What’s Her Name?

Photo by Fernando Rodrigues

The voice in my head. The one that tells me my body doesn’t look right. That says that the food I eat expands my waistband two sizes. The one that shames me when I don’t eat and then guilts me when I do - She is vile. She talks me down when I’m trying to climb up. She is the hand that pushes my head underwater while I’m trying to catch a breath of air. She is relentless in her attempt to ruin my image of myself.

If I’m honest, She has done it. She has accomplished what she set out to do.

Until now.

Her voice is loud and bold. She speaks in security, thinking that I will never escape from the cuffs She locked me in long ago. She is everything I never wanted to be, but all I have become.

Every bite of food is filled with guilt. It tears apart my mental state and has me restricting when all I want to do is eat. Every meal skipped is doused in not just mental pain but physical pain, but if I eat, getting it out is the priority. If I don’t sadness consumes me. It’s become a no-win situation.

This voice in my head is persistent.

This voice is rampant.

This voice has my mind locked in an escape room I can’t seem to riddle my way out of. The worst part is knowing that while I have my whole life ahead of me, time is fleeting.

(I don’t think She knows that includes her.)

Sometimes She gets quiet.

Which is nice.

But I don’t trust Her to be gone for long.

It’s like She is not just sitting in the shadows, silently watching, but She is the shadows. Waiting for me to puzzle my way out of one room so that the next is more difficult. She matches my growth in difficulty. She studies me while I heal, then chips at the glue until I feel ten steps backward.

Her eyes are black holes freckled in pain. Her figure is everything I am not. She glows in rejection and smells of desire. Her hair flows in waves of shame and guilt. Her voice sings out my deepest insecurities. She walks in strides leaving hopelessness behind her for the starved, desperate follower to consume. I see my leash as She leads. Everything She is bleeds off Her in unlimited supplies, dissolving into my energy field which is absorbed and redistributed throughout my mind.

She holds my power over my head and laughs while I try to get it back. Jumping to grab it, while She grows. My attempts to shut Her down, build Her up.

Then there are those moments when I ground into myself, and I find Her getting weak. I stop feeding into Her energy. She hates that, so she goes a little harder. Pushes a little deeper and either uproots my energy or starts to dissolve.

The disillusionment of Her presence leaves a gaping open space in my mind, my soul, and my body. A space I often forget to fill. A space She comes back to because it’s accidentally left open for Her.

She is nameless. She just is. She is the kind of power that exists only in a false reality. A reality that if broken would shatter my view of what I have allowed myself to become and the world I have chosen to live in. And then I wonder which is scarier: Living in a world that doesn’t exist or one where She doesn’t exist.

Love Always,

Riss

Spin and PTSD Featuring My Ex

Perfection is nonexistent. Life is built on a learning curve—the little constructs in everyday life that lead us toward a peaceful life, not a perfect life.

A week ago my work team went to take a spin class. Now, if you know me, you know I do not like spin. It goes beyond spin classes though – I do not like bikes. I don’t like riding them outside. I don’t like the electric kind. I don’t like driving next to people who ride them (I’m sorry if that’s you, it’s not you, it’s the bike…I promise). I do not like cycling at all in any form or any space.

Weird… right?

One of the fundamental things we learn to do when we are growing up is to ride a bike. After my training wheels “magically” fell off my first bike, I got a beautiful two-wheeled bike from Santa. It was purple and had these beautiful shimmering purple tassels hanging off the handlebars. I rode it all the time. I rode it to my best friend's house. I rode it to the park. I rode it in circles around our cul-de-sac. I loved my bike.

I cannot pinpoint for you the exact moment I started to detest bicycles. I can’t even give you a range of time. I don’t know how it happened or when it happened. I know that one day I liked them and then I was in college and I was hiking a bike up a giant hill in Pullman, Washington getting kicked by peddles.

So somewhere in there, I subconsciously decided I didn’t like bikes.

It was that simple.

My furry and frustration toward them is unwarranted and a little unhealthy (if I’m being honest).

Until a few years ago when I was invited to a spin class. Now while I wasn’t thrilled about the workout of choice, I was looking forward to the potential of making new friends.

The girl who invited me was acquainted with my ex. We will call him Crab (because Harry Potter references are fun). She was someone who had known him in the Navy and had reconnected with him only a month or so beforehand. I didn’t know her, but I felt a little threatened.

I’ll tell you now, that I had no reason to be, not because I didn’t trust her, but because I didn’t trust him. That and she was/in a happy committed relationship.

My relationship with Crab was a myriad of ups and downs. Bigger downs than the ups could ever equate to. I had found messages to other women multiple times on his phone that left my already deep-rooted trust issues, grounded even further.

Before you come at me for going through his phone, I was insecure and his behavior was aggressive and off. I could have waited for him to come to me about it, but my anxiety was too high and he never would have. He would have lied to me about it over and over again and then somehow manipulate me into believing something was wrong with me.

I do not condone going through another individual's personal device unless warranted. If it comes down to that, there are most likely other issues that need to be addressed - personal or relationship-wise.

I digress.

This friend of his had invited me to a spin class with her and her sister. I said yes – Open to the idea of getting to know this girl better so that my insecurities about their friendship could subside. On the night of the class, however, Crab and I got into a fight. He was mad at me for saying yes and for even thinking about going to the class with her. He felt threatened that I was going to steal his friend from him.

Yes, his friend. I was not allowed to be friends with her until he decided it was okay.

It was an explosive fight, much like the ones we were having every night. It left me in tears. I was scared I was going to lose him because I was trying to build a relationship and get to know someone he valued as a friend. If I walked out that door, I was risking him leaving, which he had threatened to do…again…

By the time I showed up to the class, I realized I booked the wrong one. I was flustered. I was running a few minutes late. I had been sobbing. I didn’t know anyone. I didn’t know what I was doing. I felt lost and alone.

Fortunately, the woman at the desk helped me to my bike, clipped me in, and got me ready to go.

I made it forty-five minutes through the class. The tenderness from the recent events had me barely holding on. Between the music, the tempo, the volume, and the people the room started to feel small. I could feel the walls closing in around me. My head was spinning more than my legs. My breath was aching for air, desperate to bring life back into my body. My eyes were struggling to hold back the fountain of tears slowly leaking through.

I remember trying to get myself off the bike feeling stuck, with my shoes clipped and locked into the peddles. I ended up unstrapping my feet and getting off. I hustled past the girl at the desk, stopping for just long enough to inform her the shoes were still in the clips. Concern was all I saw in her eyes while a flood of tears fell down my pink, sweaty face. I was embarrassed. I was hurt. I was sad. I was scared.

That was my first spin class.

A heartbreaking moment in my life. A genuine moment in my life. A moment of learning. A moment built in love and sadness.

