12 life tips you forgot you needed (Part 4)

weeks later and we finally made it to part 4. the final pieces of life advice you forgot you needed, maybe never wanted, but found helpful anyway. I can’t wait for you to read the last 4 bits!

4. go forth and fail!

failure may be the most essential thing we have in our lives. without failure, we cease to be able to learn from experience and make strides.

all through school we are taught that an F on a paper or test is detrimental and can determine our ability to succeed in a class. for some people, this means getting held back. for others, it means their desire to strive forward halts and they accept that they are just a D student. and still, for other people, it motivates them to do better, however, I find that those people are few and far between.

we were not taught how to deal with failure. how to accept failure and how to view failure as a valuable asset in our lives.

Sarah Blakely, the founder of Spanx, talks about how her dad would ask her what she failed at every day when growing up. The only disappointment was if she hadn’t failed at anything. he instilled in them and taught them that failure is necessary. that so much can be learned from failing. he turned a negative word into positive action.

so I know this one isn’t easy. it’s rather difficult to even start to accept failure as a positive thing, but take a moment to see how that word makes you feel. does your heart rate increase? do you start to sweat? do you start to feel a little anxiety volcano bubbling at the pit of your stomach?

if any of these are the case, figure out why you feel the way you do about failure and then slowly, start to make the shift. with every failing moment, feel your feelings, and then immediately ask yourself how you can do better next time.

3. it’s not because you don’t want to, you might just not care enough about it

have you ever signed up for a class, started talking to a love interest, or started a new show everyone is raving about but feel your will and desire to keep it going is exhausting?

have you ever thought that maybe you just aren’t that into it? (or them?) and that’s okay?

a year and a half ago, I signed up for an online yoga instructor training so I could be yoga certified. I was excited to get a new certification, create new opportunities, and monetary income. as I made my way through the course, I was fascinated by all the teachings. it was fun to learn the poses. it was fun to do some live classes. it was fun learning new meditation techniques and how to cue. but when it got to the assignments that were due, I had ZERO drive or willpower to do them.

at first, I tried to commit myself to one a week. that felt reasonable. an hour a day should easily have had it done. but then that felt too hard. so, I thought okay, maybe one every two weeks. as this pushed on, I started to feel worse and worse. I started to feel like I was wasting the money I had spent on the program and like I couldn’t follow through with anything. (yes, I got dramatic)

it wasn’t until I had a conversation with my therapist and she said to me:

“Marissa, have you thought that maybe you just don’t want this? It’s okay to not finish everything. sometimes we try things and realize that we aren’t as into them as we thought. that’s okay.”

I looked at her and reminded her that I paid for the course. instantly I realized this was why I felt like I needed to finish it. I paid for it, so I have to finish it. I was able to recognize that as much as I love yoga, I love the practice of it for me rather than teaching it to other people.

this gentle reminder is still so helpful. what’s something that you’ve been trying to complete that your heart just hasn’t been into? take a moment to figure out why.

I want you to know, you don’t have to finish that and it’s okay that maybe, you just don’t care as much as you want to. there will be other things, but the fact that you tried is more than enough.

2. what if everything happens for you?

another rejection letter. another letdown. another heartache. another disappointment weaves its way into your life and you feel like nothing is ever going your way. or if it does, it’s only for a moment before it is ripped from you and you feel like you’re back in the bottom of a hole that feels impossible to get out of.

but what if that rejection letter was an opportunity? what if that letdown was a chance at something new? what if that heartache opened up possibilities? what if all these disappointments were altering your life for the better?

if we change the narrative to what is happening in our lives, it changes our life. we choose the way the story is told. yes, it is a choice. if you want it to be a woe-is-me victim story, then you can have it. but if you choose to see that that thing or person or opportunity wasn’t meant to be in your life. it will change everything.

I applied for a job not long ago as an assistant store manager for Vuori (a wonderful fitness apparel brand I love!). I went through two interviews and was not selected for the job.

at first, I was upset. this was a job I really wanted. the company is amazing, the people were awesome, and the atmosphere was somewhere I could see myself. when I got rejected, I was a little heartbroken.

my initial thought was ‘fuck, this day sucks.’

then, I accepted what was happening and chose to embrace it. in doing so I allowed myself to wallow through the night. tomorrow would be for making strides. I knew that there was a reason I didn’t get that job. it was going to have me taking on too much responsibility, taking away from the work I am aspiring toward.

then I heard this little voice in my head say Everything is Happening FOR You!

it was a moment of clarity that reminded me this wasn’t it. to take a moment and evaluate what was important. to understand the best way I could why this didn’t work out. but I had to start by accepting that this no was an absolute gift.

so next time something in your life doesn’t quite go as planned, unwanted circumstances come up, or an issue arises that catches you by surprise – remind yourself that maybe this is happening for you. maybe there is a lesson you need to learn. maybe there is a deep wound you need to heal. maybe there is something better for you out there.

but only if you change the narrative first.

