Dear Anxiety,
I can feel you running through my body
Faster than I've ever been able to run
Making catching up nearly impossible because I'm just not that fast -
Yet.
I can feel you coursing through my veins trying to strip away all the work I've done even though
I don't want to be naked and exposed
I don't want to see those parts of me that are so desperately crying out -
Crying out for love and attention, to be bathed, nourished, and clothed.
I can feel you settle in my mind as if I welcomed you into MY souls home.
Setting the suitcase of your unwanted opinions in my bedroom of safety
Cooking up dishonesty in my kitchen of faith and trust
Setting discomfort and hurt in my living room of love
Turning on the television of my hope with your favorite show:
My Guilt, My Shame, My Pain
Playing dirty games in my backyard of peace
Dragging that dirt of hurt through my home of happiness until its stains
become so unbearable
The shut down becomes unavoidable
Everything in me seems disposable
Because I am just toyable, to you.
Anxiety I can feel your strength as you wrap around my
hips, my waist, my throat, my mind.
With the constriction of a thousand boa constrictors
suffocating my right to breathe and speak my truth
at the booth I built to claim my space in this life I was gifted
to give back to others.
to share my voice and experience but I can't because you won’t let go of
this fucking grip on me and I can't take it anymore because
damn-it I can't fucking breathe!
I see you, Anxiety, creeping up on me,
a demon in disguise,
constantly blocking and persuading
looking for a rise in negativity
making it impossible to search, find, and see the real me.
Blinding me with your dark light and bad energy
so that beauty does not exist but instead pain harnesses me
while you ride my back into the night
until exhaustion sets in and
I row row row my boat
thinking I'll make it down this stream
to get away from you
but it's the wearily wearily wearily
making life an exhausting dream -
of nothing.
I see I am no more than a puppet to you,
a body.
While your soul leads me through this life in constant duress
to bring nothing but stress and anxiety
while you cloud my judgement and feed my mind with negative thoughts
and ideas that could never be mine.
So stop right there Anxiety -
I'm letting you in,
I'm giving you a key.
You can sleep in my bedroom, I'll hold you at night
You can cook in my kitchen - We'll make something that just might
be better together than we make on our own.
Take a seat in the living room, let's talk until morning-
I promise you, you won’t bore me.
Turn on that TV, and we will grieve during this show
Then tomorrow we'll play in the backyard too - tossing the ball of our past
back and forth, until together we've worked it out
because it is worth it.
Then we will go back inside and cleanse our home of the stains
we've lain down our whole life.
I hear you Anxiety -
you are dying for love,
afraid to let go of the grip
so strip the gloves from your hands and put them in mine
you don't have to restrict yourself in my life.
I need you and you need me.
If we work together we can excel past the past
into the present, the true gift we have,
to make this future the one we deserve.
We will flourish, be happy, and never have to
reserve our feelings of discomfort or hurt
but be open and willing to give them the comfort they deserve.
You don't have to sneak around here anymore,
You can shed your pain and I will love you just the same.
For you see, I have never had to catch up to you only
take your hand and race with you
as partners who give each other so much grace and patience.
Because it's not about speed or who gets to the finish line first,
you can't outpace someone who isn't in a race with you.
So with compassion and understanding,
We move together
and when we make it to the river of growth,
we will get in that boat and row row row it down the stream
as a team of two who never give up and tire of each other
because we hear each other for the first time in forever.
Then we will watch that dream rise again and we will have it
because finally,
We let love in -
We let love win.
Love Always,
Riss
