Warning Signs

Fact: love is blind. If you say otherwise, you haven’t been in an unhealthy relationship (and I’m incredibly grateful you haven’t had to experience that!). I’m not talking about Nick and Vanessa Lachey’s social experiment. I’m talking about real nitty gritty tough relationships that teach you a thing or two about yourself. That love is blinding. Like a car in the night with high beams right in your face. That’s what I mean.

We have this innate ability to gloss over what other people notice because we are too busy basking in the glory of who this wonderful person has made themselves out to be. That is until it’s just the two of you and then the mood shifts. The lights dim and the person that was shining is now barely visible. The darkness they bring makes us question our sanity and our reality. The pretty words whispered in the dark and mental manipulation have us stuck, unable to speak honestly to friends and family because we committed to this. Because we said yes. Because we convinced ourselves that everything has to be all right and we’ve made sure everyone else thinks that way too.

The truth is, our friends and family may know already. They may have already addressed this with us. They may have already seen the shift and change in our demeanor, our words, and our actions. and they recognize that this isn’t a healthy change because they know us better than we wish they did at this particular moment in time.

By the time the warning signs are clear to us, it feels too late. it feels like being stuck inside some demented dream where as hard as you try, waking up doesn’t seem to be an option. Instead of admitting to everyone else (who would welcome us back with open arms) and ourselves (the admittedly harder of the two) that we were wrong, we lock the shackles ourselves and toss the key across the room. 

There are a lot of toxic people in this world, and I don’t necessarily blame them to an extent... we as a society are not (generally) taught how to feel, communicate, and live healthy emotional, responsive lives. Especially if you grew up in an unhealthy environment it means your entire learning experience was built in a state of emotional instability fostered by a severe lack of self-awareness. How would you know where to even begin? How would you know if you’re even doing anything wrong? 

Truth: you probably wouldn’t. The knee-jerk reaction to defend yourself when someone approaches you about their feelings as a result of something you did is instinctual, a survival mechanism that continues the cycle of toxicity within your behaviors as well as the relationships you enter into.

Relationships can be amazing for growth – someone comes in and shows us a mirror to expose all the toxic traits we exhibit and is like ‘Wake up mother fucker, you got shit to fix.’

And in reality…healthy or not, we all have things to keep working on and fix. Life is a constant adjustment period

Because in my life experience (in which I have only had the pleasure of experiencing the two most dramatic ends of the spectrum), I believe this can go one of two ways: one partner says ‘Oh yeah, you’re right. let me have a closer look at that mirror. it’s time to make some changes,’ while the other throws themselves a nice pity party and hunkers into a doomsday bunker like the whole world is out to get them. Then they get so comfortable in there that the thought of getting out wouldn’t just be the end of the world, but the end of everything they’ve ever known. Then they would have to admit that they are kind of a shitty person and look themselves in the face… and that’s a scary thought. 

I’m going to be real here: at the end of the day, we have all been a shitty person to someone or about something to some degree. Even if you are the best person in the world, you’ve had to learn and grow in some capacity. The difference is choosing self-awareness vs. choosing to stay stagnant. Sometimes that is what friends are for.

While I have slightly digressed, no one deserves this treatment. If you have been fighting tooth and nail to grow and be a better person every single day in a tough relationship, you have most likely outgrown your partner. Listen to those closest to you. Hear them out.

I cannot say enough how important friends are. They are a solid reason for support because they will see the waiving red flags long before you do. Especially if you are, like me, easily swayed by pretty words and attention from any man who might be willing to give it to you for five minutes. (Yes, I realize that might sound a little pathetic, but it’s true! I’m here to own it and also am 100% working on it.)

My point is that your circle of friends is going to know you. They will start to see your spiral. They will notice your change in behavior before you do. They will see the shift, the distance, or whatever else it may be. They will know something is wrong or off. They will come in as the knight in shining armor to confront you out of love and the safety of you.