1. be unapologetically yourself

there is a certain level of expectation to be a civilized person. to act a certain way in public and keep the rest to your home.

what do I say?

BE YOURSELF!

embrace you for who you are.

if you don’t like something about yourself, change it.

and don’t you dare ever apologize for being you. (please apologize if you cause emotional or physical pain to another person!) but we don’t spend enough time embracing our gifts and just being the person we want to be.

this is not an easy process and if you haven’t started it, it takes time. but do one thing every single day that brings you closer to who you are.

I no longer apologize when I run into people at the store. I say pardon me instead and I smile. I no longer hide my smile. I smile more. I no longer say yes to everything that comes my way. instead, I offer a thank you and then move on. I don’t get embarrassed when I dance like a buffoon during my group fitness classes, because that is who I am. I will sing out loud sometimes when I work out because it feels good. I will compliment someone if they look good or are wearing something I like.

these are all small things I love about myself and I have learned to embrace and share through the years.

I believe there is a fear, that if we show people exactly who we want to be, the projected judgment from those closest to us stops us in our tracks. it’s easier to be that person with strangers first. but if the people closest to you care about you, they will support your changes and embrace the better version of you, the you you want to be.

you are a kickass rockstar. you are amazing. and I love who you are right now in this moment!

go forth and just be unapologetically you, because that person is pretty fucking awesome.

I hope some of these life tip reminders resonated with you in some way! you are a glorious gift and have so much to offer.

email me and tell me what you think, what resonated for you, or if you have advice you would like to offer to lovealway.me.love@gmail.com I can’t wait to hear your takeaways and any advice you have for people too.

love always,

            Riss

12 life tips you forgot you needed (part 3)

6. justification is another word for excuses

if you want to meet a professional justifier:

hi, I’m Marissa, a professional justifier and excuse maker.

I want to talk about travel for a minute. I love travel. as a matter of fact, I love travel so much, I would do it full time for a living if I could! but for too long, I have given myself all the reasons why I can’t possibly do that.

let’s see: I have cats (can’t leave them). I don’t have the financial support. I need to be able to pay my bills. travel is expensive. I will get there some day. It’s just not my time yet. I have other things I have to take care of first. I don’t want to let that person down. and if I sat here long enough, I could come up with at least ten more excuses for why I can’t travel right now.

what I know about all of this - it’s absolute crap! ridiculous, absurd, and totally unreasonable crap. these are all things I have told myself because somewhere in me, as much as I want the traveler lifestyle, there is a piece of me, saying that I am not capable or deserving of it; so I won’t ever have it.

and these excuses are not limited. the other day I finally put together the start of my inspiration/manifestation board. I had been putting it off  because I was afraid to see the potential of what I could have in life. I was afraid I didn’t deserve the things I wanted and just because I put them on a board doesn’t mean they come true. how is that possible?

and then I hear my life coach, echoing in my head, telling me to stop thinking about how and to just do. so, the other day, that’s what I did. I didn’t worry about how I was going to afford the time off for two trips this year, I just know it’ll work out. I didn’t know how I was going to start a shop on my website, but I started looking into it anyway. I didn’t know how I could love myself the way other people do, so I just said I love you anyway.

I want to blog/write, to travel, and to connect with other people. that is what I want in life. I want to spread love and share love and for too long I have sat in my justifications and excuses asking how rather than taking action to see if it works. and if it doesn’t work – that’s fine! I sidestep and try something different. so I challenge you to do the same. take action and try. the worst you can do is learn something new!

now I want to move into the relationship side of this justifying bullshit because I know we have all been there.

in my last relationship, I justified everything. I said ‘well he had a hard upbringing so he doesn’t know any better.’ I said ‘no one has given him a chance to learn.’ I said ‘no one else gave him love.’ I said ‘he’s trying.’ I said ‘but he loves me.’ I said ‘he’s right.’ I said ‘I just can’t remember right.’ I said ‘he see’s things that I can’t.’ I said ‘you’re right, she’s not a good friend.’ I said ‘we’ve been doing better.’ I said ‘he’s just not ready yet.’

