12 life tips you forgot you needed (Part 4)

weeks later and we finally made it to part 4. the final pieces of life advice you forgot you needed, maybe never wanted, but found helpful anyway. I can’t wait for you to read the last 4 bits!

4. go forth and fail!

failure may be the most essential thing we have in our lives. without failure, we cease to be able to learn from experience and make strides.

all through school we are taught that an F on a paper or test is detrimental and can determine our ability to succeed in a class. for some people, this means getting held back. for others, it means their desire to strive forward halts and they accept that they are just a D student. and still, for other people, it motivates them to do better, however, I find that those people are few and far between.

we were not taught how to deal with failure. how to accept failure and how to view failure as a valuable asset in our lives.

Sarah Blakely, the founder of Spanx, talks about how her dad would ask her what she failed at every day when growing up. The only disappointment was if she hadn’t failed at anything. he instilled in them and taught them that failure is necessary. that so much can be learned from failing. he turned a negative word into positive action.

so I know this one isn’t easy. it’s rather difficult to even start to accept failure as a positive thing, but take a moment to see how that word makes you feel. does your heart rate increase? do you start to sweat? do you start to feel a little anxiety volcano bubbling at the pit of your stomach?

if any of these are the case, figure out why you feel the way you do about failure and then slowly, start to make the shift. with every failing moment, feel your feelings, and then immediately ask yourself how you can do better next time.

3. it’s not because you don’t want to, you might just not care enough about it

have you ever signed up for a class, started talking to a love interest, or started a new show everyone is raving about but feel your will and desire to keep it going is exhausting?

have you ever thought that maybe you just aren’t that into it? (or them?) and that’s okay?

a year and a half ago, I signed up for an online yoga instructor training so I could be yoga certified. I was excited to get a new certification, create new opportunities, and monetary income. as I made my way through the course, I was fascinated by all the teachings. it was fun to learn the poses. it was fun to do some live classes. it was fun learning new meditation techniques and how to cue. but when it got to the assignments that were due, I had ZERO drive or willpower to do them.

at first, I tried to commit myself to one a week. that felt reasonable. an hour a day should easily have had it done. but then that felt too hard. so, I thought okay, maybe one every two weeks. as this pushed on, I started to feel worse and worse. I started to feel like I was wasting the money I had spent on the program and like I couldn’t follow through with anything. (yes, I got dramatic)

it wasn’t until I had a conversation with my therapist and she said to me:

“Marissa, have you thought that maybe you just don’t want this? It’s okay to not finish everything. sometimes we try things and realize that we aren’t as into them as we thought. that’s okay.”

I looked at her and reminded her that I paid for the course. instantly I realized this was why I felt like I needed to finish it. I paid for it, so I have to finish it. I was able to recognize that as much as I love yoga, I love the practice of it for me rather than teaching it to other people.

this gentle reminder is still so helpful. what’s something that you’ve been trying to complete that your heart just hasn’t been into? take a moment to figure out why.

I want you to know, you don’t have to finish that and it’s okay that maybe, you just don’t care as much as you want to. there will be other things, but the fact that you tried is more than enough.

2. what if everything happens for you?

another rejection letter. another letdown. another heartache. another disappointment weaves its way into your life and you feel like nothing is ever going your way. or if it does, it’s only for a moment before it is ripped from you and you feel like you’re back in the bottom of a hole that feels impossible to get out of.

but what if that rejection letter was an opportunity? what if that letdown was a chance at something new? what if that heartache opened up possibilities? what if all these disappointments were altering your life for the better?

if we change the narrative to what is happening in our lives, it changes our life. we choose the way the story is told. yes, it is a choice. if you want it to be a woe-is-me victim story, then you can have it. but if you choose to see that that thing or person or opportunity wasn’t meant to be in your life. it will change everything.

