12 life tips you forgot you needed (part 3)
6. justification is another word for excuses
if you want to meet a professional justifier:
hi, I’m Marissa, a professional justifier and excuse maker.
I want to talk about travel for a minute. I love travel. as a matter of fact, I love travel so much, I would do it full time for a living if I could! but for too long, I have given myself all the reasons why I can’t possibly do that.
let’s see: I have cats (can’t leave them). I don’t have the financial support. I need to be able to pay my bills. travel is expensive. I will get there some day. It’s just not my time yet. I have other things I have to take care of first. I don’t want to let that person down. and if I sat here long enough, I could come up with at least ten more excuses for why I can’t travel right now.
what I know about all of this - it’s absolute crap! ridiculous, absurd, and totally unreasonable crap. these are all things I have told myself because somewhere in me, as much as I want the traveler lifestyle, there is a piece of me, saying that I am not capable or deserving of it; so I won’t ever have it.
and these excuses are not limited. the other day I finally put together the start of my inspiration/manifestation board. I had been putting it off because I was afraid to see the potential of what I could have in life. I was afraid I didn’t deserve the things I wanted and just because I put them on a board doesn’t mean they come true. how is that possible?
and then I hear my life coach, echoing in my head, telling me to stop thinking about how and to just do. so, the other day, that’s what I did. I didn’t worry about how I was going to afford the time off for two trips this year, I just know it’ll work out. I didn’t know how I was going to start a shop on my website, but I started looking into it anyway. I didn’t know how I could love myself the way other people do, so I just said I love you anyway.
I want to blog/write, to travel, and to connect with other people. that is what I want in life. I want to spread love and share love and for too long I have sat in my justifications and excuses asking how rather than taking action to see if it works. and if it doesn’t work – that’s fine! I sidestep and try something different. so I challenge you to do the same. take action and try. the worst you can do is learn something new!
now I want to move into the relationship side of this justifying bullshit because I know we have all been there.
in my last relationship, I justified everything. I said ‘well he had a hard upbringing so he doesn’t know any better.’ I said ‘no one has given him a chance to learn.’ I said ‘no one else gave him love.’ I said ‘he’s trying.’ I said ‘but he loves me.’ I said ‘he’s right.’ I said ‘I just can’t remember right.’ I said ‘he see’s things that I can’t.’ I said ‘you’re right, she’s not a good friend.’ I said ‘we’ve been doing better.’ I said ‘he’s just not ready yet.’
I made so many excuses for this man (and honestly a lot of other people in my life). I justified his actions to other people and then I went beyond that.
I remember one conversation I had with my best friend. Lauren and I hadn’t talked in a while. we had been airing on the side of distant friends for years and I was willing to let the friendship just fade with time, but then she expressed concern about my current relationship.
I had talked to another mutual friend (and out of the respect and love I have for her, I’m leaving her name out. she is a gem and I adore her regardless of moments like this) and shared some feelings and thoughts about my relationship with her. this friend went on to tell Lauren she was concerned that there may be some abuse. since this friend had been through her own traumatic relationship, she might not have been able to see the signs, but she could certainly feel them through my words. she didn’t need to know everything to see what was happening.
Lauren’s separation and distance came from a place of concern and trying to protect herself and I commend her for that. she was also worried about me. so when the topic of Joshua came up, she mentioned what she had heard and expressed her worry. my instant response was to defend, excuse and tell her how amazing he had been, how supportive he was, and how loving he was.
I over-explained his actions. it was like I needed to fix this image others had of him. I needed people in my life to understand that we were good and how good he was. I needed to protect him in order to protect myself.
the backfire was that I went too far. no one bought it. rightfully so. the honest truth was I was trying to justify the relationship for myself. if I could convince others this was real love, maybe I could convince myself too. the last thing I wanted was to admit I was wrong and I was hurting. I was committed to the words I had said. the shame of allowing myself to be in a relationship that was damaging held me frozen in a space I couldn’t get out of.
here's what I learned though: it doesn’t matter if you decide to change your mind about someone or something. it is totally okay to take a step back and admit that maybe you are wrong. if you believe in yourself, these moments will be humbling and the honesty will light you up like the sun in a clear blue sky. beyond that, they might just be the saving grace you need.