I made so many excuses for this man (and honestly a lot of other people in my life). I justified his actions to other people and then I went beyond that.

I remember one conversation I had with my best friend. Lauren and I hadn’t talked in a while. we had been airing on the side of distant friends for years and I was willing to let the friendship just fade with time, but then she expressed concern about my current relationship.

I had talked to another mutual friend (and out of the respect and love I have for her, I’m leaving her name out. she is a gem and I adore her regardless of moments like this) and shared some feelings and thoughts about my relationship with her. this friend went on to tell Lauren she was concerned that there may be some abuse. since this friend had been through her own traumatic relationship, she might not have been able to see the signs, but she could certainly feel them through my words. she didn’t need to know everything to see what was happening.

Lauren’s separation and distance came from a place of concern and trying to protect herself and I commend her for that. she was also worried about me. so when the topic of Joshua came up, she mentioned what she had heard and expressed her worry. my instant response was to defend, excuse and tell her how amazing he had been, how supportive he was, and how loving he was.

I over-explained his actions. it was like I needed to fix this image others had of him. I needed people in my life to understand that we were good and how good he was. I needed to protect him in order to protect myself.

the backfire was that I went too far. no one bought it. rightfully so. the honest truth was I was trying to justify the relationship for myself. if I could convince others this was real love, maybe I could convince myself too. the last thing I wanted was to admit I was wrong and I was hurting. I was committed to the words I had said. the shame of allowing myself to be in a relationship that was damaging held me frozen in a space I couldn’t get out of.

here's what I learned though: it doesn’t matter if you decide to change your mind about someone or something. it is totally okay to take a step back and admit that maybe you are wrong. if you believe in yourself, these moments will be humbling and the honesty will light you up like the sun in a clear blue sky. beyond that, they might just be the saving grace you need.

I’m not afraid to admit when I’m wrong anymore. I’m totally okay with being human. It’s knowing the line between understanding others and respecting ourselves that will eliminate the justifications and excuses to become humbled honest ass-bitches beyond anything anyone has ever seen. go shine your light babes, you know what’s true and it’s okay to be wrong sometimes.

5. live life for others

I have gone back and forth on this one for as long as I can remember. some days I’m like we live life for other people so that the world is better.

and other days I think how the hell do I make the world better for others if I don’t live for myself first?

let me spew to you the conclusion I have come to.

you know those days when you wake up and your will to get out of bed is almost unfathomable? like it would hurt to physically move because something happening inside your mind is telling you you’re basically worthless today? those are the days we get out of bed because we have to go to work, because we can’t let other people down. because we have a job to do and people to serve. it doesn’t feel good and sometimes the lack of motivation actually hinders our interactions.

let’s flip this though. think about the days, that you wake up and it’s like the gods shined down on you with this radiant energy that make you pretty much unstoppable. it has you feeling like you can tackle the world and any problem and it’s just going to be a great day. your motivation multiplies like mice and you probably have one of the best days.

I know I’m not alone in this. I know we have all had both of these mornings. and then we have had the mornings in between, where it’s just another day.

what does any of this have to do with living for others though?

all of these different types of days are 100% still living for other people. we may need to take care of ourselves or find some level of self-care in the day, but we are still living to serve others.

so my conclusion is that we have to love ourselves first. that way we have love to give to other people. and honestly sometimes it’s far easier to give love to others than it is to ourselves. but people will feel that radiance from you far more if you start with you.

I believe we are put here for other people. we are put here to impact the world positively in some way. everyone has a different way, a different purpose. you are a gift to others, and it is your job to share that with other people.

what keeps me going every morning, what has helped to kill the depression that sometimes lingers inside, is my will to give. my will to wake up and go serve. my will to help and be comfort to people.

I hope you find some level of comfort in knowing that by giving to others every single day, you will be giving yourself more back in return than if you only ever give to yourself.

so go do something nice for another person today. pay it forward simply because it’s a nice thing to do. offer someone a hug. offer to take someone’s photo. off an ear. buy someone lunch. make someone a card. challenge yourself to make another person feel seen and then watch as your heart starts to glow. it’s a beautiful thing and I’m excited for you.

contact me and tell me how you lived for other people today and how that made a difference for you!