it’s okay

someone accidentally reminded me recently that it’s okay if life isn’t perfect.

sometimes I get caught up in the flow of what I try to represent and I forget it’s okay to show that I am, yes, also human. I struggle and suffer. there are days when getting up on my feet to get to the next thing feels impossible.

I have moments of doubt about what my life is and where it’s going. I have days where I struggle more heavily with my body image. I spend days questioning if my words are worth anything. days where I am stuck in my head. days where I project all my deepest insecurities onto others. I have days that can just totally suck.

it’s like being in a boxing ring, a place I have never been nor particularly desire to go to. all these heartaches and momentary struggles feel like I’ve been caged in a fight I didn’t ask for. a battle I have already lost but am still expected to keep going. the hits keep coming even when I am on the ground, bleeding, bruised, and broken. I watch the ref circle the ring, pressuring me to stand back up. the crowd chanting words I can’t make out because the ringing in my ears is too loud. I feel the weight of the champion staring me down, eyes glowing, beaming the words I dare you into my soul. and when I connect with that champion, I realize it is my own reflection. my own eyes staring back at me. stronger than I am capable of being right then.

I want to sit here and tell you all the things I do to pull myself out of this state in those moments, but there are some days I simply can’t. those are the days the best thing I can do is curl in a ball and get lost in movies and books. find peace in limited contact and isolation. let go of should’s and could’s and just allow me to be with me. on days like this, I can’t always face myself. so I keep my head down. I allow it to be a recovery day, so I can stand back up tomorrow stronger. fighting in solidarity with the incredible woman standing across from me instead of against her.

we aren’t made perfect. we aren’t made to live on a constant life high. we were made to be just as we are. we are not just intelligent beings, but we are emotional ones too. we have to give ourselves the grace to feel whatever is moving through us or getting back up will never get easier.

it’s okay to not know what to do. it’s okay to feel lost. it’s okay to take time to figure it out. and on those extra hard days, when facing yourself and everyone around you feels impossible, it’s okay to not do a thing.

we don’t stay here forever, but some days, it’s okay.

love always,

            Riss

everything might just be okay

yes, you heard it here first!… or second… or maybe more… regardless, I’m saying it, everything might just be okay. actually, everything will be okay. even when it doesn’t feel like it.

I have this belief. this belief that there is a shift in the universe saying ‘look, you were getting too comfortable and it’s time to change things up. it’s time to learn a new lessons. it’s time to get a little bolder. it’s time to find a little passion again. it’s time to get off your ass and do something bigger and better than yesterday.’

like most people, I have also struggled. there have been days when my ability to reach new heights is just not there or seems nearly impossible.

the other day for example, I was feeling so low in myself I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t get myself to write or read or get out of bed. some may call it depression, I call it getting stuck in my head. but you know that feeling when you are so overwhelmed by all the thoughts in your head that if you don’t get up and do something, or write them down or scream them out- you feel like you will explode? that feeling finally came to me.

I was exhausted and getting ready for bed and all of the angst caught up to me. it needed out. I was stuck because I stopped prioritizing my needs. so I figured I would stand at my computer and I would write whatever came out of my head and heart. let me tell you, she was mad. and annoyed. and ashamed. and embarrassed. and frustrated.

ya’ll I had been letting all of these feelings just sit inside me! like what? why do we do this to ourselves. it’s a rather aggressive journal entry but I want to share a part of it with you:

 

I didn’t write today or yesterday and I feel bad about myself for it. I’m struggling right now. I’m stressed and frustrated and struggling. I’m stressed that I still have a shitty relationship with money. That I haven’t been able to find a job. That I feel passionate about nothing. I’m frustrated that I’m alone and that even though I have amazing friends I’m still the last one single. It’s starting to make me feel like what’s wrong with me? Do I give off bad energy? Am I too rude and stubborn. Have I been too guarded…

I am very self-conscious of my financial situation. I want to have my own business and make a lot of money and be able to provide for myself. I want all of those things I want to be confident in my own skin and not feel insecure every time I take my shirt off. I am so frustrated. What am I doing wrong? I reflect and meditate and try to be a good person. I know where my weaknesses are and I’m working on them but it’s like I’m so closed off. Like I don’t know how to have fun anymore...