I’m not afraid to admit when I’m wrong anymore. I’m totally okay with being human. It’s knowing the line between understanding others and respecting ourselves that will eliminate the justifications and excuses to become humbled honest ass-bitches beyond anything anyone has ever seen. go shine your light babes, you know what’s true and it’s okay to be wrong sometimes.
5. live life for others
I have gone back and forth on this one for as long as I can remember. some days I’m like we live life for other people so that the world is better.
and other days I think how the hell do I make the world better for others if I don’t live for myself first?
let me spew to you the conclusion I have come to.
you know those days when you wake up and your will to get out of bed is almost unfathomable? like it would hurt to physically move because something happening inside your mind is telling you you’re basically worthless today? those are the days we get out of bed because we have to go to work, because we can’t let other people down. because we have a job to do and people to serve. it doesn’t feel good and sometimes the lack of motivation actually hinders our interactions.
let’s flip this though. think about the days, that you wake up and it’s like the gods shined down on you with this radiant energy that make you pretty much unstoppable. it has you feeling like you can tackle the world and any problem and it’s just going to be a great day. your motivation multiplies like mice and you probably have one of the best days.
I know I’m not alone in this. I know we have all had both of these mornings. and then we have had the mornings in between, where it’s just another day.
what does any of this have to do with living for others though?
all of these different types of days are 100% still living for other people. we may need to take care of ourselves or find some level of self-care in the day, but we are still living to serve others.
so my conclusion is that we have to love ourselves first. that way we have love to give to other people. and honestly sometimes it’s far easier to give love to others than it is to ourselves. but people will feel that radiance from you far more if you start with you.
I believe we are put here for other people. we are put here to impact the world positively in some way. everyone has a different way, a different purpose. you are a gift to others, and it is your job to share that with other people.
what keeps me going every morning, what has helped to kill the depression that sometimes lingers inside, is my will to give. my will to wake up and go serve. my will to help and be comfort to people.
I hope you find some level of comfort in knowing that by giving to others every single day, you will be giving yourself more back in return than if you only ever give to yourself.
so go do something nice for another person today. pay it forward simply because it’s a nice thing to do. offer someone a hug. offer to take someone’s photo. off an ear. buy someone lunch. make someone a card. challenge yourself to make another person feel seen and then watch as your heart starts to glow. it’s a beautiful thing and I’m excited for you.
contact me and tell me how you lived for other people today and how that made a difference for you!
12 life tips you forgot you needed (part 2)
part 2 was supposed to be comprised of another four very important lessons I would make sure to share with my younger self. however as I started pouring my heart out into the first two of this section, I couldn’t fit four. so, in this week’s lesson’s you forgot you needed I present you with 8 and 7! Enjoy!
8. no may just be the best thing you’ve ever heard
I will be the first to tell you that I might have once hated this word. not for any reason other than I hate being told no and I’m kind of sh*t at using this word. from the time I could talk until my teen years I was rather great at it (with family at least). when I started to develop protective measures in my life, I became a yes (wo)man. I found the justification in everything for everyone else but myself.
but this word…
there is so much to say in these two letters saddled side by side. it can be the difference between life and death. the difference between acceptance and rejection. it can be quiet or it can be loud. it can be a safe haven and key to freedom. it can change the trajectory of your life if you learn to master this word.
no comes in two forms: speaking and receiving.