So when my team went to do, what we call ‘team sweats’, at a local spin studio, I made it thirty minutes before the room started closing in on me, compressing everything in my head and chest.

It’s been two years since that relationship ended, and the effects have lived on.

It doesn’t feel good to admit because I have worked so hard to move through the pain of that relationship. The hurt that came with it. I have worked to make myself better for my faults and my wrongdoings as much as I have worked to let go of the hurtful words, thoughts, and opinions that I started to believe were true.

And still, I have days when moments like that come flooding back in vivid memory, pulling me back to a moment in time that is no longer now.

So, I had a PTSD moment.

The most important thing I did though, was feel. I felt it all. I cried. I did not finish the class to prove to myself I could. I did not worry about what anyone else would think. Instead, I let it move through me.

I was blessed to have a friend who came outside to support me and remind me that these are my feelings and Crab doesn’t get to hold power in my life anymore. I didn’t grow because of him, I grew because I chose to.

Healing takes time. Trauma lives in the body and the smallest thing can set off a memory. Next time you find yourself reliving a painful moment, know that you are not alone. Give yourself space to self-soothe. To cry. To scream. To run. To do whatever you need to do to release that moment and bring the power back to you. These moments are real and they live on and that’s okay.

Love Always,

Riss

Bulimia Nervosa

*trigger warning for anyone struggling with eating disorders

*if you or anyone you know is struggling with eating disorders you can call (866)256-3563 for support.

Imagine standing at the helm of a ship: the sun kissing your skin and the mist of the water balancing the sun’s kiss. The breeze dancing through your hair, wrapping your clothes tighter to your body. Allowing the salty air to caress your nose and sink into your pores.

Take a moment to feel that. To embrace that. To hear the waves and feel the sensations.

Then out of nowhere, it shifts.

The sun falls behind a massive dark cloud. That moment of bliss is ripped from you before you have time to process what is happening.

Rain pelts your skin, washing away the salt, and soaking your body in an unforgiving moment. The waves rock the boat in a series of violent strokes, giving you barely a second to catch yourself before you fall off the front of the ship. Nausea gurgles in the base of your stomach and before you can stop it you feel the remnants of everything good in your body being released.

The sensation is gut-wrenching and heartbreaking.

And this is how I would describe those moments when I find myself seated in front of a toilet. Battling for a mind of clarity while the dark clouds hover and settle in.

My experience with eating disorders has been maybe one of the longest relationships I have had (insert uncomfortable laughter here.)

When I reach a point where it feels like the boat is just uncontrollably rocking, pulling me backward 100 steps from the progress I have made, I feel the physical shift in my mentality.

It’s weird. I can recognize when it is happening and feel the spiral start. I watch myself being pulled into this whirlpool. I can see myself clawing at the water to get out of it, but you can't hold water. It doesn’t offer a way to grip and hold onto. It only offers a pull downwards. It sucks you in backward and there is nothing you can do.

Sometimes, and very rarely, I can pause the inevitable. Somehow it always circles back around though. It’s mental gymnastics and that shit gets exhausting. It’s always followed by tears. A moment staring at the girl in the mirror wondering how she got here. Unsure who she even is which makes her feel even more alone. Makes her feel unseen. Makes her invisible.

I won’t tell you this happens frequently. It doesn’t anymore. But when it does, the girl with the smile on the exterior is wearing a mask nearly impenetrable except by those who know her best. Even then, she has become a master at hiding her pain from them too.

Bulimia affects about 1.5% of US females and .5% of men at some point in their life (https://americanaddictioncenters.org/bulimia-treatment). The risks and the physical deterioration that happens in the body range from tooth decay, esophagus rupture, heart damage, prolonged sore throats, and more.

I know all this information. I have read and researched and reached for more knowledge surrounding this topic. I have worked to understand why I do this thing and where it comes from. I have discussed it in therapy. I have tried to comprehend why my self-image is so distorted. Tried to relate and associate what in my life brings it to the forefront.

Yet… I still find myself staring into the hole of a toilet bowl from time to time. My version of escape.

The process makes no sense but it is there. It happens.

Eating disorders affect at least 9% of the population (https://anad.org/eating-disorders-statistics/). Unfortunately, the ability for people to talk about or engage in conversation about them is typically laughed off out of a place of sincere discomfort.

I don’t shy away from this issue that I deal with on a daily basis – whether it’s a mental fight or physical action – one way or the other.

I wonder sometimes what difference it would make if we could talk about it. Discuss this topic more. Bring it to the attention of those around us. Turn the conversation to places of understanding, appropriate questions, and how to broach the subject or address concerns.

Whether you find yourself relating to my specific struggle or you are dealing with a struggle of another kind, I want you to know I love you. I know it’s hard, really hard some days. You are worth more than those thoughts in your head. Those voices screaming. On the days you need a voice to scream back because yours is suddenly gone or distorted:

I’ve got you.

The body is the vessel that holds more than just your food - it holds your soul and you my friend, are far more than your body.

Love always,

Riss

Possibilities

Sometimes I start writing. I sit and stare and try to put myself in the mindset of a person or gender that isn’t me or mine. Not to say that I can’t. I have observed and interacted with a variety of male species that are undoubtedly lived research to where I could build a story with one included as a central narrator. Yet, I find myself stumbling over my words. Uncertain and afraid I will get it wrong.

And while I try to stumble forward from this unfamiliar point of view, I find myself in a state of confusion. Jumping from one story to the next. Character to character. Until I can’t remember which story I am telling. Whom I am telling it to. What I want to say. And who is saying it.

Except, I know that it’s not the problem with the story, but rather the multitude of stories trying to escape and my inability to keep up.

It becomes like a Netflix wheel: Too many options, so I simply don’t finish any.

Maybe that is the reason I have spent years longing to write a book but stalled myself, stopping at short stories. Pieces that could go far beyond where they currently are but sit stagnant because my brain cannot find the ability to extend it further. Knowing it could be great, but leaving it as it is – good enough

I have trialed and failed many times.

Now I have two building in my head. One that will be shared at a later date. One that will be written over long periods of time as I construct and outline a home filled with lessons and the foundation for my life. The other will be rooted in the fictional space of love. The love of friendship. Ripping heartbreaks and happily ever after’s. A story I hope will inspire and continue to transpire. Touching the hearts of those that are able to build a connection with the characters, just love to read, love love, or need somewhere to keep their heart for a moment.

Love is my atmosphere. It is my world. It is everything I live and long for. I believe it is what keeps us going. What keeps us humble. Keeps us safe. Because at the end of the day, we are loved by someone and that is a beautiful thing.