I feel awful right now. I’m disappointed in my body. I’m mad that my back is getting worse and nothing I do is making it better. I’m mad that I’m going to have to live with this for the rest of my life. I’m mad that I don’t have the life I want. I’m mad that I rely on my parents for support still. I’m mad that I feel unlovable. I’m mad that I let a stupid boy break my heart and hurt me. I’m mad that I allowed myself to become an entirely different person because of it. I’m mad that I can’t open up to people. I’m mad that I share my heart online just to try and make something of myself even though internally I don’t believe it’s going anywhere. I’m mad that I’ve thrown my schedule off. I’m mad that I can’t enjoy time out without thinking about the way I spend. I’m mad that I don’t have money for groceries. I’m mad that I am me. I’m so mad…

And I’m ashamed. I am ashamed that at 29 years old, I have no career, I have no direction, I have essentially no job. And because of that I’m embarrassed. Like who is going to want me with the current lifestyle I live. I went from being independent and striving to stuck in a box and living in a damn bubble. Afraid to take on more work for fear it’ll take away my ability to socialize…

And sometimes I do want to die. Sometimes I want to disappear so that I don’t have to feel all these emotions over and over again. It gets so exhausting trying to keep myself happy and trying to stay in a place where I can be certain with myself instead of constantly breaking myself down. I deserve more. I deserve to treat myself better. I deserve success and love and happiness. I deserve my own home and I deserve to have my own family. I deserve to make a fuck ton of money so that I can give to other people. I deserve to live a better life. I deserve this. I deserve all of this and more. What is this block? why do I have such a hard time getting around it? Why do I get so stuck? How do I change things. I want to know. I want the change, I want the shift. I want more. And I know no one can do it but me, but this one link is missing and most days I struggle to keep it together…

I want this year to be more than it has been in my past. I want to find the most success. I do not want to settle for less on any front. I want nothing but peace. I want peace. I want the courage to take chances and be bold. I want to accept the worst and hope for the best. I want more in my life.

(and yes, there was more)

how do we manage to let thoughts like that live inside of us? maybe more importantly, why do we let thoughts like this live inside us?

maybe I’m the only person that feels this way sometimes, but I like to think I’m not alone in at least some of these feelings. otherwise, there you go, welcome to my rather savage mind on occasion (insert awkward laugh here).

I will tell you that as soon as I released all of this emotion onto paper, I felt a lot better. did I cry? you bet your perfectly plump bottom I did. did I sit in a pity puddle from all those tears? oh yeah, definitely. did I eventually decide to stand up and mop it up? (because that’s what makes the difference) – the answer to that question is yes, yes I did!

the next morning during my meditation I decided that I needed to actually listen to my life coach and come up with some power phrases to shift my mentality when my head goes a little sideways. so my current one is … wait for it …

just have fun!

also my ego can go ahead and sit down and be quiet because the things she has to say are brutal. I wouldn’t let anyone talk to me like that so why do I let the voice in my head do it? probably because I’m human, but most likely because a small part of me has found comfort in it. comfort that I’m willing to dispense of and guess what?

I’ve got to take the universe’s hint and start to get uncomfortable again.

so will I always believe everything will be okay? no. there will be days I’ll fight tooth and nail for the painful words to be right. but deep down I’ll know and the truth because I have already accepted it. I might just have to drag it up from the soggy waters, wipe it off, and then let it glow like the luminescent feeling that it is.

so in case you forgot to remind yourself or you are struggling today or that little voice in your head is throwing jabs like you are in a fight you didn’t ask to be in, I want to remind you:

Everything will be okay.

