wrong people, celebrating life alone, wishing I hade more good people in my life, and more than willing to settle for less.

the Holiday Fever is no longer something I run from but rather run toward. I don’t let the world control the heat in my blood – I take reign of that thermostat and so far, I’ve been able to keep it at just the right pressure (even if I do push the temp every now and then). but challenging myself to stay cool, calm, collected, and always wrapped in fun.

I hope this holiday season brought you just the right fever. Enough laughter. Enough people. And enough moments that can be relived for the rest of your life.

Cheers to the brightest year to come.

Love Always,

Riss