I was just rejected from a job I really wanted. I thought I had it in the bag. I thought getting a second part interview was a huge indicator that this was going to be it. the job that was going to change parts of my life I have been looking to change. when I got my rejection letter, I was upset. instant acceptance that nothing will work out (except I also knew that was a lie and it wasn’t the right job for me right now). that doesn’t deter from the pain I felt for those brief moments.
a certain level of shame came with this moment for me. I had told so many people about it. expressed my hope in it. wrote down every day that it was my job. so to receive that email and know this wasn’t going to be it sent me backwards a few steps. the first bit had to do with knowing that I was going to have to tell everyone I had told about it that it wasn’t me. that may have been the worst part. I could handle it on my own but not letting down others. until I accepted I just needed to own it. it wasn’t the right job. and deep down I knew that too. that’s why it didn’t work out.
when receiving this simple word to something you really wanted: whether it’s a job, a new toy, a raise or promotion, a hug and kiss, or any of the many other things in life we can be told no to, it’s how we choose to receive it that makes the difference. acceptance is the first step and then there is no where to go but up from there.
then there is using the word yourself.
someone asks you to get them coffee and you say no. someone asks you to compromise your standards and you say no. someone asks you to meet up and you say no. this word holds a lot of weight. the way we present it back to others, can make the biggest difference.
when we are young, it is so easy to throw this word around – mostly with those closest to us. as we age though, I, myself, have turned into the pleasingest of people pleasers (yes you can add that word to your dictionary). finding it difficult to say no for fear of missing out, hurting someone else’s feelings, letting others down. nothing about it never feels easy, but I have come to realize how that hurts me.
realizing that the word no can protect you from compromising your life and values often builds the respect others have for you. it may not be prominent at first, but I guarantee it will come back as bigger blessings.
when we say no to one thing, we open opportunity for other things. we have to be careful about what we choose to say yes to, because that is the energy and possibility we let into our life. it doesn’t mean we can’t change or reroute the results (results are always changing) but it does mean we will be walking down a trail we most likely didn’t intend on taking in that moment.
a lot of it has to do with knowing yourself. knowing who you are. knowing what you want. knowing what is okay for you in your life and what is not. the word no is a power tool for you and one of the most dangerous weapons for those that embrace themselves and know themselves.
this is an ever-evolving process. for the rest of your life you will be getting to know yourself. but if you haven’t done that in awhile. if you haven’t taken the time to get to know you, I encourage you to go do it. to find out who you are and what you like and what is important to you so that you can inspire those around you to hold themselves to higher standards. to become people that aren’t afraid of two simple letters:
n. o.
7. fear is your biggest enemy and your greatest strength
baby birds learn to fly when they jump out of their nest. if they fall, they are abandoned by their parent. hey, that’s survival of the fittest for you. if a bird is too afraid to jump on that fateful flight day, mom will leave them behind. it’s move or be killed. that’s not to say that little bird can’t still go for it, but they will be on their own if they do. soaring into a world with zero guidance. that’s scary. maybe scarier than being killed by whatever rabid animal lays waiting on the ground.
sometimes we get stuck and locked in place by fear. I will be the first to put my hand in the air and scream ‘all the freaking time’. if I’m about to do something new and exciting (or nerve-wracking, although these are technically the same feeling), I get this burning feeling in the bottom of my stomach that sort of makes me feel like I want to throw up. my heart beats in my ears. my face goes from a nice tan to instant Rudolph red. and then I usually have to pee a lot.
these feelings come when I am doing the thing I fear. but that isn’t the worst feeling. it’s the feeling before I take action that stunts, hinders, and freezes me.
when I went to launch my website, for months I had been terrified. terrified of taking action to sit down and build something that is my own because of the fear of what others will think of me. how they will judge my life. my experience. me.
I grew up in a school environment where I never felt like I fit in. I was the kid that ate in the counseling center because I felt more comfortable at a table with a couple people than in a room with a lot of other people who were loud and not afraid to be themselves. or so afraid to be themselves that was their response system was loud and boisterous. in fact, I limited myself so much in high school that I couldn’t talk to boys. this came from my trauma with the only man who had been in my life. I was one of the most awkward people I knew. I didn’t feel like I fit into any group or clique of people. I felt like this bystander. so when I did choose to put myself out there, it was terrifying.