Love always,

Riss

holiday fever

everything seems to move a little faster – from the cars to the people all the way down to time. I watch the stores flood with people, hungry for Christmas items and baked goods. reaching for the shelves to grab every item on the list of gifts that gets longer and longer every year. dodging drivers who have had not enough sleep and too much egg nog. the hustle and bustle is riveting, and if not careful, comes in waves of stress.

and within all this chaos, some level of magic still finds a way to captivate nearly every person who celebrates some festivity during the biggest holiday season of the year.

let’s be real, the holidays can be overwhelming. they trigger the little bug inside you called holiday fever. diagnosis: builds anxiety – may cause knots in the stomach – difficulty breathing at times – nausea – impaired judgment – overspending impulses – irritation – and desire to not move from bed.

I know I find myself wondering if I will get all the gifts, write all the letters, make all the parties, have enough room for the meals, and ultimately ask if I even have enough time. there is this weight that bares down to just get it all done. I sometimes imagine it like this scene in Who Framed Roger Rabbit (or any other crazy animated cartoon) where there is a piano thrown out a window and lands right on someone below. that’s the weight I see coming toward me and while it never actually lands, the anticipation is somehow worse.

however, every single year, I manage to somehow get everything done in time! beyond that, I am in awe that my family gets it done in time (like literally the night before) but it’s still done so that Christmas day can be used for actually relaxing.

I have to admit, this has probably been the craziest, most fun, busiest holiday season I have ever had. I prioritized building a community of friends and I have watched my social circle slowly expand. (it feels really good too. I love them all!) I was gifted the ability to finally see how my life can evolve – surrounded by comfort and love.

this year was my first friendsgiving – a hopeful new tradition with my friend family that I hope will continue on for years to come. bringing warm smiles, delicious food, and incredible laughter that bounced off every wall leaving a beautiful echo for days to follow.

I also had the wonderful pleasure of organizing a cookie exchange with one of my good friends. you would have thought there were twenty people at this event. rather we were a humble group of seven, who really overbaked (no not that kind of overbaked)… but had a great time munching on some yummy cookies and desserts anyway! we built into our event a new tradition of ornament making and a polaroid picture extravaganza – striking the most ridiculous poses and finding holiday spirit within each other.

and that brings the festivities to New Year’s – where we partied from the 50’s through the 90’s and right into 2023. Jess and I organized a decades themed New Year’s party complete with an eleven hour playlist of awesome music throughout the years, fun decorations, a picture wall, and hilarious games bringing out the competitive spirit in everyone. and of course wild outfits to represent the decades before us. together we entered into 2023 with good people and good omens.

every one of these moments, has been a gift, delicately placed in my life. and every one to come, will be waiting, to be unwrapped and experienced to the fullest.

I must admit that my social calendar was not always this decadent. once littered with the introverts greatest pleasures – doing absolutely nothing all by myself – not from want, but rather built in by the fear I had programmed in my mind.

yet today, I have taught and allowed myself to embrace people and moments as a blessing. now, these are the moments I choose to live for. these are the ones I know I can always look forward to. these are the ones I will cherish for the rest of my life. these are the ones that I want. without these moments, I know where I would be – back in another life with the wrong people, celebrating life alone, wishing I hade more good people in my life, and more than willing to settle for less.

the Holiday Fever is no longer something I run from but rather run toward. I don’t let the world control the heat in my blood – I take reign of that thermostat and so far, I’ve been able to keep it at just the right pressure (even if I do push the temp every now and then). but challenging myself to stay cool, calm, collected, and always wrapped in fun.

I hope this holiday season brought you just the right fever. Enough laughter. Enough people. And enough moments that can be relived for the rest of your life.

Cheers to the brightest year to come.

