new year, new goals
as I sat across from my therapist, she smiled and asked me to reflect back on the goals I had set for the 2022 which consisted of:
· reaching a level of true happiness in my life
· setting appropriate boundaries with others
· cultivating and maintaining personal relationships
· embracing and accepting my emotional state and well-being
as she read these off to me, I barely recalled having set any of them, but recognizing where I have made vast improvements and where I still needed to dig a little deeper and do a little more work.
while I may not have mentioned it to her, I did feel an instant strike of nervousness about having only accomplished some of these and parts of others.
I recognize the goal of reaching a true level of happiness falls in the way of a lifelong goal. that to attain and achieve this, I must continue to live every day in the greatest state of mind. I am also a rather (and sometimes too much) realistic person and know that it is unreasonable for me to constantly be in this state of mind. I am after all human, and I will continue to struggle maybe not everyday, but as I try and work at it, fewer days than before.
I also found myself struggling to accept that while I have worked hard to achieve a level of emotional intelligence that has me welcoming and accepting my emotional state, I realized when I got tired of the emotional pain sprinkled in, I decided to stop providing comfort to myself. instead, I would disregard my feelings and find more logical ways to explain what was going on in my life. I pushed the thoughts and emotions, deep inside of me, away (in a typical reactive Marissa manner) and continued on with life. while I have started to find my way back to a sound and secure place, reinviting the lost feelings inside me and disregarded vulnerability, I have adjusted my goals for this new year.
this years goals come at a high cost but really only with the intention to continue forward on my journey in life.
1. fall in love: This year I want to fall in love – with myself, with a partner (who I very much plan to manifest), with my work, with my passions, with life in all aspect. I want to fall in love with every person I come in contact with. falling in love goes beyond the partner, but allowing myself to be my own partner at times too.
2. to let go of structure: despite my large affinity for sharing my heart with all of the internet and those that find their way to my page, I admittedly get stuck and rather frustrated when plans fall through. part of my lack of emotional range has caused me to build structure to offset the lack of control in my life. seeing areas I struggle to let go and just flow. so this year, I am working to keep structure where necessary, and let go of the rest.
3. learn to effectively move through my emotions: there are times when I get complacent. I get comfortable doing nothing because it requires no work. this year, I want to continue to press forward, opening up myself to others and letting down the guard that I have carefully built over the years.
4. be more genuine with other people: I spend so much time with other people that there are days when I feel like I am putting on a front, just to get by. where I will ask questions, but not really care. where I will appear invested but not really be. where I’m trying to just be friendly, but it’s really hard. 2023 is a year that I want to be genuinely present in every moment I am in. From putting my phone away when I am with others, to actually maintaining and being fully engaged in the conversation and information I learn about others.
5. listen more: I find number 4 and 5 are actually connected. a lot of times, I hear myself talking and just think – ‘shut up’. no one needs to hear this story again. no one needs to know the entire play-by-play of your afternoon. but somehow I find a way to just keep going. needing to relate or let them know I relate by sharing my own stories. working this year, on listening more. on asking more questions and not caring if I get to share about me.
6. take the pressure off myself: if there is one thing I know I am good at, it is loading on the pressure. sometimes it is so heavy, it’s unbearable. there are days when I am so hard on myself I forget to give myself kindness and compassion. two things that I easily give to others, but struggle to serve myself. this year I am taking the pressure off. if I don’t hit the deadline, if I don’t do everything I wrote down, if I don’t make every event. I take the pressure off. because this is the year of being light as a feather.
I was able to create these goals rather quickly because I knew what I needed without having to really think about it (more so, I know what I’m currently lacking.
I am excited for this year. I am excited to see what more it brings into my life. on this path toward something bigger than myself, I’m just excited to embrace life in every single moment. but you should know, I’m also terrified.
I don’t live blindly… okay, maybe sometimes. but for the most part, I struggle with fear in my life, overcoming and persevering through it. I sometimes get so afraid to make the wrong choice, that I make no choice. I find myself locked in a cycle of yes, no, yes, no. and it is daunting!
so while this year will bring in more, because I am more self-aware than last year, I know it will also bring me more challenges to face, more opportunities to grow, and more love than I could have ever imagined.
I hope this New Year brings in your heart’s desires too.
Love Always,
Marissa