I applied for a job not long ago as an assistant store manager for Vuori (a wonderful fitness apparel brand I love!). I went through two interviews and was not selected for the job.

at first, I was upset. this was a job I really wanted. the company is amazing, the people were awesome, and the atmosphere was somewhere I could see myself. when I got rejected, I was a little heartbroken.

my initial thought was ‘fuck, this day sucks.’

then, I accepted what was happening and chose to embrace it. in doing so I allowed myself to wallow through the night. tomorrow would be for making strides. I knew that there was a reason I didn’t get that job. it was going to have me taking on too much responsibility, taking away from the work I am aspiring toward.

then I heard this little voice in my head say Everything is Happening FOR You!

it was a moment of clarity that reminded me this wasn’t it. to take a moment and evaluate what was important. to understand the best way I could why this didn’t work out. but I had to start by accepting that this no was an absolute gift.

so next time something in your life doesn’t quite go as planned, unwanted circumstances come up, or an issue arises that catches you by surprise – remind yourself that maybe this is happening for you. maybe there is a lesson you need to learn. maybe there is a deep wound you need to heal. maybe there is something better for you out there.

but only if you change the narrative first.

1. be unapologetically yourself

there is a certain level of expectation to be a civilized person. to act a certain way in public and keep the rest to your home.

what do I say?

BE YOURSELF!

embrace you for who you are.

if you don’t like something about yourself, change it.

and don’t you dare ever apologize for being you. (please apologize if you cause emotional or physical pain to another person!) but we don’t spend enough time embracing our gifts and just being the person we want to be.

this is not an easy process and if you haven’t started it, it takes time. but do one thing every single day that brings you closer to who you are.

I no longer apologize when I run into people at the store. I say pardon me instead and I smile. I no longer hide my smile. I smile more. I no longer say yes to everything that comes my way. instead, I offer a thank you and then move on. I don’t get embarrassed when I dance like a buffoon during my group fitness classes, because that is who I am. I will sing out loud sometimes when I work out because it feels good. I will compliment someone if they look good or are wearing something I like.

these are all small things I love about myself and I have learned to embrace and share through the years.

I believe there is a fear, that if we show people exactly who we want to be, the projected judgment from those closest to us stops us in our tracks. it’s easier to be that person with strangers first. but if the people closest to you care about you, they will support your changes and embrace the better version of you, the you you want to be.

you are a kickass rockstar. you are amazing. and I love who you are right now in this moment!

go forth and just be unapologetically you, because that person is pretty fucking awesome.

I hope some of these life tip reminders resonated with you in some way! you are a glorious gift and have so much to offer.

email me and tell me what you think, what resonated for you, or if you have advice you would like to offer to lovealway.me.love@gmail.com I can’t wait to hear your takeaways and any advice you have for people too.

love always,

            Riss

12 life tips you forgot you needed (part 3)

6. justification is another word for excuses

if you want to meet a professional justifier:

hi, I’m Marissa, a professional justifier and excuse maker.

I want to talk about travel for a minute. I love travel. as a matter of fact, I love travel so much, I would do it full time for a living if I could! but for too long, I have given myself all the reasons why I can’t possibly do that.

let’s see: I have cats (can’t leave them). I don’t have the financial support. I need to be able to pay my bills. travel is expensive. I will get there some day. It’s just not my time yet. I have other things I have to take care of first. I don’t want to let that person down. and if I sat here long enough, I could come up with at least ten more excuses for why I can’t travel right now.

what I know about all of this - it’s absolute crap! ridiculous, absurd, and totally unreasonable crap. these are all things I have told myself because somewhere in me, as much as I want the traveler lifestyle, there is a piece of me, saying that I am not capable or deserving of it; so I won’t ever have it.

and these excuses are not limited. the other day I finally put together the start of my inspiration/manifestation board. I had been putting it off  because I was afraid to see the potential of what I could have in life. I was afraid I didn’t deserve the things I wanted and just because I put them on a board doesn’t mean they come true. how is that possible?

and then I hear my life coach, echoing in my head, telling me to stop thinking about how and to just do. so, the other day, that’s what I did. I didn’t worry about how I was going to afford the time off for two trips this year, I just know it’ll work out. I didn’t know how I was going to start a shop on my website, but I started looking into it anyway. I didn’t know how I could love myself the way other people do, so I just said I love you anyway.