Love Always,

Riss

overwhelm

have you ever put yourself in the position of extreme amounts of overwhelm? overbooking with work, work functions, social functions, school, some or all of the above?

well hello, I can relate. as a matter of fact, look at the image I picked for this post, somewhere under all those flames I am trying to put that fire out.

see I run this cycle. its like the load of whites that I just can’t seem to get white enough so I add more bleach and I run the cycle again and again until the clothes are destroyed, because bleach does that too.

this pattern falls heavily in my life. I seem to run in this circle where I will overwork myself to the point of exhaustion. where my life starts to become this big cloud of anxiety because I have so much on my plate. where I can’t simply focus on one thing, but always have to be ten steps ahead, or else I will get behind.

then the day comes where finally I explode. I can’t take it anymore so I stop everything. I blow up at the people I love. I become quiet and reserved. I become difficult to work with. I resist anything that is different from my own thoughts and opinions and I firmly believe it has to do with my upbringing and how I have set my mentality.

to be totally honest, I actually haven’t been in this bad of a place in a long time. I set my boundaries to no work on weekends. then I changed that to accommodate one of the places I work to help out with a class. then I fell in love with programming and getting creative for that class so I took it on fully. then I changed my job around and decided I could work at least one day on weekends for a few hours now limiting my life, availability, and how I want to live.

and that’s only half of it. I extended my working hours for the potential to bring in more income. but what do we say? we don’t wait for potential. in order to get it, we have to just go for it. unfortunately, if you are not inclined to sell to people or pull them into your circle because you have a quota to hit, it doesn’t really work.

but I can also pull in the stress and say that adds to it, sending my mind into a shut down that makes it impossible to accomplish anything.

but then we have the social circle. and while I love being social with my friends, I can feel work dragging the life out of me making it difficult for me to want to attend events outside of my bed.

are you tired yet just reading this?

most of this is a vent. but it is my heart and my truth and it is part of my mission to share that with you so that you can see the real me all the time. maybe you can relate in some way. but I wanted to share today, my overwhelm that happens when I re-prioritize based on the needs of others and what happens when I put my own on a shelf to be dusted off at a later date.

life should be fun and exciting. when we do too much, that excitement disappears. when we work too hard, the exhaustion sets in and replaces life with a numbness that embodies every part of us just so that we can get through another day.

I could sit here and list off to you what I don’t want. it would be rather easy. but don’ts are negative and that only brings those things in. so here it is instead:

I want a life that is full of excitement every single day

I want a career that I will wake up and be excited about sitting down to do

I want energy that radiates from me allowing everyone to see the light that I hold

I want to give other people energy simply by loving the life I live

I want time to myself and time for my friends and time for my family

I want happiness beyond belief

I want to spark change

I want to genuinely connect with others and build long lasting relationships because I value the human race

and beyond all – I want more love in my life and to make others feel a little less alone every single day

I can want these things but the real question - how do I get to them? my hunch, start by letting go of the overwhelm and letting these be my guide instead. and then just do and see what happens from there.

so I ask you today, put aside the don’ts, the cant’s, the wonts and tell me:

what do you want? (seriously email me because I would love to know!)

love Always,

Riss

when life gives you lemons

when life gives you lemons…

I lived in Maine for 3 years almost to the day I left. and while I have some wonderfully traumatic events that consumed me, I also have some incredibly simple, beautiful, isolated moments.

I want to share a short story with you. one I hope you can take with you and share with others. one that will give you a new perspective on your own possibilities.

one day, toward the end of winter, I was walking into work. at the time I lived only a quick seven-minute walk. although on days like this, it may have taken closer to twelve while I shuffled over black ice and glided through slush lining the uneven brick across Portland’s streets.

if you have never been to Portland, you should go. it is a beautiful little city. (I say little because the main part of the city is about a mile across.) my favorite time of year is fall – but nowhere I have been yet beats the New England fall leaves so I am a little biased.

I digress.

in the heart of this small city is monument square. dressed with a beautiful Christmas tree, decorative lights, and mother natures natural ambiance. surrounded by several local restaurants and café’s and while not my favorite street of Portland, I did have the pleasure of passing through it every morning.

I was working at a gym as the operations assistant and group fitness coordinator and was also the opener – so I was there around 5/5:30 Monday through Friday morning. needless to say, my walks were freezing cold on pre, middle of, and post winter days (because winters in Maine last 6 months).