I took an acting class in high school and did a couple monologues that were rather grotesque and maybe a little more adult than I was ready for. one was this Lily Tomlin monologue of a homeless woman. she was far older than I really could have been to play this character, but something about it spoke to me. I got to be a little crazy. I got to be silly. I got to let a little bit of me out. it was the one place I could. and I was actually recognized for it.
the next monologue I explicitly remember was some random one I found online with this girl who shat her pants on a date or something. this should have been humiliating. and when my teacher asked if I was sure this was what I wanted to do, I told her yes. looking back, I realize she may have been trying to protect me from the passive abusive words of other high school students, but I’m proud of that younger version of me to stick to her guns and keep going with something she was so sure about. I performed my heart out in that monologue, made a room of people I had been in school with for four years laugh hysterically, and felt really good about myself by the end.
the last one was an assignment. we were to write our own monologues. I took myself back to a place where I was just twelve years old and my dad was leaving for the first time that I knew of. this monologue was heartbreaking because it was true. it was my thoughts and my feelings. it was my pain and hurt. it was my truth and my experience. not everyone in the room may have known that, but there were a few people who did. as I stood up, with shaking courage to perform, I sobbed through nearly the whole thing. we’ll call it a therapeutic experience. when I finished, the room was silent. I let that room of people feel a weight they hadn’t been expecting and again, I opened up a part of myself that I had been hiding away.
I look back at that girl, and I am so proud. because as afraid as that girl was, she was also fearless. in moments of what could have been embarrassment and shame, she owned her choices and decisions and she just did. she stopped caring for those few minutes and made moments that would last forever for her.
today, I struggle to find that piece of me at times. I struggle to really just do without thinking everything out first. it’s the thinking everything out piece that stops me from completing and finishing (or starting) the tasks and projects I want to do and accomplish.
if you have been in this place. if you have been sitting in this place of fear to do something you have wanted to do for far too long. or say something you have been aching to say. if you have let the projection of your own judgment onto other people toward yourself dictate your life, take a breath. hold your own hand. tell yourself it’s okay. and then just do it. don’t think, just do.
fear can’t stop you if you lean into it. fear can’t stop you if you make the active choice to be brave. fear can’t stop you if you walk forward as yourself. fear will not limit you. not anymore. and when it does, offer yourself kindness and grace because you are worthy of that and much, much more.
Love Always,
Riss
everything might just be okay
yes, you heard it here first!… or second… or maybe more… regardless, I’m saying it, everything might just be okay. actually, everything will be okay. even when it doesn’t feel like it.
I have this belief. this belief that there is a shift in the universe saying ‘look, you were getting too comfortable and it’s time to change things up. it’s time to learn a new lessons. it’s time to get a little bolder. it’s time to find a little passion again. it’s time to get off your ass and do something bigger and better than yesterday.’
like most people, I have also struggled. there have been days when my ability to reach new heights is just not there or seems nearly impossible.
the other day for example, I was feeling so low in myself I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t get myself to write or read or get out of bed. some may call it depression, I call it getting stuck in my head. but you know that feeling when you are so overwhelmed by all the thoughts in your head that if you don’t get up and do something, or write them down or scream them out- you feel like you will explode? that feeling finally came to me.
I was exhausted and getting ready for bed and all of the angst caught up to me. it needed out. I was stuck because I stopped prioritizing my needs. so I figured I would stand at my computer and I would write whatever came out of my head and heart. let me tell you, she was mad. and annoyed. and ashamed. and embarrassed. and frustrated.
ya’ll I had been letting all of these feelings just sit inside me! like what? why do we do this to ourselves. it’s a rather aggressive journal entry but I want to share a part of it with you:
I didn’t write today or yesterday and I feel bad about myself for it. I’m struggling right now. I’m stressed and frustrated and struggling. I’m stressed that I still have a shitty relationship with money. That I haven’t been able to find a job. That I feel passionate about nothing. I’m frustrated that I’m alone and that even though I have amazing friends I’m still the last one single. It’s starting to make me feel like what’s wrong with me? Do I give off bad energy? Am I too rude and stubborn. Have I been too guarded…
I am very self-conscious of my financial situation. I want to have my own business and make a lot of money and be able to provide for myself. I want all of those things I want to be confident in my own skin and not feel insecure every time I take my shirt off. I am so frustrated. What am I doing wrong? I reflect and meditate and try to be a good person. I know where my weaknesses are and I’m working on them but it’s like I’m so closed off. Like I don’t know how to have fun anymore...
