12 life tips you forgot you needed (part 3)

6. justification is another word for excuses

if you want to meet a professional justifier:

hi, I’m Marissa, a professional justifier and excuse maker.

I want to talk about travel for a minute. I love travel. as a matter of fact, I love travel so much, I would do it full time for a living if I could! but for too long, I have given myself all the reasons why I can’t possibly do that.

let’s see: I have cats (can’t leave them). I don’t have the financial support. I need to be able to pay my bills. travel is expensive. I will get there some day. It’s just not my time yet. I have other things I have to take care of first. I don’t want to let that person down. and if I sat here long enough, I could come up with at least ten more excuses for why I can’t travel right now.

what I know about all of this - it’s absolute crap! ridiculous, absurd, and totally unreasonable crap. these are all things I have told myself because somewhere in me, as much as I want the traveler lifestyle, there is a piece of me, saying that I am not capable or deserving of it; so I won’t ever have it.

and these excuses are not limited. the other day I finally put together the start of my inspiration/manifestation board. I had been putting it off  because I was afraid to see the potential of what I could have in life. I was afraid I didn’t deserve the things I wanted and just because I put them on a board doesn’t mean they come true. how is that possible?

and then I hear my life coach, echoing in my head, telling me to stop thinking about how and to just do. so, the other day, that’s what I did. I didn’t worry about how I was going to afford the time off for two trips this year, I just know it’ll work out. I didn’t know how I was going to start a shop on my website, but I started looking into it anyway. I didn’t know how I could love myself the way other people do, so I just said I love you anyway.

I want to blog/write, to travel, and to connect with other people. that is what I want in life. I want to spread love and share love and for too long I have sat in my justifications and excuses asking how rather than taking action to see if it works. and if it doesn’t work – that’s fine! I sidestep and try something different. so I challenge you to do the same. take action and try. the worst you can do is learn something new!

now I want to move into the relationship side of this justifying bullshit because I know we have all been there.

in my last relationship, I justified everything. I said ‘well he had a hard upbringing so he doesn’t know any better.’ I said ‘no one has given him a chance to learn.’ I said ‘no one else gave him love.’ I said ‘he’s trying.’ I said ‘but he loves me.’ I said ‘he’s right.’ I said ‘I just can’t remember right.’ I said ‘he see’s things that I can’t.’ I said ‘you’re right, she’s not a good friend.’ I said ‘we’ve been doing better.’ I said ‘he’s just not ready yet.’

I made so many excuses for this man (and honestly a lot of other people in my life). I justified his actions to other people and then I went beyond that.

I remember one conversation I had with my best friend. Lauren and I hadn’t talked in a while. we had been airing on the side of distant friends for years and I was willing to let the friendship just fade with time, but then she expressed concern about my current relationship.

I had talked to another mutual friend (and out of the respect and love I have for her, I’m leaving her name out. she is a gem and I adore her regardless of moments like this) and shared some feelings and thoughts about my relationship with her. this friend went on to tell Lauren she was concerned that there may be some abuse. since this friend had been through her own traumatic relationship, she might not have been able to see the signs, but she could certainly feel them through my words. she didn’t need to know everything to see what was happening.

Lauren’s separation and distance came from a place of concern and trying to protect herself and I commend her for that. she was also worried about me. so when the topic of Joshua came up, she mentioned what she had heard and expressed her worry. my instant response was to defend, excuse and tell her how amazing he had been, how supportive he was, and how loving he was.

I over-explained his actions. it was like I needed to fix this image others had of him. I needed people in my life to understand that we were good and how good he was. I needed to protect him in order to protect myself.

the backfire was that I went too far. no one bought it. rightfully so. the honest truth was I was trying to justify the relationship for myself. if I could convince others this was real love, maybe I could convince myself too. the last thing I wanted was to admit I was wrong and I was hurting. I was committed to the words I had said. the shame of allowing myself to be in a relationship that was damaging held me frozen in a space I couldn’t get out of.

here's what I learned though: it doesn’t matter if you decide to change your mind about someone or something. it is totally okay to take a step back and admit that maybe you are wrong. if you believe in yourself, these moments will be humbling and the honesty will light you up like the sun in a clear blue sky. beyond that, they might just be the saving grace you need.

I’m not afraid to admit when I’m wrong anymore. I’m totally okay with being human. It’s knowing the line between understanding others and respecting ourselves that will eliminate the justifications and excuses to become humbled honest ass-bitches beyond anything anyone has ever seen. go shine your light babes, you know what’s true and it’s okay to be wrong sometimes.

5. live life for others

I have gone back and forth on this one for as long as I can remember. some days I’m like we live life for other people so that the world is better.

and other days I think how the hell do I make the world better for others if I don’t live for myself first?

let me spew to you the conclusion I have come to.

you know those days when you wake up and your will to get out of bed is almost unfathomable? like it would hurt to physically move because something happening inside your mind is telling you you’re basically worthless today? those are the days we get out of bed because we have to go to work, because we can’t let other people down. because we have a job to do and people to serve. it doesn’t feel good and sometimes the lack of motivation actually hinders our interactions.

let’s flip this though. think about the days, that you wake up and it’s like the gods shined down on you with this radiant energy that make you pretty much unstoppable. it has you feeling like you can tackle the world and any problem and it’s just going to be a great day. your motivation multiplies like mice and you probably have one of the best days.

I know I’m not alone in this. I know we have all had both of these mornings. and then we have had the mornings in between, where it’s just another day.

what does any of this have to do with living for others though?

all of these different types of days are 100% still living for other people. we may need to take care of ourselves or find some level of self-care in the day, but we are still living to serve others.

so my conclusion is that we have to love ourselves first. that way we have love to give to other people. and honestly sometimes it’s far easier to give love to others than it is to ourselves. but people will feel that radiance from you far more if you start with you.

I believe we are put here for other people. we are put here to impact the world positively in some way. everyone has a different way, a different purpose. you are a gift to others, and it is your job to share that with other people.

what keeps me going every morning, what has helped to kill the depression that sometimes lingers inside, is my will to give. my will to wake up and go serve. my will to help and be comfort to people.

I hope you find some level of comfort in knowing that by giving to others every single day, you will be giving yourself more back in return than if you only ever give to yourself.

so go do something nice for another person today. pay it forward simply because it’s a nice thing to do. offer someone a hug. offer to take someone’s photo. off an ear. buy someone lunch. make someone a card. challenge yourself to make another person feel seen and then watch as your heart starts to glow. it’s a beautiful thing and I’m excited for you.

contact me and tell me how you lived for other people today and how that made a difference for you!