I want to blog/write, to travel, and to connect with other people. that is what I want in life. I want to spread love and share love and for too long I have sat in my justifications and excuses asking how rather than taking action to see if it works. and if it doesn’t work – that’s fine! I sidestep and try something different. so I challenge you to do the same. take action and try. the worst you can do is learn something new!

now I want to move into the relationship side of this justifying bullshit because I know we have all been there.

in my last relationship, I justified everything. I said ‘well he had a hard upbringing so he doesn’t know any better.’ I said ‘no one has given him a chance to learn.’ I said ‘no one else gave him love.’ I said ‘he’s trying.’ I said ‘but he loves me.’ I said ‘he’s right.’ I said ‘I just can’t remember right.’ I said ‘he see’s things that I can’t.’ I said ‘you’re right, she’s not a good friend.’ I said ‘we’ve been doing better.’ I said ‘he’s just not ready yet.’

I made so many excuses for this man (and honestly a lot of other people in my life). I justified his actions to other people and then I went beyond that.

I remember one conversation I had with my best friend. Lauren and I hadn’t talked in a while. we had been airing on the side of distant friends for years and I was willing to let the friendship just fade with time, but then she expressed concern about my current relationship.

I had talked to another mutual friend (and out of the respect and love I have for her, I’m leaving her name out. she is a gem and I adore her regardless of moments like this) and shared some feelings and thoughts about my relationship with her. this friend went on to tell Lauren she was concerned that there may be some abuse. since this friend had been through her own traumatic relationship, she might not have been able to see the signs, but she could certainly feel them through my words. she didn’t need to know everything to see what was happening.

Lauren’s separation and distance came from a place of concern and trying to protect herself and I commend her for that. she was also worried about me. so when the topic of Joshua came up, she mentioned what she had heard and expressed her worry. my instant response was to defend, excuse and tell her how amazing he had been, how supportive he was, and how loving he was.

I over-explained his actions. it was like I needed to fix this image others had of him. I needed people in my life to understand that we were good and how good he was. I needed to protect him in order to protect myself.

the backfire was that I went too far. no one bought it. rightfully so. the honest truth was I was trying to justify the relationship for myself. if I could convince others this was real love, maybe I could convince myself too. the last thing I wanted was to admit I was wrong and I was hurting. I was committed to the words I had said. the shame of allowing myself to be in a relationship that was damaging held me frozen in a space I couldn’t get out of.

here's what I learned though: it doesn’t matter if you decide to change your mind about someone or something. it is totally okay to take a step back and admit that maybe you are wrong. if you believe in yourself, these moments will be humbling and the honesty will light you up like the sun in a clear blue sky. beyond that, they might just be the saving grace you need.

I’m not afraid to admit when I’m wrong anymore. I’m totally okay with being human. It’s knowing the line between understanding others and respecting ourselves that will eliminate the justifications and excuses to become humbled honest ass-bitches beyond anything anyone has ever seen. go shine your light babes, you know what’s true and it’s okay to be wrong sometimes.

5. live life for others

I have gone back and forth on this one for as long as I can remember. some days I’m like we live life for other people so that the world is better.

and other days I think how the hell do I make the world better for others if I don’t live for myself first?

let me spew to you the conclusion I have come to.

you know those days when you wake up and your will to get out of bed is almost unfathomable? like it would hurt to physically move because something happening inside your mind is telling you you’re basically worthless today? those are the days we get out of bed because we have to go to work, because we can’t let other people down. because we have a job to do and people to serve. it doesn’t feel good and sometimes the lack of motivation actually hinders our interactions.

let’s flip this though. think about the days, that you wake up and it’s like the gods shined down on you with this radiant energy that make you pretty much unstoppable. it has you feeling like you can tackle the world and any problem and it’s just going to be a great day. your motivation multiplies like mice and you probably have one of the best days.

I know I’m not alone in this. I know we have all had both of these mornings. and then we have had the mornings in between, where it’s just another day.

what does any of this have to do with living for others though?

all of these different types of days are 100% still living for other people. we may need to take care of ourselves or find some level of self-care in the day, but we are still living to serve others.

so my conclusion is that we have to love ourselves first. that way we have love to give to other people. and honestly sometimes it’s far easier to give love to others than it is to ourselves. but people will feel that radiance from you far more if you start with you.

I believe we are put here for other people. we are put here to impact the world positively in some way. everyone has a different way, a different purpose. you are a gift to others, and it is your job to share that with other people.

what keeps me going every morning, what has helped to kill the depression that sometimes lingers inside, is my will to give. my will to wake up and go serve. my will to help and be comfort to people.