I feel awful right now. I’m disappointed in my body. I’m mad that my back is getting worse and nothing I do is making it better. I’m mad that I’m going to have to live with this for the rest of my life. I’m mad that I don’t have the life I want. I’m mad that I rely on my parents for support still. I’m mad that I feel unlovable. I’m mad that I let a stupid boy break my heart and hurt me. I’m mad that I allowed myself to become an entirely different person because of it. I’m mad that I can’t open up to people. I’m mad that I share my heart online just to try and make something of myself even though internally I don’t believe it’s going anywhere. I’m mad that I’ve thrown my schedule off. I’m mad that I can’t enjoy time out without thinking about the way I spend. I’m mad that I don’t have money for groceries. I’m mad that I am me. I’m so mad…
And I’m ashamed. I am ashamed that at 29 years old, I have no career, I have no direction, I have essentially no job. And because of that I’m embarrassed. Like who is going to want me with the current lifestyle I live. I went from being independent and striving to stuck in a box and living in a damn bubble. Afraid to take on more work for fear it’ll take away my ability to socialize…
And sometimes I do want to die. Sometimes I want to disappear so that I don’t have to feel all these emotions over and over again. It gets so exhausting trying to keep myself happy and trying to stay in a place where I can be certain with myself instead of constantly breaking myself down. I deserve more. I deserve to treat myself better. I deserve success and love and happiness. I deserve my own home and I deserve to have my own family. I deserve to make a fuck ton of money so that I can give to other people. I deserve to live a better life. I deserve this. I deserve all of this and more. What is this block? why do I have such a hard time getting around it? Why do I get so stuck? How do I change things. I want to know. I want the change, I want the shift. I want more. And I know no one can do it but me, but this one link is missing and most days I struggle to keep it together…
I want this year to be more than it has been in my past. I want to find the most success. I do not want to settle for less on any front. I want nothing but peace. I want peace. I want the courage to take chances and be bold. I want to accept the worst and hope for the best. I want more in my life.
(and yes, there was more)
how do we manage to let thoughts like that live inside of us? maybe more importantly, why do we let thoughts like this live inside us?
maybe I’m the only person that feels this way sometimes, but I like to think I’m not alone in at least some of these feelings. otherwise, there you go, welcome to my rather savage mind on occasion (insert awkward laugh here).
I will tell you that as soon as I released all of this emotion onto paper, I felt a lot better. did I cry? you bet your perfectly plump bottom I did. did I sit in a pity puddle from all those tears? oh yeah, definitely. did I eventually decide to stand up and mop it up? (because that’s what makes the difference) – the answer to that question is yes, yes I did!
the next morning during my meditation I decided that I needed to actually listen to my life coach and come up with some power phrases to shift my mentality when my head goes a little sideways. so my current one is … wait for it …
just have fun!
also my ego can go ahead and sit down and be quiet because the things she has to say are brutal. I wouldn’t let anyone talk to me like that so why do I let the voice in my head do it? probably because I’m human, but most likely because a small part of me has found comfort in it. comfort that I’m willing to dispense of and guess what?
I’ve got to take the universe’s hint and start to get uncomfortable again.
so will I always believe everything will be okay? no. there will be days I’ll fight tooth and nail for the painful words to be right. but deep down I’ll know and the truth because I have already accepted it. I might just have to drag it up from the soggy waters, wipe it off, and then let it glow like the luminescent feeling that it is.
so in case you forgot to remind yourself or you are struggling today or that little voice in your head is throwing jabs like you are in a fight you didn’t ask to be in, I want to remind you:
Everything will be okay.
Love always,
Riss
new year, new goals
These goals go beyond the ordinary, at least for me! Check out where I’m headed this year and join me in transforming your year into the best year yet!
as I sat across from my therapist, she smiled and asked me to reflect back on the goals I had set for the 2022 which consisted of:
· reaching a level of true happiness in my life
· setting appropriate boundaries with others
· cultivating and maintaining personal relationships
· embracing and accepting my emotional state and well-being
as she read these off to me, I barely recalled having set any of them, but recognizing where I have made vast improvements and where I still needed to dig a little deeper and do a little more work.
while I may not have mentioned it to her, I did feel an instant strike of nervousness about having only accomplished some of these and parts of others.