Speaking from experience, when my best friend approached me about my ex, while it wasn’t the most graceful of approaches, I disregarded it and we ended up having a full fallout 6 months later. We have happily been reunited since then but that was a stressful time. I couldn’t understand what she saw because I wasn’t looking for it. I also didn’t think I deserved better so instead I justified the actions and behaviors of my then-partner. 

But she saw the change, she saw his possessive nature, and whether we were close or not at that point, she saw a change in me that didn’t feel right. She knew and acknowledged what I couldn’t at that point in my life.

This wasn’t just isolated to friends. My sisters saw it too and they were much more forward about it with me. Again, I was in denial because I just wanted to be loved. I wanted a certain life and I was willing to compromise myself and my happiness for it even when I knew it wasn’t right.

Today I like to think I’m a little more self-aware than that. that if my friends approached me about a situation, I would easily be able to say okay and re-evaluate what was going on in me and in the situation itself.

So, my advice to all those going through it, listen to your friends and family. If you trust them and if they know you, they seriously just want to help and want the best for you. They love you, more than someone who controls and manipulates ever will. They want your freedom while that other person wants you caged. 

There will always be lessons that have to be experienced to truly be learned, and one’s friends and family won’t be able to save you from. While the honesty provided by those closest to you may sometimes hurt, they love you and it will come with grace and care for the person that you are. 

If you are in one of these situations right now, struggling to get through another day. Fighting yourself and the person you love. Searching for hope while watching the security in your life slipping away. If you’ve heard the words from others, and if you have denied them to protect your ego, I want you to know I see you and I feel you. You are on the edge of a new beginning. The first thing you have to do is let go and embrace that it’s going to be okay. The care and self-awareness I hope you one day have for yourself will be carried by those closest to you until then (and I promise, they don’t mind).

12 life tips you forgot you needed (Part 4)

weeks later and we finally made it to part 4. the final pieces of life advice you forgot you needed, maybe never wanted, but found helpful anyway. I can’t wait for you to read the last 4 bits!

4. go forth and fail!

failure may be the most essential thing we have in our lives. without failure, we cease to be able to learn from experience and make strides.

all through school we are taught that an F on a paper or test is detrimental and can determine our ability to succeed in a class. for some people, this means getting held back. for others, it means their desire to strive forward halts and they accept that they are just a D student. and still, for other people, it motivates them to do better, however, I find that those people are few and far between.

we were not taught how to deal with failure. how to accept failure and how to view failure as a valuable asset in our lives.

Sarah Blakely, the founder of Spanx, talks about how her dad would ask her what she failed at every day when growing up. The only disappointment was if she hadn’t failed at anything. he instilled in them and taught them that failure is necessary. that so much can be learned from failing. he turned a negative word into positive action.

so I know this one isn’t easy. it’s rather difficult to even start to accept failure as a positive thing, but take a moment to see how that word makes you feel. does your heart rate increase? do you start to sweat? do you start to feel a little anxiety volcano bubbling at the pit of your stomach?

if any of these are the case, figure out why you feel the way you do about failure and then slowly, start to make the shift. with every failing moment, feel your feelings, and then immediately ask yourself how you can do better next time.

3. it’s not because you don’t want to, you might just not care enough about it

have you ever signed up for a class, started talking to a love interest, or started a new show everyone is raving about but feel your will and desire to keep it going is exhausting?

have you ever thought that maybe you just aren’t that into it? (or them?) and that’s okay?

a year and a half ago, I signed up for an online yoga instructor training so I could be yoga certified. I was excited to get a new certification, create new opportunities, and monetary income. as I made my way through the course, I was fascinated by all the teachings. it was fun to learn the poses. it was fun to do some live classes. it was fun learning new meditation techniques and how to cue. but when it got to the assignments that were due, I had ZERO drive or willpower to do them.

at first, I tried to commit myself to one a week. that felt reasonable. an hour a day should easily have had it done. but then that felt too hard. so, I thought okay, maybe one every two weeks. as this pushed on, I started to feel worse and worse. I started to feel like I was wasting the money I had spent on the program and like I couldn’t follow through with anything. (yes, I got dramatic)

it wasn’t until I had a conversation with my therapist and she said to me:

“Marissa, have you thought that maybe you just don’t want this? It’s okay to not finish everything. sometimes we try things and realize that we aren’t as into them as we thought. that’s okay.”