I hope you find some level of comfort in knowing that by giving to others every single day, you will be giving yourself more back in return than if you only ever give to yourself.

so go do something nice for another person today. pay it forward simply because it’s a nice thing to do. offer someone a hug. offer to take someone’s photo. off an ear. buy someone lunch. make someone a card. challenge yourself to make another person feel seen and then watch as your heart starts to glow. it’s a beautiful thing and I’m excited for you.

contact me and tell me how you lived for other people today and how that made a difference for you!

12 life tips you forgot you needed (part 2)

part 2 was supposed to be comprised of another four very important lessons I would make sure to share with my younger self. however as I started pouring my heart out into the first two of this section, I couldn’t fit four. so, in this week’s lesson’s you forgot you needed I present you with 8 and 7! Enjoy!

8. no may just be the best thing you’ve ever heard

I will be the first to tell you that I might have once hated this word. not for any reason other than I hate being told no and I’m kind of sh*t at using this word. from the time I could talk until my teen years I was rather great at it (with family at least). when I started to develop protective measures in my life, I became a yes (wo)man. I found the justification in everything for everyone else but myself.

but this word…

there is so much to say in these two letters saddled side by side. it can be the difference between life and death. the difference between acceptance and rejection. it can be quiet or it can be loud. it can be a safe haven and key to freedom. it can change the trajectory of your life if you learn to master this word.

no comes in two forms: speaking and receiving.

I was just rejected from a job I really wanted. I thought I had it in the bag. I thought getting a second part interview was a huge indicator that this was going to be it. the job that was going to change parts of my life I have been looking to change. when I got my rejection letter, I was upset. instant acceptance that nothing will work out (except I also knew that was a lie and it wasn’t the right job for me right now). that doesn’t deter from the pain I felt for those brief moments.

a certain level of shame came with this moment for me. I had told so many people about it. expressed my hope in it. wrote down every day that it was my job. so to receive that email and know this wasn’t going to be it sent me backwards a few steps. the first bit had to do with knowing that I was going to have to tell everyone I had told about it that it wasn’t me. that may have been the worst part. I could handle it on my own but not letting down others. until I accepted I just needed to own it. it wasn’t the right job. and deep down I knew that too. that’s why it didn’t work out.

when receiving this simple word to something you really wanted: whether it’s a job, a new toy, a raise or promotion, a hug and kiss, or any of the many other things in life we can be told no to, it’s how we choose to receive it that makes the difference. acceptance is the first step and then there is no where to go but up from there.

then there is using the word yourself.

someone asks you to get them coffee and you say no. someone asks you to compromise your standards and you say no. someone asks you to meet up and you say no. this word holds a lot of weight. the way we present it back to others, can make the biggest difference.

when we are young, it is so easy to throw this word around – mostly with those closest to us. as we age though, I, myself, have turned into the pleasingest of people pleasers (yes you can add that word to your dictionary). finding it difficult to say no for fear of missing out, hurting someone else’s feelings, letting others down. nothing about it never feels easy, but I have come to realize how that hurts me.

realizing that the word no can protect you from compromising your life and values often builds the respect others have for you. it may not be prominent at first, but I guarantee it will come back as bigger blessings.

when we say no to one thing, we open opportunity for other things. we have to be careful about what we choose to say yes to, because that is the energy and possibility we let into our life. it doesn’t mean we can’t change or reroute the results (results are always changing) but it does mean we will be walking down a trail we most likely didn’t intend on taking in that moment.

a lot of it has to do with knowing yourself. knowing who you are. knowing what you want. knowing what is okay for you in your life and what is not. the word no is a power tool for you and one of the most dangerous weapons for those that embrace themselves and know themselves.

this is an ever-evolving process. for the rest of your life you will be getting to know yourself. but if you haven’t done that in awhile. if you haven’t taken the time to get to know you, I encourage you to go do it. to find out who you are and what you like and what is important to you so that you can inspire those around you to hold themselves to higher standards. to become people that aren’t afraid of two simple letters:

n. o.