My biggest goal in life is to share more love. I wish that I had the gall to do more sometimes. I have grandiose ideas that I would let color the pavement if the introverted side of me could take those steps.

I will, and it will probably be one of the hardest things I do, but I know the payoff will be greater because I finally gave myself a chance to make my dreams a reality.

Maybe you know the feeling. Maybe what’s love for me is painting or running or playing an instrument or moving up the corporate ladder or starting your own business or the other multitude of things it could be… for you.

I have always lived in a dream world, what I have not done is turned dreams into reality. Maybe for fear that I wouldn’t be able to turn back to the fantasy that once lived in my head and will have to accept the hard realities that come with making a dream a possibility: diluting and dissipating the dream.

But here is where life lies. Where living is.

In those moments of strife and angst, we have hope and accomplishment.

I hope you find your dream. I hope you find the courage to go where you are destined to go. To embrace the faults and trivialities of the dreams you have and make even those beautiful.

So pick up that paintbrush. Go run for five minutes. Buy that keyboard. Have that conversation with your boss. Grab a book to start that business. Go take one step forward.

For me, it starts with words on a page. Every single day. From there…I just take it one step at a time.

I can’t promise each step will get easier, but I can tell you the story you will have to tell because you did will be greater than the seat you sat in staring at the possibilities in front of you.

You are amazing.

You are everything.

Love Always,

Riss

To Be a Healer

My obnoxious positivity rains down on other people like the after showers of fireworks on the 4th of July. I can decorate people in ribbons and flowers, and make them the prime float in a parade made solely for them. One that shines and pulls in spectators within fifty feet. I can make them glow and remind them of their worth and value, even for a moment.

My silence offers freedom for their thoughts to reverberate into the universe. Every word stopped at my ears’ touch. Allowing their feelings, big or small (always relevant) to enter into a space that holds no echo. And the heat of their secrets burns delicately on my skin sending back warmth and safety.

This is the gift of a healer. A listener. A responder. This is a gift given to others free of charge.

And when my body and ears become fully soaked in the release from others, I take on the responsibility that is not mine. Discerning what belongs to me, and what has leeched itself to my soul. Blending with the oil on my skin, seeping into my blood until what is mine and theirs becomes solely mine.

The emotion-weighted vest that drapes over my shoulders feels impossible to shake off.

While I try to give back to myself, I realize the healer within has given and offered too much to others. Forgotten about healing herself. And now the cost is too high.

Free of charge is the minimum, my life is the maximum. The balance is a cost, and yet still worth every penny.

Warning Signs

Fact: love is blind. If you say otherwise, you haven’t been in an unhealthy relationship (and I’m incredibly grateful you haven’t had to experience that!). I’m not talking about Nick and Vanessa Lachey’s social experiment. I’m talking about real nitty gritty tough relationships that teach you a thing or two about yourself. That love is blinding. Like a car in the night with high beams right in your face. That’s what I mean.

We have this innate ability to gloss over what other people notice because we are too busy basking in the glory of who this wonderful person has made themselves out to be. That is until it’s just the two of you and then the mood shifts. The lights dim and the person that was shining is now barely visible. The darkness they bring makes us question our sanity and our reality. The pretty words whispered in the dark and mental manipulation have us stuck, unable to speak honestly to friends and family because we committed to this. Because we said yes. Because we convinced ourselves that everything has to be all right and we’ve made sure everyone else thinks that way too.

The truth is, our friends and family may know already. They may have already addressed this with us. They may have already seen the shift and change in our demeanor, our words, and our actions. and they recognize that this isn’t a healthy change because they know us better than we wish they did at this particular moment in time.

By the time the warning signs are clear to us, it feels too late. it feels like being stuck inside some demented dream where as hard as you try, waking up doesn’t seem to be an option. Instead of admitting to everyone else (who would welcome us back with open arms) and ourselves (the admittedly harder of the two) that we were wrong, we lock the shackles ourselves and toss the key across the room. 

There are a lot of toxic people in this world, and I don’t necessarily blame them to an extent... we as a society are not (generally) taught how to feel, communicate, and live healthy emotional, responsive lives. Especially if you grew up in an unhealthy environment it means your entire learning experience was built in a state of emotional instability fostered by a severe lack of self-awareness. How would you know where to even begin? How would you know if you’re even doing anything wrong? 

Truth: you probably wouldn’t. The knee-jerk reaction to defend yourself when someone approaches you about their feelings as a result of something you did is instinctual, a survival mechanism that continues the cycle of toxicity within your behaviors as well as the relationships you enter into.

Relationships can be amazing for growth – someone comes in and shows us a mirror to expose all the toxic traits we exhibit and is like ‘Wake up mother fucker, you got shit to fix.’

And in reality…healthy or not, we all have things to keep working on and fix. Life is a constant adjustment period

Because in my life experience (in which I have only had the pleasure of experiencing the two most dramatic ends of the spectrum), I believe this can go one of two ways: one partner says ‘Oh yeah, you’re right. let me have a closer look at that mirror. it’s time to make some changes,’ while the other throws themselves a nice pity party and hunkers into a doomsday bunker like the whole world is out to get them. Then they get so comfortable in there that the thought of getting out wouldn’t just be the end of the world, but the end of everything they’ve ever known. Then they would have to admit that they are kind of a shitty person and look themselves in the face… and that’s a scary thought. 

I’m going to be real here: at the end of the day, we have all been a shitty person to someone or about something to some degree. Even if you are the best person in the world, you’ve had to learn and grow in some capacity. The difference is choosing self-awareness vs. choosing to stay stagnant. Sometimes that is what friends are for.

While I have slightly digressed, no one deserves this treatment. If you have been fighting tooth and nail to grow and be a better person every single day in a tough relationship, you have most likely outgrown your partner. Listen to those closest to you. Hear them out.

I cannot say enough how important friends are. They are a solid reason for support because they will see the waiving red flags long before you do. Especially if you are, like me, easily swayed by pretty words and attention from any man who might be willing to give it to you for five minutes. (Yes, I realize that might sound a little pathetic, but it’s true! I’m here to own it and also am 100% working on it.)

My point is that your circle of friends is going to know you. They will start to see your spiral. They will notice your change in behavior before you do. They will see the shift, the distance, or whatever else it may be. They will know something is wrong or off. They will come in as the knight in shining armor to confront you out of love and the safety of you.

Speaking from experience, when my best friend approached me about my ex, while it wasn’t the most graceful of approaches, I disregarded it and we ended up having a full fallout 6 months later. We have happily been reunited since then but that was a stressful time. I couldn’t understand what she saw because I wasn’t looking for it. I also didn’t think I deserved better so instead I justified the actions and behaviors of my then-partner. 

