everything might just be okay

yes, you heard it here first!… or second… or maybe more… regardless, I’m saying it, everything might just be okay. actually, everything will be okay. even when it doesn’t feel like it.

I have this belief. this belief that there is a shift in the universe saying ‘look, you were getting too comfortable and it’s time to change things up. it’s time to learn a new lessons. it’s time to get a little bolder. it’s time to find a little passion again. it’s time to get off your ass and do something bigger and better than yesterday.’

like most people, I have also struggled. there have been days when my ability to reach new heights is just not there or seems nearly impossible.

the other day for example, I was feeling so low in myself I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t get myself to write or read or get out of bed. some may call it depression, I call it getting stuck in my head. but you know that feeling when you are so overwhelmed by all the thoughts in your head that if you don’t get up and do something, or write them down or scream them out- you feel like you will explode? that feeling finally came to me.

I was exhausted and getting ready for bed and all of the angst caught up to me. it needed out. I was stuck because I stopped prioritizing my needs. so I figured I would stand at my computer and I would write whatever came out of my head and heart. let me tell you, she was mad. and annoyed. and ashamed. and embarrassed. and frustrated.

ya’ll I had been letting all of these feelings just sit inside me! like what? why do we do this to ourselves. it’s a rather aggressive journal entry but I want to share a part of it with you:

 

I didn’t write today or yesterday and I feel bad about myself for it. I’m struggling right now. I’m stressed and frustrated and struggling. I’m stressed that I still have a shitty relationship with money. That I haven’t been able to find a job. That I feel passionate about nothing. I’m frustrated that I’m alone and that even though I have amazing friends I’m still the last one single. It’s starting to make me feel like what’s wrong with me? Do I give off bad energy? Am I too rude and stubborn. Have I been too guarded…

I am very self-conscious of my financial situation. I want to have my own business and make a lot of money and be able to provide for myself. I want all of those things I want to be confident in my own skin and not feel insecure every time I take my shirt off. I am so frustrated. What am I doing wrong? I reflect and meditate and try to be a good person. I know where my weaknesses are and I’m working on them but it’s like I’m so closed off. Like I don’t know how to have fun anymore...

I feel awful right now. I’m disappointed in my body. I’m mad that my back is getting worse and nothing I do is making it better. I’m mad that I’m going to have to live with this for the rest of my life. I’m mad that I don’t have the life I want. I’m mad that I rely on my parents for support still. I’m mad that I feel unlovable. I’m mad that I let a stupid boy break my heart and hurt me. I’m mad that I allowed myself to become an entirely different person because of it. I’m mad that I can’t open up to people. I’m mad that I share my heart online just to try and make something of myself even though internally I don’t believe it’s going anywhere. I’m mad that I’ve thrown my schedule off. I’m mad that I can’t enjoy time out without thinking about the way I spend. I’m mad that I don’t have money for groceries. I’m mad that I am me. I’m so mad…

And I’m ashamed. I am ashamed that at 29 years old, I have no career, I have no direction, I have essentially no job. And because of that I’m embarrassed. Like who is going to want me with the current lifestyle I live. I went from being independent and striving to stuck in a box and living in a damn bubble. Afraid to take on more work for fear it’ll take away my ability to socialize…

And sometimes I do want to die. Sometimes I want to disappear so that I don’t have to feel all these emotions over and over again. It gets so exhausting trying to keep myself happy and trying to stay in a place where I can be certain with myself instead of constantly breaking myself down. I deserve more. I deserve to treat myself better. I deserve success and love and happiness. I deserve my own home and I deserve to have my own family. I deserve to make a fuck ton of money so that I can give to other people. I deserve to live a better life. I deserve this. I deserve all of this and more. What is this block? why do I have such a hard time getting around it? Why do I get so stuck? How do I change things. I want to know. I want the change, I want the shift. I want more. And I know no one can do it but me, but this one link is missing and most days I struggle to keep it together…

I want this year to be more than it has been in my past. I want to find the most success. I do not want to settle for less on any front. I want nothing but peace. I want peace. I want the courage to take chances and be bold. I want to accept the worst and hope for the best. I want more in my life.

(and yes, there was more)

how do we manage to let thoughts like that live inside of us? maybe more importantly, why do we let thoughts like this live inside us?

maybe I’m the only person that feels this way sometimes, but I like to think I’m not alone in at least some of these feelings. otherwise, there you go, welcome to my rather savage mind on occasion (insert awkward laugh here).

I will tell you that as soon as I released all of this emotion onto paper, I felt a lot better. did I cry? you bet your perfectly plump bottom I did. did I sit in a pity puddle from all those tears? oh yeah, definitely. did I eventually decide to stand up and mop it up? (because that’s what makes the difference) – the answer to that question is yes, yes I did!

the next morning during my meditation I decided that I needed to actually listen to my life coach and come up with some power phrases to shift my mentality when my head goes a little sideways. so my current one is … wait for it …

just have fun!

also my ego can go ahead and sit down and be quiet because the things she has to say are brutal. I wouldn’t let anyone talk to me like that so why do I let the voice in my head do it? probably because I’m human, but most likely because a small part of me has found comfort in it. comfort that I’m willing to dispense of and guess what?

I’ve got to take the universe’s hint and start to get uncomfortable again.

so will I always believe everything will be okay? no. there will be days I’ll fight tooth and nail for the painful words to be right. but deep down I’ll know and the truth because I have already accepted it. I might just have to drag it up from the soggy waters, wipe it off, and then let it glow like the luminescent feeling that it is.

so in case you forgot to remind yourself or you are struggling today or that little voice in your head is throwing jabs like you are in a fight you didn’t ask to be in, I want to remind you:

Everything will be okay.

Love always,

Riss