new year, new goals

as I sat across from my therapist, she smiled and asked me to reflect back on the goals I had set for the 2022 which consisted of:

·         reaching a level of true happiness in my life

·         setting appropriate boundaries with others

·         cultivating and maintaining personal relationships

·         embracing and accepting my emotional state and well-being

as she read these off to me, I barely recalled having set any of them, but recognizing where I have made vast improvements and where I still needed to dig a little deeper and do a little more work.

while I may not have mentioned it to her, I did feel an instant strike of nervousness about having only accomplished some of these and parts of others.

I recognize the goal of reaching a true level of happiness falls in the way of a lifelong goal. that to attain and achieve this, I must continue to live every day in the greatest state of mind. I am also a rather (and sometimes too much) realistic person and know that it is unreasonable for me to constantly be in this state of mind. I am after all human, and I will continue to struggle maybe not everyday, but as I try and work at it, fewer days than before.

I also found myself struggling to accept that while I have worked hard to achieve a level of emotional intelligence that has me welcoming and accepting my emotional state, I realized when I got tired of the emotional pain sprinkled in, I decided to stop providing comfort to myself. instead, I would disregard my feelings and find more logical ways to explain what was going on in my life. I pushed the thoughts and emotions, deep inside of me, away (in a typical reactive Marissa manner) and continued on with life. while I have started to find my way back to a sound and secure place, reinviting the lost feelings inside me and disregarded vulnerability, I have adjusted my goals for this new year.

this years goals come at a high cost but really only with the intention to continue forward on my journey in life.

1.      fall in love: This year I want to fall in love – with myself, with a partner (who I very much plan to manifest), with my work, with my passions, with life in all aspect. I want to fall in love with every person I come in contact with. falling in love goes beyond the partner, but allowing myself to be my own partner at times too.

2.      to let go of structure: despite my large affinity for sharing my heart with all of the internet and those that find their way to my page, I admittedly get stuck and rather frustrated when plans fall through. part of my lack of emotional range has caused me to build structure to offset the lack of control in my life. seeing areas I struggle to let go and just flow. so this year, I am working to keep structure where necessary, and let go of the rest.

3.      learn to effectively move through my emotions: there are times when I get complacent. I get comfortable doing nothing because it requires no work. this year, I want to continue to press forward, opening up myself to others and letting down the guard that I have carefully built over the years.

4.      be more genuine with other people: I spend so much time with other people that there are days when I feel like I am putting on a front, just to get by. where I will ask questions, but not really care. where I will appear invested but not really be. where I’m trying to just be friendly, but it’s really hard. 2023 is a year that I want to be genuinely present in every moment I am in. From putting my phone away when I am with others, to actually maintaining and being fully engaged in the conversation and information I learn about others.

5.      listen more: I find number 4 and 5 are actually connected. a lot of times, I hear myself talking and just think – ‘shut up’. no one needs to hear this story again. no one needs to know the entire play-by-play of your afternoon. but somehow I find a way to just keep going. needing to relate or let them know I relate by sharing my own stories. working this year, on listening more. on asking more questions and not caring if I get to share about me.

6.      take the pressure off myself: if there is one thing I know I am good at, it is loading on the pressure. sometimes it is so heavy, it’s unbearable. there are days when I am so hard on myself I forget to give myself kindness and compassion. two things that I easily give to others, but struggle to serve myself. this year I am taking the pressure off. if I don’t hit the deadline, if I don’t do everything I wrote down, if I don’t make every event. I take the pressure off. because this is the year of being light as a feather.

I was able to create these goals rather quickly because I knew what I needed without having to really think about it (more so, I know what I’m currently lacking.

I am excited for this year. I am excited to see what more it brings into my life. on this path toward something bigger than myself, I’m just excited to embrace life in every single moment. but you should know, I’m also terrified.