But she saw the change, she saw his possessive nature, and whether we were close or not at that point, she saw a change in me that didn’t feel right. She knew and acknowledged what I couldn’t at that point in my life.

This wasn’t just isolated to friends. My sisters saw it too and they were much more forward about it with me. Again, I was in denial because I just wanted to be loved. I wanted a certain life and I was willing to compromise myself and my happiness for it even when I knew it wasn’t right.

Today I like to think I’m a little more self-aware than that. that if my friends approached me about a situation, I would easily be able to say okay and re-evaluate what was going on in me and in the situation itself.

So, my advice to all those going through it, listen to your friends and family. If you trust them and if they know you, they seriously just want to help and want the best for you. They love you, more than someone who controls and manipulates ever will. They want your freedom while that other person wants you caged. 

There will always be lessons that have to be experienced to truly be learned, and one’s friends and family won’t be able to save you from. While the honesty provided by those closest to you may sometimes hurt, they love you and it will come with grace and care for the person that you are. 

If you are in one of these situations right now, struggling to get through another day. Fighting yourself and the person you love. Searching for hope while watching the security in your life slipping away. If you’ve heard the words from others, and if you have denied them to protect your ego, I want you to know I see you and I feel you. You are on the edge of a new beginning. The first thing you have to do is let go and embrace that it’s going to be okay. The care and self-awareness I hope you one day have for yourself will be carried by those closest to you until then (and I promise, they don’t mind).

it’s okay

someone accidentally reminded me recently that it’s okay if life isn’t perfect.

sometimes I get caught up in the flow of what I try to represent and I forget it’s okay to show that I am, yes, also human. I struggle and suffer. there are days when getting up on my feet to get to the next thing feels impossible.

I have moments of doubt about what my life is and where it’s going. I have days where I struggle more heavily with my body image. I spend days questioning if my words are worth anything. days where I am stuck in my head. days where I project all my deepest insecurities onto others. I have days that can just totally suck.

it’s like being in a boxing ring, a place I have never been nor particularly desire to go to. all these heartaches and momentary struggles feel like I’ve been caged in a fight I didn’t ask for. a battle I have already lost but am still expected to keep going. the hits keep coming even when I am on the ground, bleeding, bruised, and broken. I watch the ref circle the ring, pressuring me to stand back up. the crowd chanting words I can’t make out because the ringing in my ears is too loud. I feel the weight of the champion staring me down, eyes glowing, beaming the words I dare you into my soul. and when I connect with that champion, I realize it is my own reflection. my own eyes staring back at me. stronger than I am capable of being right then.

I want to sit here and tell you all the things I do to pull myself out of this state in those moments, but there are some days I simply can’t. those are the days the best thing I can do is curl in a ball and get lost in movies and books. find peace in limited contact and isolation. let go of should’s and could’s and just allow me to be with me. on days like this, I can’t always face myself. so I keep my head down. I allow it to be a recovery day, so I can stand back up tomorrow stronger. fighting in solidarity with the incredible woman standing across from me instead of against her.

we aren’t made perfect. we aren’t made to live on a constant life high. we were made to be just as we are. we are not just intelligent beings, but we are emotional ones too. we have to give ourselves the grace to feel whatever is moving through us or getting back up will never get easier.

it’s okay to not know what to do. it’s okay to feel lost. it’s okay to take time to figure it out. and on those extra hard days, when facing yourself and everyone around you feels impossible, it’s okay to not do a thing.

we don’t stay here forever, but some days, it’s okay.

love always,

            Riss

12 life tips you forgot you needed (part 3)

6. justification is another word for excuses

if you want to meet a professional justifier:

hi, I’m Marissa, a professional justifier and excuse maker.

I want to talk about travel for a minute. I love travel. as a matter of fact, I love travel so much, I would do it full time for a living if I could! but for too long, I have given myself all the reasons why I can’t possibly do that.

let’s see: I have cats (can’t leave them). I don’t have the financial support. I need to be able to pay my bills. travel is expensive. I will get there some day. It’s just not my time yet. I have other things I have to take care of first. I don’t want to let that person down. and if I sat here long enough, I could come up with at least ten more excuses for why I can’t travel right now.

what I know about all of this - it’s absolute crap! ridiculous, absurd, and totally unreasonable crap. these are all things I have told myself because somewhere in me, as much as I want the traveler lifestyle, there is a piece of me, saying that I am not capable or deserving of it; so I won’t ever have it.

and these excuses are not limited. the other day I finally put together the start of my inspiration/manifestation board. I had been putting it off  because I was afraid to see the potential of what I could have in life. I was afraid I didn’t deserve the things I wanted and just because I put them on a board doesn’t mean they come true. how is that possible?

and then I hear my life coach, echoing in my head, telling me to stop thinking about how and to just do. so, the other day, that’s what I did. I didn’t worry about how I was going to afford the time off for two trips this year, I just know it’ll work out. I didn’t know how I was going to start a shop on my website, but I started looking into it anyway. I didn’t know how I could love myself the way other people do, so I just said I love you anyway.

I want to blog/write, to travel, and to connect with other people. that is what I want in life. I want to spread love and share love and for too long I have sat in my justifications and excuses asking how rather than taking action to see if it works. and if it doesn’t work – that’s fine! I sidestep and try something different. so I challenge you to do the same. take action and try. the worst you can do is learn something new!

now I want to move into the relationship side of this justifying bullshit because I know we have all been there.

in my last relationship, I justified everything. I said ‘well he had a hard upbringing so he doesn’t know any better.’ I said ‘no one has given him a chance to learn.’ I said ‘no one else gave him love.’ I said ‘he’s trying.’ I said ‘but he loves me.’ I said ‘he’s right.’ I said ‘I just can’t remember right.’ I said ‘he see’s things that I can’t.’ I said ‘you’re right, she’s not a good friend.’ I said ‘we’ve been doing better.’ I said ‘he’s just not ready yet.’

I made so many excuses for this man (and honestly a lot of other people in my life). I justified his actions to other people and then I went beyond that.

I remember one conversation I had with my best friend. Lauren and I hadn’t talked in a while. we had been airing on the side of distant friends for years and I was willing to let the friendship just fade with time, but then she expressed concern about my current relationship.

I had talked to another mutual friend (and out of the respect and love I have for her, I’m leaving her name out. she is a gem and I adore her regardless of moments like this) and shared some feelings and thoughts about my relationship with her. this friend went on to tell Lauren she was concerned that there may be some abuse. since this friend had been through her own traumatic relationship, she might not have been able to see the signs, but she could certainly feel them through my words. she didn’t need to know everything to see what was happening.

Lauren’s separation and distance came from a place of concern and trying to protect herself and I commend her for that. she was also worried about me. so when the topic of Joshua came up, she mentioned what she had heard and expressed her worry. my instant response was to defend, excuse and tell her how amazing he had been, how supportive he was, and how loving he was.