7. fear is your biggest enemy and your greatest strength

baby birds learn to fly when they jump out of their nest. if they fall, they are abandoned by their parent. hey, that’s survival of the fittest for you. if a bird is too afraid to jump on that fateful flight day, mom will leave them behind. it’s move or be killed. that’s not to say that little bird can’t still go for it, but they will be on their own if they do. soaring into a world with zero guidance. that’s scary. maybe scarier than being killed by whatever rabid animal lays waiting on the ground.

sometimes we get stuck and locked in place by fear. I will be the first to put my hand in the air and scream ‘all the freaking time’. if I’m about to do something new and exciting (or nerve-wracking, although these are technically the same feeling), I get this burning feeling in the bottom of my stomach that sort of makes me feel like I want to throw up. my heart beats in my ears. my face goes from a nice tan to instant Rudolph red. and then I usually have to pee a lot.

these feelings come when I am doing the thing I fear. but that isn’t the worst feeling. it’s the feeling before I take action that stunts, hinders, and freezes me.

when I went to launch my website, for months I had been terrified. terrified of taking action to sit down and build something that is my own because of the fear of what others will think of me. how they will judge my life. my experience. me.

I grew up in a school environment where I never felt like I fit in. I was the kid that ate in the counseling center because I felt more comfortable at a table with a couple people than in a room with a lot of other people who were loud and not afraid to be themselves. or so afraid to be themselves that was their response system was loud and boisterous. in fact, I limited myself so much in high school that I couldn’t talk to boys. this came from my trauma with the only man who had been in my life. I was one of the most awkward people I knew. I didn’t feel like I fit into any group or clique of people. I felt like this bystander. so when I did choose to put myself out there, it was terrifying.

I took an acting class in high school and did a couple monologues that were rather grotesque and maybe a little more adult than I was ready for. one was this Lily Tomlin monologue of a homeless woman. she was far older than I really could have been to play this character, but something about it spoke to me. I got to be a little crazy. I got to be silly. I got to let a little bit of me out. it was the one place I could. and I was actually recognized for it.

the next monologue I explicitly remember was some random one I found online with this girl who shat her pants on a date or something. this should have been humiliating. and when my teacher asked if I was sure this was what I wanted to do, I told her yes. looking back, I realize she may have been trying to protect me from the passive abusive words of other high school students, but I’m proud of that younger version of me to stick to her guns and keep going with something she was so sure about. I performed my heart out in that monologue, made a room of people I had been in school with for four years laugh hysterically, and felt really good about myself by the end.

the last one was an assignment. we were to write our own monologues. I took myself back to a place where I was just twelve years old and my dad was leaving for the first time that I knew of. this monologue was heartbreaking because it was true. it was my thoughts and my feelings. it was my pain and hurt. it was my truth and my experience. not everyone in the room may have known that, but there were a few people who did. as I stood up, with shaking courage to perform, I sobbed through nearly the whole thing. we’ll call it a therapeutic experience. when I finished, the room was silent. I let that room of people feel a weight they hadn’t been expecting and again, I opened up a part of myself that I had been hiding away.

I look back at that girl, and I am so proud. because as afraid as that girl was, she was also fearless. in moments of what could have been embarrassment and shame, she owned her choices and decisions and she just did. she stopped caring for those few minutes and made moments that would last forever for her.

today, I struggle to find that piece of me at times. I struggle to really just do without thinking everything out first. it’s the thinking everything out piece that stops me from completing and finishing (or starting) the tasks and projects I want to do and accomplish.

if you have been in this place. if you have been sitting in this place of fear to do something you have wanted to do for far too long. or say something you have been aching to say. if you have let the projection of your own judgment onto other people toward yourself dictate your life, take a breath. hold your own hand. tell yourself it’s okay. and then just do it. don’t think, just do.

fear can’t stop you if you lean into it. fear can’t stop you if you make the active choice to be brave. fear can’t stop you if you walk forward as yourself. fear will not limit you. not anymore. and when it does, offer yourself kindness and grace because you are worthy of that and much, much more.

Love Always,

Riss

12 life tips you forgot you needed (part 1)

the last few weeks have been a roller coaster of ups and downs - what am I saying, that has been my entire life. I guess it’s a good thing I like roller coasters because otherwise, this would be terrible. however I have learned a lot through my short 29 years on this earth that I am so incredibly blessed with. so in today’s episode of my heart on a page, you’ll find unwarranted advice that you simply didn’t know you needed (or maybe needed a little reminder of). I know I certainly did.

this post will be broken up into 3 pieces so keep your eye out for the next 3 blog posts I have for you, and me, and anyone else who needs, wants, or you insist must hear it. and these are in no particular order because I believe they are all equally important depending on the season of life I am in. so take them as they apply to you!