I looked at her and reminded her that I paid for the course. instantly I realized this was why I felt like I needed to finish it. I paid for it, so I have to finish it. I was able to recognize that as much as I love yoga, I love the practice of it for me rather than teaching it to other people.

this gentle reminder is still so helpful. what’s something that you’ve been trying to complete that your heart just hasn’t been into? take a moment to figure out why.

I want you to know, you don’t have to finish that and it’s okay that maybe, you just don’t care as much as you want to. there will be other things, but the fact that you tried is more than enough.

2. what if everything happens for you?

another rejection letter. another letdown. another heartache. another disappointment weaves its way into your life and you feel like nothing is ever going your way. or if it does, it’s only for a moment before it is ripped from you and you feel like you’re back in the bottom of a hole that feels impossible to get out of.

but what if that rejection letter was an opportunity? what if that letdown was a chance at something new? what if that heartache opened up possibilities? what if all these disappointments were altering your life for the better?

if we change the narrative to what is happening in our lives, it changes our life. we choose the way the story is told. yes, it is a choice. if you want it to be a woe-is-me victim story, then you can have it. but if you choose to see that that thing or person or opportunity wasn’t meant to be in your life. it will change everything.

I applied for a job not long ago as an assistant store manager for Vuori (a wonderful fitness apparel brand I love!). I went through two interviews and was not selected for the job.

at first, I was upset. this was a job I really wanted. the company is amazing, the people were awesome, and the atmosphere was somewhere I could see myself. when I got rejected, I was a little heartbroken.

my initial thought was ‘fuck, this day sucks.’

then, I accepted what was happening and chose to embrace it. in doing so I allowed myself to wallow through the night. tomorrow would be for making strides. I knew that there was a reason I didn’t get that job. it was going to have me taking on too much responsibility, taking away from the work I am aspiring toward.

then I heard this little voice in my head say Everything is Happening FOR You!

it was a moment of clarity that reminded me this wasn’t it. to take a moment and evaluate what was important. to understand the best way I could why this didn’t work out. but I had to start by accepting that this no was an absolute gift.

so next time something in your life doesn’t quite go as planned, unwanted circumstances come up, or an issue arises that catches you by surprise – remind yourself that maybe this is happening for you. maybe there is a lesson you need to learn. maybe there is a deep wound you need to heal. maybe there is something better for you out there.

but only if you change the narrative first.

1. be unapologetically yourself

there is a certain level of expectation to be a civilized person. to act a certain way in public and keep the rest to your home.

what do I say?

BE YOURSELF!

embrace you for who you are.

if you don’t like something about yourself, change it.

and don’t you dare ever apologize for being you. (please apologize if you cause emotional or physical pain to another person!) but we don’t spend enough time embracing our gifts and just being the person we want to be.

this is not an easy process and if you haven’t started it, it takes time. but do one thing every single day that brings you closer to who you are.

I no longer apologize when I run into people at the store. I say pardon me instead and I smile. I no longer hide my smile. I smile more. I no longer say yes to everything that comes my way. instead, I offer a thank you and then move on. I don’t get embarrassed when I dance like a buffoon during my group fitness classes, because that is who I am. I will sing out loud sometimes when I work out because it feels good. I will compliment someone if they look good or are wearing something I like.

these are all small things I love about myself and I have learned to embrace and share through the years.

