Dear Mom

A letter to the woman who raised me

The most amazing, strong, brilliant woman I know <3

Dear Mom,

We both know this letter has been a long time coming.

It’s not that I haven’t had anything to say or the words for it, but every time I have sat down to write to you, words fail me.

Our relationship has always been full of love and grace with challenge and angst sprinkled in between…and for that I am grateful.

I am so blessed to be able to call you my mom. To know that despite the heartache you have endured, you have always been my mom. The woman that brought me into this world. The woman who raised me. The woman who taught me to love unconditionally and to give more than I have. The woman who showed me what it means to be strong. The woman that gave me the strength to carry on when the world is falling apart. The woman who is the emblem of her father and an inspiration to more people than you will ever understand.

Your grace and patience go beyond that of the average person. You have filled my life with fun and exploration and always dared me to take whatever path fills me with joy. Dared me to go farther than I often believe I am capable of. You have guided me in ways that putting to paper wouldn’t do justice. You are a woman of incredible feat and I hope one day, you can take off your glasses and see what everyone else sees.

You have one of the biggest hearts I know and it’s beautiful. You can ask any one of my friends who had the pleasure of being in your presence throughout my childhood. You were rated the most fun, best peanut butter and jelly maker, and coolest mom. The one that made every moment fun and often I was jealous of you with my friends. When I look back though, I’m grateful that that woman is my mom. You welcomed people into our home so easily and made every friend of mine feel like they had a home away from home.

You embraced my crazy, wild ideas, with question but also full force. You gave me everything Mom.

When I started struggling heavily with my disordered eating, you were the first person I called because I needed help and I needed it from my mom. I might not be all the way there yet, but you have been a huge part of my recovery. You have saved me in more ways than I can count. You have supported me when I was breaking down and held me with open arms when I made mistakes. You may not always understand, but you ask questions that are sometimes met with resistance because to admit whatever it is I’m holding is more painful than hiding in the shame. Still, you love me.

When I needed to move across the country (twice), you were by my side without hesitation. There is no one else I would have wanted to drive through Montana with. To take life-altering Adult Chair workshops and crazy ghost tours with.

When I think of you, I think of how much adventure lives in you. How you yes and, sometimes to a fault, to life. You see the best in everyone even when all they offer you is hurt and pain. And I know I have been cause for hurt in your life too. I know I have not always given back the same patience and grace you grant me. I know that I lose my cool and pick fights and have said cruel things to you. I know I have not been perfect. And I know you will read this and say the same thing back to me. You will jump to your flaws before you acknowledge your strengths, which is why this letter isn’t about that. Maybe another day, but not today.

You my beautiful, beautiful mother are a blessing to this world. When we were at Grandpa’s funeral and 300 people were there on a Thursday, I remember looking around thinking how incredible all the lives he touched and not everyone that wanted to be there was even there. I thought to myself that is the impact I want to leave this world with. Touching the hearts of people around me and connecting simply because it is the right thing to do.

You are everything Grandpa was and more. You have his gift of trust and empathy and you share it wholly with everyone. You leave no stone unturned and offer more than you can give, a boundary we are learning to place (and I’m proud of you for that). You have an army of people around you that you can’t even see and I don’t know most of them but I guarantee they are there. 

Mom, I hope you know that no matter what, I love you. I don’t know how we end up in the families we do but I firmly believe that before I was here, I picked you. I chose this family not knowing everything but knowing that this isn’t just what I needed but also that you needed me.

The growth and evolution I have watched has been nothing short of painful but also incredibly beautiful. You have come so far and I hope you are as proud of you as I am. You are everything and so much more.

We come to earth for a moment, a blip in the grand scheme of things and it’s what we do, what we say, how we act and respond, how we love ourselves, and how we love others that makes this life worth living.

How we love ourselves. Maybe the most important of all of those.

A quest that never seems to end.

Regardless of how you feel about yourself, I love you to the moon and back.

Thank you for all you do, all you’ve done, and all you will do.

I love you forever, I love you for always,

Riss