I over-explained his actions. it was like I needed to fix this image others had of him. I needed people in my life to understand that we were good and how good he was. I needed to protect him in order to protect myself.

the backfire was that I went too far. no one bought it. rightfully so. the honest truth was I was trying to justify the relationship for myself. if I could convince others this was real love, maybe I could convince myself too. the last thing I wanted was to admit I was wrong and I was hurting. I was committed to the words I had said. the shame of allowing myself to be in a relationship that was damaging held me frozen in a space I couldn’t get out of.

here's what I learned though: it doesn’t matter if you decide to change your mind about someone or something. it is totally okay to take a step back and admit that maybe you are wrong. if you believe in yourself, these moments will be humbling and the honesty will light you up like the sun in a clear blue sky. beyond that, they might just be the saving grace you need.

I’m not afraid to admit when I’m wrong anymore. I’m totally okay with being human. It’s knowing the line between understanding others and respecting ourselves that will eliminate the justifications and excuses to become humbled honest ass-bitches beyond anything anyone has ever seen. go shine your light babes, you know what’s true and it’s okay to be wrong sometimes.

5. live life for others

I have gone back and forth on this one for as long as I can remember. some days I’m like we live life for other people so that the world is better.

and other days I think how the hell do I make the world better for others if I don’t live for myself first?

let me spew to you the conclusion I have come to.

you know those days when you wake up and your will to get out of bed is almost unfathomable? like it would hurt to physically move because something happening inside your mind is telling you you’re basically worthless today? those are the days we get out of bed because we have to go to work, because we can’t let other people down. because we have a job to do and people to serve. it doesn’t feel good and sometimes the lack of motivation actually hinders our interactions.

let’s flip this though. think about the days, that you wake up and it’s like the gods shined down on you with this radiant energy that make you pretty much unstoppable. it has you feeling like you can tackle the world and any problem and it’s just going to be a great day. your motivation multiplies like mice and you probably have one of the best days.

I know I’m not alone in this. I know we have all had both of these mornings. and then we have had the mornings in between, where it’s just another day.

what does any of this have to do with living for others though?

all of these different types of days are 100% still living for other people. we may need to take care of ourselves or find some level of self-care in the day, but we are still living to serve others.

so my conclusion is that we have to love ourselves first. that way we have love to give to other people. and honestly sometimes it’s far easier to give love to others than it is to ourselves. but people will feel that radiance from you far more if you start with you.

I believe we are put here for other people. we are put here to impact the world positively in some way. everyone has a different way, a different purpose. you are a gift to others, and it is your job to share that with other people.

what keeps me going every morning, what has helped to kill the depression that sometimes lingers inside, is my will to give. my will to wake up and go serve. my will to help and be comfort to people.

I hope you find some level of comfort in knowing that by giving to others every single day, you will be giving yourself more back in return than if you only ever give to yourself.

so go do something nice for another person today. pay it forward simply because it’s a nice thing to do. offer someone a hug. offer to take someone’s photo. off an ear. buy someone lunch. make someone a card. challenge yourself to make another person feel seen and then watch as your heart starts to glow. it’s a beautiful thing and I’m excited for you.

contact me and tell me how you lived for other people today and how that made a difference for you!

12 life tips you forgot you needed (part 2)

part 2 was supposed to be comprised of another four very important lessons I would make sure to share with my younger self. however as I started pouring my heart out into the first two of this section, I couldn’t fit four. so, in this week’s lesson’s you forgot you needed I present you with 8 and 7! Enjoy!

8. no may just be the best thing you’ve ever heard

I will be the first to tell you that I might have once hated this word. not for any reason other than I hate being told no and I’m kind of sh*t at using this word. from the time I could talk until my teen years I was rather great at it (with family at least). when I started to develop protective measures in my life, I became a yes (wo)man. I found the justification in everything for everyone else but myself.

but this word…

there is so much to say in these two letters saddled side by side. it can be the difference between life and death. the difference between acceptance and rejection. it can be quiet or it can be loud. it can be a safe haven and key to freedom. it can change the trajectory of your life if you learn to master this word.

no comes in two forms: speaking and receiving.

I was just rejected from a job I really wanted. I thought I had it in the bag. I thought getting a second part interview was a huge indicator that this was going to be it. the job that was going to change parts of my life I have been looking to change. when I got my rejection letter, I was upset. instant acceptance that nothing will work out (except I also knew that was a lie and it wasn’t the right job for me right now). that doesn’t deter from the pain I felt for those brief moments.

a certain level of shame came with this moment for me. I had told so many people about it. expressed my hope in it. wrote down every day that it was my job. so to receive that email and know this wasn’t going to be it sent me backwards a few steps. the first bit had to do with knowing that I was going to have to tell everyone I had told about it that it wasn’t me. that may have been the worst part. I could handle it on my own but not letting down others. until I accepted I just needed to own it. it wasn’t the right job. and deep down I knew that too. that’s why it didn’t work out.

when receiving this simple word to something you really wanted: whether it’s a job, a new toy, a raise or promotion, a hug and kiss, or any of the many other things in life we can be told no to, it’s how we choose to receive it that makes the difference. acceptance is the first step and then there is no where to go but up from there.

then there is using the word yourself.

someone asks you to get them coffee and you say no. someone asks you to compromise your standards and you say no. someone asks you to meet up and you say no. this word holds a lot of weight. the way we present it back to others, can make the biggest difference.

when we are young, it is so easy to throw this word around – mostly with those closest to us. as we age though, I, myself, have turned into the pleasingest of people pleasers (yes you can add that word to your dictionary). finding it difficult to say no for fear of missing out, hurting someone else’s feelings, letting others down. nothing about it never feels easy, but I have come to realize how that hurts me.

realizing that the word no can protect you from compromising your life and values often builds the respect others have for you. it may not be prominent at first, but I guarantee it will come back as bigger blessings.

when we say no to one thing, we open opportunity for other things. we have to be careful about what we choose to say yes to, because that is the energy and possibility we let into our life. it doesn’t mean we can’t change or reroute the results (results are always changing) but it does mean we will be walking down a trail we most likely didn’t intend on taking in that moment.

a lot of it has to do with knowing yourself. knowing who you are. knowing what you want. knowing what is okay for you in your life and what is not. the word no is a power tool for you and one of the most dangerous weapons for those that embrace themselves and know themselves.

this is an ever-evolving process. for the rest of your life you will be getting to know yourself. but if you haven’t done that in awhile. if you haven’t taken the time to get to know you, I encourage you to go do it. to find out who you are and what you like and what is important to you so that you can inspire those around you to hold themselves to higher standards. to become people that aren’t afraid of two simple letters:

n. o.