12. build yourself a damn morning routine

            too all my people that love and hate routine at the same time (enter younger version of my conflicted self here) – I get it. you want the life that allows you to be free and open. to live a life of adventure with a certain amount of chaos sprinkled on the side. yet you also want that life that has some level of consistency to keep you grounded. if this isn’t you, that’s great because I’m sure this will still help no matter what your lifestyle is.

            first of all, if you already have a morning routine (insert round of applause) I have multiple questions – how long did it take for you to create one for yourself? do you ever get bored in your routine? do you feel like your day is more successful since you’ve made it consistent? (email me! I really do want to know!)

            for everyone else. I’m not going to tell you what to do, (also because I’m sure you’ve heard some of this before) but I’ll tell you what I have learned from my experience. over the years I have learned a lot about how having a morning routine makes me feel successful at the beginning of the day which creates higher levels of productivity. I have always teetered on some edge of consistency whether it be a shower, smoothie, or exercise. but over time I had to realize that based on my work start time, this isn’t always realistic.

            if I were to get up before work and workout today, I would be up at 3 in the morning! 4, I’m okay with, but I don’t have the wherewithal to go to bed at 7:30 every night.

            last summer I did a workshop that challenged participants to create a solid morning routine. ya’ll, I took this on and then some. I wanted to get up, meditate, do my gratitude’s, journal, do core exercises, foam roll, have lemon ginger tea and then I could do the rest of my day. that is a lot to do in an hour! that also doesn’t include physically getting myself dressed and personal hygiene. I had the intention to tackle a lot and it wasn’t manageable so it didn’t stick and I wound up feeling more discouraged than before.

            I ended up taking a break from my routine which allowed me the chance to figure out what is important to me or necessary for me at the start of my day to make me feel successful rather than overwhelmed.

            the only things I make the intention to do now are make my bed, meditate for ten minutes, and do my morning gratitude journal. some days, I don’t get to them all and that is okay! I’ve accepted my humanness to not be perfect.

my challenge to you, if you haven’t started this, pick one thing to add to your morning! just one. then once you’ve mastered that add a second. get up to three solidified in your morning routine. if you want to add more get yourself a nice rotating schedule of daily habits that no matter which of those you complete or have time for, you have already accomplished so much!

11. you best be grateful or else you be a fool

            several years ago, I put myself through a codependency program because I thought there was a lot wrong with me (thank you toxic relationships). and while I don’t classify myself as codependent rather a human being who sometimes has codependent qualities that I’m working on, I learned a lot.

            this program didn’t require it, but it encouraged doing daily gratitude’s. so, I bought myself a cute journal and made it my gratitude journal. (yes, cliché, I don’t care.) it seriously does help. at least for me and everyone else I know that has stuck to or been able to verbally acknowledge the things in life they are grateful for. and yes, I’m sure you have heard this many times before as well! I am not the first person to say this.

            finding gratitude in even the little things will change not just your day to day but your entire outlook on life.

let’s take a trip down memory lane - when I was thirteen, had they not found the tumor cutting off the circulation in my body, I could have been paralyzed. thankfully, that was not the case for me and I was able to recover fully. still, I had to relearn how to walk, dress myself, go to the bathroom by myself. I had to relearn how to physically function as a capable human being.

            some of the things that go in my journal are simply being grateful for waking up in the morning. being able to walk. being able to dress myself. being alive. I tell people that it is a great day every day that I wake up! currently I am following a journal that takes me through my days priorities, things I’m thankful for, gives me (sometimes rather sassy) quotes, and a win that I had the day before. then there is a check-in for me at the end of the day so I can circle back around.

            you guys! again, if you are not doing this, I seriously encourage you to. the world is going to start looking a whole lot different once you start acknowledging the small things in life that I know you already appreciate.

            so, to you and the twenty-year-old me – be more grateful damn it! it’s a beautiful life no matter the circumstances. you woke up and that makes it another day - another opportunity to change the world!