I believe there is a fear, that if we show people exactly who we want to be, the projected judgment from those closest to us stops us in our tracks. it’s easier to be that person with strangers first. but if the people closest to you care about you, they will support your changes and embrace the better version of you, the you you want to be.

you are a kickass rockstar. you are amazing. and I love who you are right now in this moment!

go forth and just be unapologetically you, because that person is pretty fucking awesome.

I hope some of these life tip reminders resonated with you in some way! you are a glorious gift and have so much to offer.

email me and tell me what you think, what resonated for you, or if you have advice you would like to offer to lovealway.me.love@gmail.com I can’t wait to hear your takeaways and any advice you have for people too.

love always,

            Riss

holiday fever

everything seems to move a little faster – from the cars to the people all the way down to time. I watch the stores flood with people, hungry for Christmas items and baked goods. reaching for the shelves to grab every item on the list of gifts that gets longer and longer every year. dodging drivers who have had not enough sleep and too much egg nog. the hustle and bustle is riveting, and if not careful, comes in waves of stress.

and within all this chaos, some level of magic still finds a way to captivate nearly every person who celebrates some festivity during the biggest holiday season of the year.

let’s be real, the holidays can be overwhelming. they trigger the little bug inside you called holiday fever. diagnosis: builds anxiety – may cause knots in the stomach – difficulty breathing at times – nausea – impaired judgment – overspending impulses – irritation – and desire to not move from bed.

I know I find myself wondering if I will get all the gifts, write all the letters, make all the parties, have enough room for the meals, and ultimately ask if I even have enough time. there is this weight that bares down to just get it all done. I sometimes imagine it like this scene in Who Framed Roger Rabbit (or any other crazy animated cartoon) where there is a piano thrown out a window and lands right on someone below. that’s the weight I see coming toward me and while it never actually lands, the anticipation is somehow worse.

however, every single year, I manage to somehow get everything done in time! beyond that, I am in awe that my family gets it done in time (like literally the night before) but it’s still done so that Christmas day can be used for actually relaxing.

I have to admit, this has probably been the craziest, most fun, busiest holiday season I have ever had. I prioritized building a community of friends and I have watched my social circle slowly expand. (it feels really good too. I love them all!) I was gifted the ability to finally see how my life can evolve – surrounded by comfort and love.

this year was my first friendsgiving – a hopeful new tradition with my friend family that I hope will continue on for years to come. bringing warm smiles, delicious food, and incredible laughter that bounced off every wall leaving a beautiful echo for days to follow.

I also had the wonderful pleasure of organizing a cookie exchange with one of my good friends. you would have thought there were twenty people at this event. rather we were a humble group of seven, who really overbaked (no not that kind of overbaked)… but had a great time munching on some yummy cookies and desserts anyway! we built into our event a new tradition of ornament making and a polaroid picture extravaganza – striking the most ridiculous poses and finding holiday spirit within each other.

and that brings the festivities to New Year’s – where we partied from the 50’s through the 90’s and right into 2023. Jess and I organized a decades themed New Year’s party complete with an eleven hour playlist of awesome music throughout the years, fun decorations, a picture wall, and hilarious games bringing out the competitive spirit in everyone. and of course wild outfits to represent the decades before us. together we entered into 2023 with good people and good omens.

every one of these moments, has been a gift, delicately placed in my life. and every one to come, will be waiting, to be unwrapped and experienced to the fullest.

I must admit that my social calendar was not always this decadent. once littered with the introverts greatest pleasures – doing absolutely nothing all by myself – not from want, but rather built in by the fear I had programmed in my mind.

yet today, I have taught and allowed myself to embrace people and moments as a blessing. now, these are the moments I choose to live for. these are the ones I know I can always look forward to. these are the ones I will cherish for the rest of my life. these are the ones that I want. without these moments, I know where I would be – back in another life with the wrong people, celebrating life alone, wishing I hade more good people in my life, and more than willing to settle for less.

the Holiday Fever is no longer something I run from but rather run toward. I don’t let the world control the heat in my blood – I take reign of that thermostat and so far, I’ve been able to keep it at just the right pressure (even if I do push the temp every now and then). but challenging myself to stay cool, calm, collected, and always wrapped in fun.