7. fear is your biggest enemy and your greatest strength

baby birds learn to fly when they jump out of their nest. if they fall, they are abandoned by their parent. hey, that’s survival of the fittest for you. if a bird is too afraid to jump on that fateful flight day, mom will leave them behind. it’s move or be killed. that’s not to say that little bird can’t still go for it, but they will be on their own if they do. soaring into a world with zero guidance. that’s scary. maybe scarier than being killed by whatever rabid animal lays waiting on the ground.

sometimes we get stuck and locked in place by fear. I will be the first to put my hand in the air and scream ‘all the freaking time’. if I’m about to do something new and exciting (or nerve-wracking, although these are technically the same feeling), I get this burning feeling in the bottom of my stomach that sort of makes me feel like I want to throw up. my heart beats in my ears. my face goes from a nice tan to instant Rudolph red. and then I usually have to pee a lot.

these feelings come when I am doing the thing I fear. but that isn’t the worst feeling. it’s the feeling before I take action that stunts, hinders, and freezes me.

when I went to launch my website, for months I had been terrified. terrified of taking action to sit down and build something that is my own because of the fear of what others will think of me. how they will judge my life. my experience. me.

I grew up in a school environment where I never felt like I fit in. I was the kid that ate in the counseling center because I felt more comfortable at a table with a couple people than in a room with a lot of other people who were loud and not afraid to be themselves. or so afraid to be themselves that was their response system was loud and boisterous. in fact, I limited myself so much in high school that I couldn’t talk to boys. this came from my trauma with the only man who had been in my life. I was one of the most awkward people I knew. I didn’t feel like I fit into any group or clique of people. I felt like this bystander. so when I did choose to put myself out there, it was terrifying.

I took an acting class in high school and did a couple monologues that were rather grotesque and maybe a little more adult than I was ready for. one was this Lily Tomlin monologue of a homeless woman. she was far older than I really could have been to play this character, but something about it spoke to me. I got to be a little crazy. I got to be silly. I got to let a little bit of me out. it was the one place I could. and I was actually recognized for it.

the next monologue I explicitly remember was some random one I found online with this girl who shat her pants on a date or something. this should have been humiliating. and when my teacher asked if I was sure this was what I wanted to do, I told her yes. looking back, I realize she may have been trying to protect me from the passive abusive words of other high school students, but I’m proud of that younger version of me to stick to her guns and keep going with something she was so sure about. I performed my heart out in that monologue, made a room of people I had been in school with for four years laugh hysterically, and felt really good about myself by the end.

the last one was an assignment. we were to write our own monologues. I took myself back to a place where I was just twelve years old and my dad was leaving for the first time that I knew of. this monologue was heartbreaking because it was true. it was my thoughts and my feelings. it was my pain and hurt. it was my truth and my experience. not everyone in the room may have known that, but there were a few people who did. as I stood up, with shaking courage to perform, I sobbed through nearly the whole thing. we’ll call it a therapeutic experience. when I finished, the room was silent. I let that room of people feel a weight they hadn’t been expecting and again, I opened up a part of myself that I had been hiding away.

I look back at that girl, and I am so proud. because as afraid as that girl was, she was also fearless. in moments of what could have been embarrassment and shame, she owned her choices and decisions and she just did. she stopped caring for those few minutes and made moments that would last forever for her.

today, I struggle to find that piece of me at times. I struggle to really just do without thinking everything out first. it’s the thinking everything out piece that stops me from completing and finishing (or starting) the tasks and projects I want to do and accomplish.

if you have been in this place. if you have been sitting in this place of fear to do something you have wanted to do for far too long. or say something you have been aching to say. if you have let the projection of your own judgment onto other people toward yourself dictate your life, take a breath. hold your own hand. tell yourself it’s okay. and then just do it. don’t think, just do.

fear can’t stop you if you lean into it. fear can’t stop you if you make the active choice to be brave. fear can’t stop you if you walk forward as yourself. fear will not limit you. not anymore. and when it does, offer yourself kindness and grace because you are worthy of that and much, much more.

Love Always,

Riss

12 life tips you forgot you needed (part 1)

the last few weeks have been a roller coaster of ups and downs - what am I saying, that has been my entire life. I guess it’s a good thing I like roller coasters because otherwise, this would be terrible. however I have learned a lot through my short 29 years on this earth that I am so incredibly blessed with. so in today’s episode of my heart on a page, you’ll find unwarranted advice that you simply didn’t know you needed (or maybe needed a little reminder of). I know I certainly did.

this post will be broken up into 3 pieces so keep your eye out for the next 3 blog posts I have for you, and me, and anyone else who needs, wants, or you insist must hear it. and these are in no particular order because I believe they are all equally important depending on the season of life I am in. so take them as they apply to you!

12. build yourself a damn morning routine

            too all my people that love and hate routine at the same time (enter younger version of my conflicted self here) – I get it. you want the life that allows you to be free and open. to live a life of adventure with a certain amount of chaos sprinkled on the side. yet you also want that life that has some level of consistency to keep you grounded. if this isn’t you, that’s great because I’m sure this will still help no matter what your lifestyle is.

            first of all, if you already have a morning routine (insert round of applause) I have multiple questions – how long did it take for you to create one for yourself? do you ever get bored in your routine? do you feel like your day is more successful since you’ve made it consistent? (email me! I really do want to know!)

            for everyone else. I’m not going to tell you what to do, (also because I’m sure you’ve heard some of this before) but I’ll tell you what I have learned from my experience. over the years I have learned a lot about how having a morning routine makes me feel successful at the beginning of the day which creates higher levels of productivity. I have always teetered on some edge of consistency whether it be a shower, smoothie, or exercise. but over time I had to realize that based on my work start time, this isn’t always realistic.

            if I were to get up before work and workout today, I would be up at 3 in the morning! 4, I’m okay with, but I don’t have the wherewithal to go to bed at 7:30 every night.

            last summer I did a workshop that challenged participants to create a solid morning routine. ya’ll, I took this on and then some. I wanted to get up, meditate, do my gratitude’s, journal, do core exercises, foam roll, have lemon ginger tea and then I could do the rest of my day. that is a lot to do in an hour! that also doesn’t include physically getting myself dressed and personal hygiene. I had the intention to tackle a lot and it wasn’t manageable so it didn’t stick and I wound up feeling more discouraged than before.