I was never nervous walking alone that early. some days I had peaks of anxiety because of the homeless population. the rational part of me, never thought I would ever be attacked or approached. but the anxiety ridden part of me well… she could come alive real fast.

on this one particular morning, there were actually two people in the square, which was far more than normal at five in the morning on a winter day. I struggled to scurry past quick enough to avoid comments or interactions with the people there – I will admit, there is a piece of me that feels a little shallow and like a terrible person for those thoughts. but I also believe it is natural to be on edge.

except I was stopped.

the stop wasn’t more than several seconds but it was enough to stir my heart and my mind.

this woman who had been rummaging through a garbage bin had been talking to herself. as I was making my way past, head down, alarms up, her words became more clear.

she stopped me more with her words than with the actual intent to stop me and said:

when life gives you lemons, what do you do?

and after a very short pause, I continued on to get to work. but I went with those words locked in my mind.

I was startled, stunned, shocked, but most of all - I was moved.

I don’t remember what exactly was going on in my life at that point, but I know that I had been struggling with something, most likely in my relationship, at the time. so when this woman asked this simple question, it made me dig into myself deeper than I had been willing to go.

scared to make moves and make changes, and not recognizing the opportunities lain all around me, I was stagnant and stuck in my life. I would say unfortunately, but we don’t believe in unfortunate events here, instead we relish in those moments and embrace them as learning moments. however it did take me a couple years to grasp onto the meaning of that question and how it would impact my life. how today it is a question I often find myself coming back to in order to reconnect with my life.

see the phrase

when life gives you lemons, make lemonade

has the implication to mean that when you are handed a gift or opportunity, turn it into the potential of what it could be.

I on the other hand, now have a different thought on that. why make lemonade, when I can take those lemons and make something so much greater. why stop at the easy option and instead go further. why not see more potential and more opportunity within what those lemons hold.

when I am blessed with gifts in this life, which happens to be every day, I do more than make lemonade. I build on those lemons, I use them as a foundation to boost myself further and make advances in all areas of my life: career, family, friends, hopes, dreams… you get the point.

I don’t sit in stagnation anymore. do I linger sometimes? absolutely. I am after all, only human. but I am a human who is willing to change and grow into someone that will do more with the life I’ve been given so that I can give back to others.

so next time you find yourself handed something that you weren’t expecting. handed more time. more work. more opportunities. more ideas. more grace. more love.

 

I ask you:

what will you do?

love always,

Riss

The imPerfect Body

*trigger warning for anyone struggling with eating disorders

*if you or anyone you know is struggling with eating disorders you can call (866)256-3563 for support.

some of what I have written below is unknown to nearly anyone in my life including the therapists I have had over the years - so to the friends and family that have been my support, I love you and am so grateful for everything you have done for me. your support has not gone unnoticed or unappreciated. you have all saved me in more ways than I can count.

this is a moment of pure vulnerability so please read with a kind heart. and if you or anyone you know might benefit from this and knowing you are not alone please share this and please reach out if there is anything I can do to support you.

**********************************************************************

For the last twenty years, I have struggled with the idea that my body is not perfect. With that comes the idea that in order for it to be perfect I need to eat a certain way – which is not eating or binging and then purging.

While the adolescent version of me didn’t necessarily pertain to these methods, the young adult version did. I can remember the first time I sat thinking about what I “needed” to do to get my body to where I wanted it to be. How could I possibly attain this level of perfection that I had been envisioning since I was playing with Barbie’s.

Yes, I will say that I wholeheartedly believe Barbie had a huge effect on my mental state, amongst many other things. From growing up in the world of dance to constantly comparing myself to my sisters and friends. Hearing comments about my body from my dad. Never feeling wanted by anyone all through high school. Constantly feeling like even if I did scream, no one would hear and certainly, no one would care was a burden I took to mean I wasn’t beautiful and that’s why no one liked me.

(If I could go back in time I would squeeze that little girl and tell her she is the most beautiful greatest thing on this planet and everything is going to be okay.)

