it’s okay

someone accidentally reminded me recently that it’s okay if life isn’t perfect.

sometimes I get caught up in the flow of what I try to represent and I forget it’s okay to show that I am, yes, also human. I struggle and suffer. there are days when getting up on my feet to get to the next thing feels impossible.

I have moments of doubt about what my life is and where it’s going. I have days where I struggle more heavily with my body image. I spend days questioning if my words are worth anything. days where I am stuck in my head. days where I project all my deepest insecurities onto others. I have days that can just totally suck.

it’s like being in a boxing ring, a place I have never been nor particularly desire to go to. all these heartaches and momentary struggles feel like I’ve been caged in a fight I didn’t ask for. a battle I have already lost but am still expected to keep going. the hits keep coming even when I am on the ground, bleeding, bruised, and broken. I watch the ref circle the ring, pressuring me to stand back up. the crowd chanting words I can’t make out because the ringing in my ears is too loud. I feel the weight of the champion staring me down, eyes glowing, beaming the words I dare you into my soul. and when I connect with that champion, I realize it is my own reflection. my own eyes staring back at me. stronger than I am capable of being right then.

I want to sit here and tell you all the things I do to pull myself out of this state in those moments, but there are some days I simply can’t. those are the days the best thing I can do is curl in a ball and get lost in movies and books. find peace in limited contact and isolation. let go of should’s and could’s and just allow me to be with me. on days like this, I can’t always face myself. so I keep my head down. I allow it to be a recovery day, so I can stand back up tomorrow stronger. fighting in solidarity with the incredible woman standing across from me instead of against her.

we aren’t made perfect. we aren’t made to live on a constant life high. we were made to be just as we are. we are not just intelligent beings, but we are emotional ones too. we have to give ourselves the grace to feel whatever is moving through us or getting back up will never get easier.

it’s okay to not know what to do. it’s okay to feel lost. it’s okay to take time to figure it out. and on those extra hard days, when facing yourself and everyone around you feels impossible, it’s okay to not do a thing.

we don’t stay here forever, but some days, it’s okay.

love always,

            Riss