            I ended up taking a break from my routine which allowed me the chance to figure out what is important to me or necessary for me at the start of my day to make me feel successful rather than overwhelmed.

            the only things I make the intention to do now are make my bed, meditate for ten minutes, and do my morning gratitude journal. some days, I don’t get to them all and that is okay! I’ve accepted my humanness to not be perfect.

my challenge to you, if you haven’t started this, pick one thing to add to your morning! just one. then once you’ve mastered that add a second. get up to three solidified in your morning routine. if you want to add more get yourself a nice rotating schedule of daily habits that no matter which of those you complete or have time for, you have already accomplished so much!

11. you best be grateful or else you be a fool

            several years ago, I put myself through a codependency program because I thought there was a lot wrong with me (thank you toxic relationships). and while I don’t classify myself as codependent rather a human being who sometimes has codependent qualities that I’m working on, I learned a lot.

            this program didn’t require it, but it encouraged doing daily gratitude’s. so, I bought myself a cute journal and made it my gratitude journal. (yes, cliché, I don’t care.) it seriously does help. at least for me and everyone else I know that has stuck to or been able to verbally acknowledge the things in life they are grateful for. and yes, I’m sure you have heard this many times before as well! I am not the first person to say this.

            finding gratitude in even the little things will change not just your day to day but your entire outlook on life.

let’s take a trip down memory lane - when I was thirteen, had they not found the tumor cutting off the circulation in my body, I could have been paralyzed. thankfully, that was not the case for me and I was able to recover fully. still, I had to relearn how to walk, dress myself, go to the bathroom by myself. I had to relearn how to physically function as a capable human being.

            some of the things that go in my journal are simply being grateful for waking up in the morning. being able to walk. being able to dress myself. being alive. I tell people that it is a great day every day that I wake up! currently I am following a journal that takes me through my days priorities, things I’m thankful for, gives me (sometimes rather sassy) quotes, and a win that I had the day before. then there is a check-in for me at the end of the day so I can circle back around.

            you guys! again, if you are not doing this, I seriously encourage you to. the world is going to start looking a whole lot different once you start acknowledging the small things in life that I know you already appreciate.

            so, to you and the twenty-year-old me – be more grateful damn it! it’s a beautiful life no matter the circumstances. you woke up and that makes it another day - another opportunity to change the world!

10. you’re allowed to feel two emotions at the same time

            this one is compliments of my friend Jess. I don’t know about you, but I sometimes feel conflicted when I’m let down by someone but understand their side at the same time…

there have been times in my life where I have struggled with two conflicting emotions. almost as if they are battling each other out. one screaming ‘but they let you down and that hurt!’ the other shouting back ‘but we understand their perspective and the situation.’

in life, not everything is going to go as planned. mistakes are going to happen, and yes, we will be disappointed by people and situations. that is a part of life. I was never taught that it’s okay to be empathetic with someone else but also be able to express my feelings about why I feel the way I do about it. (without placing blame! important people.) so I had to learn.

I’ve been on a few dates in the last couple months with a guy I really like. we had a date planned for the movies and he just so happened to take a nap a beforehand and slept a little longer than planned. I felt so conflicted inside because I could tell he felt bad about it and I understood he didn’t mean for it to happen. it didn’t take the disappointment away from something that I was really excited about though. someone I was excited about for the first time in a long time.

            my internal emotions were in straight collision with each other flying back and forth. and let me tell you, I was confused. I wanted to be upset but didn’t feel like I could be.

            that is until I had a conversation with Jess and she said ‘you can be disappointed and also be sympathetic.’ I can acknowledge what it brings up related to my own issues and insecurities and also sympathize with a mistake. with the stress of knowing I have somewhere to be right now and I’m definitely late. (that may be one of the top 10 worst feelings. the sheer anxiety and panic that sets in the body and knowing that all I can do is wait and be patient.) I totally understood what happened, that it was an accident, and how he felt.

            but I couldn’t disregard my own either. before Jess gave me that piece of advice, I thought I either felt my own feelings and was a b*tch for it or totally understood anyone else and disregarded my own. if you replace the word or with and, it changes everything.

this goes beyond romantic relationships. it applies to friendships and families. it works situationally. it could be the bagel you were excited about but they accidentally burned because they were slammed. it could be the weather on your birthday – planning a party for sun but it rains. not getting the job you wanted simply because it wasn’t the right fit or not getting an invitation to that friend’s party you desperately thought you would be invited to.

all of these invoke hurt in some way shape or form. and to that I say, it’s okay for you to feel two different things at the same time! embrace your own emotions and as long as the situation calls for it, you can understand theirs too.

9. let your friends support you (unless your friends suck, then get new friends)

            this is a big one. okay I have always been blessed with great friends. over the years, I have run in circles with inconsistent friends and friends who I’ve fallen out of friendship with and then back into friendship with. I have had friends who I can totally rely on and others that I can’t. I have had friends that were a temporary part of my life and friends that have stuck by me for decades. in each phase of my life I have had people that I love. my point is have friends! but then there is the support that comes with it.

            it can be so hard to rely on the people closest to you. there might be times when you can totally depend on them and there might be times when there is a fear to tell them anything. if they are good friends, not only will they support you, but they will also be honest with you.

            the other day I had a conversation with Jess (she really is so wise) and she set me back in check on a situation I was mentally struggling with. she was honest with me, but listened to me. she helped me see a different side of things. she brought me back down to earth while my head was busy trying to float away.

            so here we are, realizing that when I can’t be the adult in my own life, I have someone that can be. who isn’t going to just side with me but be brutally honest. we help keep each other accountable in the best way.

            when I was in Maine, I had a few friends here and there. but never enough and never any that stuck (due to some rather unfortunate circumstances). when I moved to San Diego, it became a priority that I needed a circle of people I could rely on. never again would the sole man in my life be the only person in my life.

            if you don’t have that group. if you find yourself struggling sometimes because you’re an introverted person (hi, also me sometimes), there are people out there for you who can be your confidant and who you don’t need to see every day or even every week. if you are super extroverted and struggling to find those people- they also exist. men, I can’t totally help you, but ladies, I have met some of my best friends off of bumble bff’s. so I would encourage you to look there if you don’t know where to start.

            having these people in your life is so incredibly important. we are social beings. we are not meant to live a recluse lifestyle. we need people and guess what, people need you too!

there are so many lessons in life to learn and these only touch the tip of the iceburg! how exciting is it we get to keep on learning? if there are any lessons or pieces of advice you would want others to know, email in to lovealway.me.love@gmail.com

love always,

Riss

everything might just be okay

yes, you heard it here first!… or second… or maybe more… regardless, I’m saying it, everything might just be okay. actually, everything will be okay. even when it doesn’t feel like it.