My freshman year of college was when I finally decided to do something about the way I looked. It started by finally getting into the gym. I would get up early and go before class, but it still didn’t do enough for me fast enough. The levels of perfection so carefully carved into my mind felt even further away than before. So… my friend Kristen and I sat down and decided to make a pact….

We would starve ourselves and workout more and we would do it together. Hold each other accountable. Check in with each other. Make sure the slow deterioration of our bodies was happening at a steady state. We weren’t going to do it forever, we just wanted to drop some weight fast. That’s what I told myself anyway.

I truly believed that was the only way that I would be attractive to people. Sometimes I still believe it. It certainly isn’t easy and it can be scary. When friends, male friends to be more specific, started commenting on how good I was looking, it made it easier to keep going. To sit in the dining hall, nursing a water or a small salad because “I wasn’t hungry”. I could feel the fatigue taking a toll though.

Every morning was more difficult than the last to get up. Every morning was like a giant weight holding me down. Every workout was harder and harder and every day I was a little more disappointed in myself.

You know there is part of me that wishes someone had cared enough to ask if I was alright. Not that people didn’t care, but no one was concerned. Which in turn made me feel worse. Realizing that I was so overweight, that when I starved myself to a point of reaching a true healthy weight I finally became more attractive. It confirmed everything I had been telling myself. It was definitive that being unhealthy would make me look healthy. That was all the confirmation I needed to understand that temporary was going to last a lot longer.

As the weeks went on, Kristen and I would talk about how exhausted we were and how that must mean it’s working. Even after our pact died off, I stopped eating as much and when I did, I felt so much guilt and shame I would cry myself to sleep – disgusted. The guilt radiated. It was like this evanescent glow lingering in the background of my mind: dim and worn but strong enough to pull me down. Taunting and teasing me- keeping me locked in the shadows of my own mind. Scared of myself and what I would do next, but ready to keep going anyway.

So when I started eating again and after the guilt had surmounted to an unreasonable amount, that was when I took to the toilet. I’ll be honest, the first time I tried, it did not go well, which ironically, makes that a good thing. With the thought of giving up looming, I dug into the resilient part of me and refused to let one try be the end all be all. So I tried again and you know what? I succeeded.

I started to indulge in the food from Southside Dining Center and would follow it up with a quick trip to the toilet to rid my body of the crap normally referred to as nutrients and sustenance.

I did try to stop. Multiple times. I actually remember one moment very clearly. I had just had sushi with friends and we were back in the dorm lounge. I had this combative conversation running through my mind –

Don’t do it. You know it’s not good for you.

So what? It feels good. Plus you just put a whole lot of fat and grime in your body why wouldn’t you?

Because it isn’t healthy. There are other ways.

None as quick or efficient as this.

I won’t give in.

But you will.

And I did. I sat in front of that toilet for ten minutes before I did anything that night. After puking everything out of my system, I knew I needed to call my mom.

Crying on the phone, I told her what had been going on. She did the right thing. Other than be the most supportive person I could have asked for, she told me I was coming home at the end of the semester and we would figure out what to do when I was back. Therapy was not a choice and in order to go back to school, I had to get things right again. I told no one why I was leaving except for the guy who would later be my first boyfriend. Sounds silly when I say it now, but I was ashamed of what I had allowed to become of myself. Since my self judgement was already heavy, I didn’t want the weight of other people’s thoughts and opinions too.

The funny thing is, I still didn’t achieve the body I wanted. It still wasn’t enough.

I wasn’t enough.

Having family right in the other room should have been some semblance of motivation, them watching out for me, but honestly, it never is because at the end of the day it all comes from inside. It’s my own self-worth that wasn’t measuring up. It was the constant comparisons and lack of emotionally stable parents growing up that led me down this trail of self-deprecating thoughts and actions.

(Of course I don’t blame them anymore. I believe people are just doing the best they can, even when it hurts. Things were what they were and I’m a better person today for all of it. I wouldn’t trade those experiences for the world.)

Jump forward another 10 years and we have reached present day me. The evolution of me has not been perfect and in these continuous blog posts I will continue to let you into the dark moments in my life as well as some of the brightest.