I hope this holiday season brought you just the right fever. Enough laughter. Enough people. And enough moments that can be relived for the rest of your life.

Cheers to the brightest year to come.

Love Always,

Riss

The imPerfect Body

*trigger warning for anyone struggling with eating disorders

*if you or anyone you know is struggling with eating disorders you can call (866)256-3563 for support.

some of what I have written below is unknown to nearly anyone in my life including the therapists I have had over the years - so to the friends and family that have been my support, I love you and am so grateful for everything you have done for me. your support has not gone unnoticed or unappreciated. you have all saved me in more ways than I can count.

this is a moment of pure vulnerability so please read with a kind heart. and if you or anyone you know might benefit from this and knowing you are not alone please share this and please reach out if there is anything I can do to support you.

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For the last twenty years, I have struggled with the idea that my body is not perfect. With that comes the idea that in order for it to be perfect I need to eat a certain way – which is not eating or binging and then purging.

While the adolescent version of me didn’t necessarily pertain to these methods, the young adult version did. I can remember the first time I sat thinking about what I “needed” to do to get my body to where I wanted it to be. How could I possibly attain this level of perfection that I had been envisioning since I was playing with Barbie’s.

Yes, I will say that I wholeheartedly believe Barbie had a huge effect on my mental state, amongst many other things. From growing up in the world of dance to constantly comparing myself to my sisters and friends. Hearing comments about my body from my dad. Never feeling wanted by anyone all through high school. Constantly feeling like even if I did scream, no one would hear and certainly, no one would care was a burden I took to mean I wasn’t beautiful and that’s why no one liked me.

(If I could go back in time I would squeeze that little girl and tell her she is the most beautiful greatest thing on this planet and everything is going to be okay.)

My freshman year of college was when I finally decided to do something about the way I looked. It started by finally getting into the gym. I would get up early and go before class, but it still didn’t do enough for me fast enough. The levels of perfection so carefully carved into my mind felt even further away than before. So… my friend Kristen and I sat down and decided to make a pact….

We would starve ourselves and workout more and we would do it together. Hold each other accountable. Check in with each other. Make sure the slow deterioration of our bodies was happening at a steady state. We weren’t going to do it forever, we just wanted to drop some weight fast. That’s what I told myself anyway.

I truly believed that was the only way that I would be attractive to people. Sometimes I still believe it. It certainly isn’t easy and it can be scary. When friends, male friends to be more specific, started commenting on how good I was looking, it made it easier to keep going. To sit in the dining hall, nursing a water or a small salad because “I wasn’t hungry”. I could feel the fatigue taking a toll though.

Every morning was more difficult than the last to get up. Every morning was like a giant weight holding me down. Every workout was harder and harder and every day I was a little more disappointed in myself.

You know there is part of me that wishes someone had cared enough to ask if I was alright. Not that people didn’t care, but no one was concerned. Which in turn made me feel worse. Realizing that I was so overweight, that when I starved myself to a point of reaching a true healthy weight I finally became more attractive. It confirmed everything I had been telling myself. It was definitive that being unhealthy would make me look healthy. That was all the confirmation I needed to understand that temporary was going to last a lot longer.

As the weeks went on, Kristen and I would talk about how exhausted we were and how that must mean it’s working. Even after our pact died off, I stopped eating as much and when I did, I felt so much guilt and shame I would cry myself to sleep – disgusted. The guilt radiated. It was like this evanescent glow lingering in the background of my mind: dim and worn but strong enough to pull me down. Taunting and teasing me- keeping me locked in the shadows of my own mind. Scared of myself and what I would do next, but ready to keep going anyway.