I recognize the goal of reaching a true level of happiness falls in the way of a lifelong goal. that to attain and achieve this, I must continue to live every day in the greatest state of mind. I am also a rather (and sometimes too much) realistic person and know that it is unreasonable for me to constantly be in this state of mind. I am after all human, and I will continue to struggle maybe not everyday, but as I try and work at it, fewer days than before.
I also found myself struggling to accept that while I have worked hard to achieve a level of emotional intelligence that has me welcoming and accepting my emotional state, I realized when I got tired of the emotional pain sprinkled in, I decided to stop providing comfort to myself. instead, I would disregard my feelings and find more logical ways to explain what was going on in my life. I pushed the thoughts and emotions, deep inside of me, away (in a typical reactive Marissa manner) and continued on with life. while I have started to find my way back to a sound and secure place, reinviting the lost feelings inside me and disregarded vulnerability, I have adjusted my goals for this new year.
this years goals come at a high cost but really only with the intention to continue forward on my journey in life.
1. fall in love: This year I want to fall in love – with myself, with a partner (who I very much plan to manifest), with my work, with my passions, with life in all aspect. I want to fall in love with every person I come in contact with. falling in love goes beyond the partner, but allowing myself to be my own partner at times too.
2. to let go of structure: despite my large affinity for sharing my heart with all of the internet and those that find their way to my page, I admittedly get stuck and rather frustrated when plans fall through. part of my lack of emotional range has caused me to build structure to offset the lack of control in my life. seeing areas I struggle to let go and just flow. so this year, I am working to keep structure where necessary, and let go of the rest.
3. learn to effectively move through my emotions: there are times when I get complacent. I get comfortable doing nothing because it requires no work. this year, I want to continue to press forward, opening up myself to others and letting down the guard that I have carefully built over the years.
4. be more genuine with other people: I spend so much time with other people that there are days when I feel like I am putting on a front, just to get by. where I will ask questions, but not really care. where I will appear invested but not really be. where I’m trying to just be friendly, but it’s really hard. 2023 is a year that I want to be genuinely present in every moment I am in. From putting my phone away when I am with others, to actually maintaining and being fully engaged in the conversation and information I learn about others.
5. listen more: I find number 4 and 5 are actually connected. a lot of times, I hear myself talking and just think – ‘shut up’. no one needs to hear this story again. no one needs to know the entire play-by-play of your afternoon. but somehow I find a way to just keep going. needing to relate or let them know I relate by sharing my own stories. working this year, on listening more. on asking more questions and not caring if I get to share about me.
6. take the pressure off myself: if there is one thing I know I am good at, it is loading on the pressure. sometimes it is so heavy, it’s unbearable. there are days when I am so hard on myself I forget to give myself kindness and compassion. two things that I easily give to others, but struggle to serve myself. this year I am taking the pressure off. if I don’t hit the deadline, if I don’t do everything I wrote down, if I don’t make every event. I take the pressure off. because this is the year of being light as a feather.
I was able to create these goals rather quickly because I knew what I needed without having to really think about it (more so, I know what I’m currently lacking.
I am excited for this year. I am excited to see what more it brings into my life. on this path toward something bigger than myself, I’m just excited to embrace life in every single moment. but you should know, I’m also terrified.
I don’t live blindly… okay, maybe sometimes. but for the most part, I struggle with fear in my life, overcoming and persevering through it. I sometimes get so afraid to make the wrong choice, that I make no choice. I find myself locked in a cycle of yes, no, yes, no. and it is daunting!
so while this year will bring in more, because I am more self-aware than last year, I know it will also bring me more challenges to face, more opportunities to grow, and more love than I could have ever imagined.
I hope this New Year brings in your heart’s desires too.
Love Always,
Marissa