I am still on this journey. I still struggle with my body at times and I do have my bad days. Days when I find myself hovering over a toilet bowl or finding other ways to cleanse my system. It hurts and it is never fun and the wave of guilt that passes over never changes or lessens. It remains prominent and bold. Demanding of attention I do not wish to give it but somehow cater to all the same. Ashamed that no one will love me because I’m still struggling with this.

I wish I could say now I have achieved “perfect”, but this has been one of the biggest lessons in my life around the ideal of perfection:

If we constantly seek perfection, we will never get there. Skinny enough will never be enough. Strong enough will never be strong enough. Smart enough will never be enough. It’ll never be the right time or the right person. Nothing will ever be enough.

So why did I share all of this? Not to bring you down or give you a moment of woe is me, but to share that the continual search for perfection leads nowhere good.

Instead, I have been working on learning how to accept progress and let go of everything else. I don’t have to be perfect, and neither do you. We are human and the only thing that matters is finding love for ourselves in ourselves. This is not easy for a lot of people and I recognize that. All we can do is keep trying, putting one foot in front of the other.

I believe we are all capable of love. I believe we are all capable of loving ourselves for ourselves. Most importantly, I believe that we are destined for more than we will ever be able to give ourselves credit for.

These words do not come lightly. These words are from the bottom of my heart.

You are a gift. You are a gift as you are in this walk of life and in this moment. You will continue to be a gift and no matter what perfection you are struggling to achieve, I will be here to say I love you and you have a friend in me.

Love always is more than loving others, it’s loving ourselves too. Sometimes we just need to hear it first.

Love Always,

Riss

Am I Good Enough?

Photo by Berkan Kucukgal

Am I good enough?

There are moments of doubt that linger in my head and provoke unwarranted thoughts of ‘Am I good enough?’ I spend hours thinking to myself, sometimes too much, about the talent and skills I believe I have. Questioning if success is attainable with them or if my natural talents are useless.

When it boils down to it and when I check through my seven stages of why, I find the desire for my success comes from the fire boiling in the base of my soul, to show my future family they can do anything and make their dreams come to life. My other purpose? To add value to the world. To leave this world greater than I came into it and make a mark that will connect individuals.

So yes! I do question whether I am good enough to do this. Whether my voice deserves to be heard. Whether my writing will speak to anyone or if it will be empty words on a page. And you know what, I question it almost every day, and that is okay.

I believe we all have something in life we are striving toward, big or small. Trying to get that promotion or start that workout routine. Maybe it’s trying to make small shifts to a diet. Maybe it’s practicing saying I love you to more people in your life or taking 60 seconds of silence for yourself every day. It could be so many things, but we are always working toward something. And whether you’ve been working at it for 1 day or 5 years, guess what? That beacon of doubt will come. There will be tests and moments of wondering what the fuck you are doing. It won’t stop. I wish I could tell you that it would.

This is the fun part- learn to validate and empower yourself. Write yourself sticky notes and put them everywhere. Set reminders on your phone. Schedule the time to achieve your goals. Ask your friends or family to remind you that you are doing a great job. Look at these things every single day and watch how those clouds of doubt start to turn into little whisps in the sky.

I am starting to structure my life to find ways out of that spot too! You are not alone, even if it feels like it. And while it isn’t easy, I do it anyway because I don’t want to look back on my life and wonder what if. I don’t want to look back and wish I had. I don’t want to regret a single moment of my life. That’s not in my cards, and that, I am sure of.

I can’t tell you what will make that feeling of doubt evaporate for you because we are all wonderfully different, but I can tell you this:

Keep going and don’t stop if your heart is in it.

Find your passions and live them. Allow them to breathe into your life and build you up.

On those dark cloudy days, where the thunder is booming insecurity after insecurity, telling you:

You can’t or You shouldn’t or You don’t matter or You aren’t enough

Put on your noise-cancelling headphones, walk into the storm, and then proceed to prove yourself right. Proving yourself right will be all the validation you need that you, indeed, are good enough.

Love Always

Riss