10. you’re allowed to feel two emotions at the same time

            this one is compliments of my friend Jess. I don’t know about you, but I sometimes feel conflicted when I’m let down by someone but understand their side at the same time…

there have been times in my life where I have struggled with two conflicting emotions. almost as if they are battling each other out. one screaming ‘but they let you down and that hurt!’ the other shouting back ‘but we understand their perspective and the situation.’

in life, not everything is going to go as planned. mistakes are going to happen, and yes, we will be disappointed by people and situations. that is a part of life. I was never taught that it’s okay to be empathetic with someone else but also be able to express my feelings about why I feel the way I do about it. (without placing blame! important people.) so I had to learn.

I’ve been on a few dates in the last couple months with a guy I really like. we had a date planned for the movies and he just so happened to take a nap a beforehand and slept a little longer than planned. I felt so conflicted inside because I could tell he felt bad about it and I understood he didn’t mean for it to happen. it didn’t take the disappointment away from something that I was really excited about though. someone I was excited about for the first time in a long time.

            my internal emotions were in straight collision with each other flying back and forth. and let me tell you, I was confused. I wanted to be upset but didn’t feel like I could be.

            that is until I had a conversation with Jess and she said ‘you can be disappointed and also be sympathetic.’ I can acknowledge what it brings up related to my own issues and insecurities and also sympathize with a mistake. with the stress of knowing I have somewhere to be right now and I’m definitely late. (that may be one of the top 10 worst feelings. the sheer anxiety and panic that sets in the body and knowing that all I can do is wait and be patient.) I totally understood what happened, that it was an accident, and how he felt.

            but I couldn’t disregard my own either. before Jess gave me that piece of advice, I thought I either felt my own feelings and was a b*tch for it or totally understood anyone else and disregarded my own. if you replace the word or with and, it changes everything.

this goes beyond romantic relationships. it applies to friendships and families. it works situationally. it could be the bagel you were excited about but they accidentally burned because they were slammed. it could be the weather on your birthday – planning a party for sun but it rains. not getting the job you wanted simply because it wasn’t the right fit or not getting an invitation to that friend’s party you desperately thought you would be invited to.

all of these invoke hurt in some way shape or form. and to that I say, it’s okay for you to feel two different things at the same time! embrace your own emotions and as long as the situation calls for it, you can understand theirs too.

9. let your friends support you (unless your friends suck, then get new friends)

            this is a big one. okay I have always been blessed with great friends. over the years, I have run in circles with inconsistent friends and friends who I’ve fallen out of friendship with and then back into friendship with. I have had friends who I can totally rely on and others that I can’t. I have had friends that were a temporary part of my life and friends that have stuck by me for decades. in each phase of my life I have had people that I love. my point is have friends! but then there is the support that comes with it.

            it can be so hard to rely on the people closest to you. there might be times when you can totally depend on them and there might be times when there is a fear to tell them anything. if they are good friends, not only will they support you, but they will also be honest with you.

            the other day I had a conversation with Jess (she really is so wise) and she set me back in check on a situation I was mentally struggling with. she was honest with me, but listened to me. she helped me see a different side of things. she brought me back down to earth while my head was busy trying to float away.

            so here we are, realizing that when I can’t be the adult in my own life, I have someone that can be. who isn’t going to just side with me but be brutally honest. we help keep each other accountable in the best way.

            when I was in Maine, I had a few friends here and there. but never enough and never any that stuck (due to some rather unfortunate circumstances). when I moved to San Diego, it became a priority that I needed a circle of people I could rely on. never again would the sole man in my life be the only person in my life.

            if you don’t have that group. if you find yourself struggling sometimes because you’re an introverted person (hi, also me sometimes), there are people out there for you who can be your confidant and who you don’t need to see every day or even every week. if you are super extroverted and struggling to find those people- they also exist. men, I can’t totally help you, but ladies, I have met some of my best friends off of bumble bff’s. so I would encourage you to look there if you don’t know where to start.

            having these people in your life is so incredibly important. we are social beings. we are not meant to live a recluse lifestyle. we need people and guess what, people need you too!

there are so many lessons in life to learn and these only touch the tip of the iceburg! how exciting is it we get to keep on learning? if there are any lessons or pieces of advice you would want others to know, email in to lovealway.me.love@gmail.com

love always,

Riss