So when I started eating again and after the guilt had surmounted to an unreasonable amount, that was when I took to the toilet. I’ll be honest, the first time I tried, it did not go well, which ironically, makes that a good thing. With the thought of giving up looming, I dug into the resilient part of me and refused to let one try be the end all be all. So I tried again and you know what? I succeeded.

I started to indulge in the food from Southside Dining Center and would follow it up with a quick trip to the toilet to rid my body of the crap normally referred to as nutrients and sustenance.

I did try to stop. Multiple times. I actually remember one moment very clearly. I had just had sushi with friends and we were back in the dorm lounge. I had this combative conversation running through my mind –

Don’t do it. You know it’s not good for you.

So what? It feels good. Plus you just put a whole lot of fat and grime in your body why wouldn’t you?

Because it isn’t healthy. There are other ways.

None as quick or efficient as this.

I won’t give in.

But you will.

And I did. I sat in front of that toilet for ten minutes before I did anything that night. After puking everything out of my system, I knew I needed to call my mom.

Crying on the phone, I told her what had been going on. She did the right thing. Other than be the most supportive person I could have asked for, she told me I was coming home at the end of the semester and we would figure out what to do when I was back. Therapy was not a choice and in order to go back to school, I had to get things right again. I told no one why I was leaving except for the guy who would later be my first boyfriend. Sounds silly when I say it now, but I was ashamed of what I had allowed to become of myself. Since my self judgement was already heavy, I didn’t want the weight of other people’s thoughts and opinions too.

The funny thing is, I still didn’t achieve the body I wanted. It still wasn’t enough.

I wasn’t enough.

Having family right in the other room should have been some semblance of motivation, them watching out for me, but honestly, it never is because at the end of the day it all comes from inside. It’s my own self-worth that wasn’t measuring up. It was the constant comparisons and lack of emotionally stable parents growing up that led me down this trail of self-deprecating thoughts and actions.

(Of course I don’t blame them anymore. I believe people are just doing the best they can, even when it hurts. Things were what they were and I’m a better person today for all of it. I wouldn’t trade those experiences for the world.)

Jump forward another 10 years and we have reached present day me. The evolution of me has not been perfect and in these continuous blog posts I will continue to let you into the dark moments in my life as well as some of the brightest.

I am still on this journey. I still struggle with my body at times and I do have my bad days. Days when I find myself hovering over a toilet bowl or finding other ways to cleanse my system. It hurts and it is never fun and the wave of guilt that passes over never changes or lessens. It remains prominent and bold. Demanding of attention I do not wish to give it but somehow cater to all the same. Ashamed that no one will love me because I’m still struggling with this.

I wish I could say now I have achieved “perfect”, but this has been one of the biggest lessons in my life around the ideal of perfection:

If we constantly seek perfection, we will never get there. Skinny enough will never be enough. Strong enough will never be strong enough. Smart enough will never be enough. It’ll never be the right time or the right person. Nothing will ever be enough.

So why did I share all of this? Not to bring you down or give you a moment of woe is me, but to share that the continual search for perfection leads nowhere good.

Instead, I have been working on learning how to accept progress and let go of everything else. I don’t have to be perfect, and neither do you. We are human and the only thing that matters is finding love for ourselves in ourselves. This is not easy for a lot of people and I recognize that. All we can do is keep trying, putting one foot in front of the other.

I believe we are all capable of love. I believe we are all capable of loving ourselves for ourselves. Most importantly, I believe that we are destined for more than we will ever be able to give ourselves credit for.

These words do not come lightly. These words are from the bottom of my heart.

You are a gift. You are a gift as you are in this walk of life and in this moment. You will continue to be a gift and no matter what perfection you are struggling to achieve, I will be here to say I love you and you have a friend in me.

Love always is more than loving others, it’s loving ourselves too. Sometimes we just need to hear it first.

Love Always,

Riss