I don’t live blindly… okay, maybe sometimes. but for the most part, I struggle with fear in my life, overcoming and persevering through it. I sometimes get so afraid to make the wrong choice, that I make no choice. I find myself locked in a cycle of yes, no, yes, no. and it is daunting!

so while this year will bring in more, because I am more self-aware than last year, I know it will also bring me more challenges to face, more opportunities to grow, and more love than I could have ever imagined.

I hope this New Year brings in your heart’s desires too.

Love Always,

Marissa

holiday fever

everything seems to move a little faster – from the cars to the people all the way down to time. I watch the stores flood with people, hungry for Christmas items and baked goods. reaching for the shelves to grab every item on the list of gifts that gets longer and longer every year. dodging drivers who have had not enough sleep and too much egg nog. the hustle and bustle is riveting, and if not careful, comes in waves of stress.

and within all this chaos, some level of magic still finds a way to captivate nearly every person who celebrates some festivity during the biggest holiday season of the year.

let’s be real, the holidays can be overwhelming. they trigger the little bug inside you called holiday fever. diagnosis: builds anxiety – may cause knots in the stomach – difficulty breathing at times – nausea – impaired judgment – overspending impulses – irritation – and desire to not move from bed.

I know I find myself wondering if I will get all the gifts, write all the letters, make all the parties, have enough room for the meals, and ultimately ask if I even have enough time. there is this weight that bares down to just get it all done. I sometimes imagine it like this scene in Who Framed Roger Rabbit (or any other crazy animated cartoon) where there is a piano thrown out a window and lands right on someone below. that’s the weight I see coming toward me and while it never actually lands, the anticipation is somehow worse.

however, every single year, I manage to somehow get everything done in time! beyond that, I am in awe that my family gets it done in time (like literally the night before) but it’s still done so that Christmas day can be used for actually relaxing.

I have to admit, this has probably been the craziest, most fun, busiest holiday season I have ever had. I prioritized building a community of friends and I have watched my social circle slowly expand. (it feels really good too. I love them all!) I was gifted the ability to finally see how my life can evolve – surrounded by comfort and love.

this year was my first friendsgiving – a hopeful new tradition with my friend family that I hope will continue on for years to come. bringing warm smiles, delicious food, and incredible laughter that bounced off every wall leaving a beautiful echo for days to follow.

I also had the wonderful pleasure of organizing a cookie exchange with one of my good friends. you would have thought there were twenty people at this event. rather we were a humble group of seven, who really overbaked (no not that kind of overbaked)… but had a great time munching on some yummy cookies and desserts anyway! we built into our event a new tradition of ornament making and a polaroid picture extravaganza – striking the most ridiculous poses and finding holiday spirit within each other.

and that brings the festivities to New Year’s – where we partied from the 50’s through the 90’s and right into 2023. Jess and I organized a decades themed New Year’s party complete with an eleven hour playlist of awesome music throughout the years, fun decorations, a picture wall, and hilarious games bringing out the competitive spirit in everyone. and of course wild outfits to represent the decades before us. together we entered into 2023 with good people and good omens.

every one of these moments, has been a gift, delicately placed in my life. and every one to come, will be waiting, to be unwrapped and experienced to the fullest.

I must admit that my social calendar was not always this decadent. once littered with the introverts greatest pleasures – doing absolutely nothing all by myself – not from want, but rather built in by the fear I had programmed in my mind.

yet today, I have taught and allowed myself to embrace people and moments as a blessing. now, these are the moments I choose to live for. these are the ones I know I can always look forward to. these are the ones I will cherish for the rest of my life. these are the ones that I want. without these moments, I know where I would be – back in another life with the wrong people, celebrating life alone, wishing I hade more good people in my life, and more than willing to settle for less.

the Holiday Fever is no longer something I run from but rather run toward. I don’t let the world control the heat in my blood – I take reign of that thermostat and so far, I’ve been able to keep it at just the right pressure (even if I do push the temp every now and then). but challenging myself to stay cool, calm, collected, and always wrapped in fun.

I hope this holiday season brought you just the right fever. Enough laughter. Enough people. And enough moments that can be relived for the rest of your life.

Cheers to the brightest year to come.

Love Always,

Riss