I have this belief. this belief that there is a shift in the universe saying ‘look, you were getting too comfortable and it’s time to change things up. it’s time to learn a new lessons. it’s time to get a little bolder. it’s time to find a little passion again. it’s time to get off your ass and do something bigger and better than yesterday.’

like most people, I have also struggled. there have been days when my ability to reach new heights is just not there or seems nearly impossible.

the other day for example, I was feeling so low in myself I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t get myself to write or read or get out of bed. some may call it depression, I call it getting stuck in my head. but you know that feeling when you are so overwhelmed by all the thoughts in your head that if you don’t get up and do something, or write them down or scream them out- you feel like you will explode? that feeling finally came to me.

I was exhausted and getting ready for bed and all of the angst caught up to me. it needed out. I was stuck because I stopped prioritizing my needs. so I figured I would stand at my computer and I would write whatever came out of my head and heart. let me tell you, she was mad. and annoyed. and ashamed. and embarrassed. and frustrated.

ya’ll I had been letting all of these feelings just sit inside me! like what? why do we do this to ourselves. it’s a rather aggressive journal entry but I want to share a part of it with you:

 

I didn’t write today or yesterday and I feel bad about myself for it. I’m struggling right now. I’m stressed and frustrated and struggling. I’m stressed that I still have a shitty relationship with money. That I haven’t been able to find a job. That I feel passionate about nothing. I’m frustrated that I’m alone and that even though I have amazing friends I’m still the last one single. It’s starting to make me feel like what’s wrong with me? Do I give off bad energy? Am I too rude and stubborn. Have I been too guarded…

I am very self-conscious of my financial situation. I want to have my own business and make a lot of money and be able to provide for myself. I want all of those things I want to be confident in my own skin and not feel insecure every time I take my shirt off. I am so frustrated. What am I doing wrong? I reflect and meditate and try to be a good person. I know where my weaknesses are and I’m working on them but it’s like I’m so closed off. Like I don’t know how to have fun anymore...

I feel awful right now. I’m disappointed in my body. I’m mad that my back is getting worse and nothing I do is making it better. I’m mad that I’m going to have to live with this for the rest of my life. I’m mad that I don’t have the life I want. I’m mad that I rely on my parents for support still. I’m mad that I feel unlovable. I’m mad that I let a stupid boy break my heart and hurt me. I’m mad that I allowed myself to become an entirely different person because of it. I’m mad that I can’t open up to people. I’m mad that I share my heart online just to try and make something of myself even though internally I don’t believe it’s going anywhere. I’m mad that I’ve thrown my schedule off. I’m mad that I can’t enjoy time out without thinking about the way I spend. I’m mad that I don’t have money for groceries. I’m mad that I am me. I’m so mad…

And I’m ashamed. I am ashamed that at 29 years old, I have no career, I have no direction, I have essentially no job. And because of that I’m embarrassed. Like who is going to want me with the current lifestyle I live. I went from being independent and striving to stuck in a box and living in a damn bubble. Afraid to take on more work for fear it’ll take away my ability to socialize…

And sometimes I do want to die. Sometimes I want to disappear so that I don’t have to feel all these emotions over and over again. It gets so exhausting trying to keep myself happy and trying to stay in a place where I can be certain with myself instead of constantly breaking myself down. I deserve more. I deserve to treat myself better. I deserve success and love and happiness. I deserve my own home and I deserve to have my own family. I deserve to make a fuck ton of money so that I can give to other people. I deserve to live a better life. I deserve this. I deserve all of this and more. What is this block? why do I have such a hard time getting around it? Why do I get so stuck? How do I change things. I want to know. I want the change, I want the shift. I want more. And I know no one can do it but me, but this one link is missing and most days I struggle to keep it together…

I want this year to be more than it has been in my past. I want to find the most success. I do not want to settle for less on any front. I want nothing but peace. I want peace. I want the courage to take chances and be bold. I want to accept the worst and hope for the best. I want more in my life.

(and yes, there was more)

how do we manage to let thoughts like that live inside of us? maybe more importantly, why do we let thoughts like this live inside us?

maybe I’m the only person that feels this way sometimes, but I like to think I’m not alone in at least some of these feelings. otherwise, there you go, welcome to my rather savage mind on occasion (insert awkward laugh here).

I will tell you that as soon as I released all of this emotion onto paper, I felt a lot better. did I cry? you bet your perfectly plump bottom I did. did I sit in a pity puddle from all those tears? oh yeah, definitely. did I eventually decide to stand up and mop it up? (because that’s what makes the difference) – the answer to that question is yes, yes I did!

the next morning during my meditation I decided that I needed to actually listen to my life coach and come up with some power phrases to shift my mentality when my head goes a little sideways. so my current one is … wait for it …

just have fun!

also my ego can go ahead and sit down and be quiet because the things she has to say are brutal. I wouldn’t let anyone talk to me like that so why do I let the voice in my head do it? probably because I’m human, but most likely because a small part of me has found comfort in it. comfort that I’m willing to dispense of and guess what?

I’ve got to take the universe’s hint and start to get uncomfortable again.

so will I always believe everything will be okay? no. there will be days I’ll fight tooth and nail for the painful words to be right. but deep down I’ll know and the truth because I have already accepted it. I might just have to drag it up from the soggy waters, wipe it off, and then let it glow like the luminescent feeling that it is.

so in case you forgot to remind yourself or you are struggling today or that little voice in your head is throwing jabs like you are in a fight you didn’t ask to be in, I want to remind you:

Everything will be okay.

Love always,

Riss

The imPerfect Body

*trigger warning for anyone struggling with eating disorders

*if you or anyone you know is struggling with eating disorders you can call (866)256-3563 for support.

some of what I have written below is unknown to nearly anyone in my life including the therapists I have had over the years - so to the friends and family that have been my support, I love you and am so grateful for everything you have done for me. your support has not gone unnoticed or unappreciated. you have all saved me in more ways than I can count.

this is a moment of pure vulnerability so please read with a kind heart. and if you or anyone you know might benefit from this and knowing you are not alone please share this and please reach out if there is anything I can do to support you.

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For the last twenty years, I have struggled with the idea that my body is not perfect. With that comes the idea that in order for it to be perfect I need to eat a certain way – which is not eating or binging and then purging.

While the adolescent version of me didn’t necessarily pertain to these methods, the young adult version did. I can remember the first time I sat thinking about what I “needed” to do to get my body to where I wanted it to be. How could I possibly attain this level of perfection that I had been envisioning since I was playing with Barbie’s.

Yes, I will say that I wholeheartedly believe Barbie had a huge effect on my mental state, amongst many other things. From growing up in the world of dance to constantly comparing myself to my sisters and friends. Hearing comments about my body from my dad. Never feeling wanted by anyone all through high school. Constantly feeling like even if I did scream, no one would hear and certainly, no one would care was a burden I took to mean I wasn’t beautiful and that’s why no one liked me.

(If I could go back in time I would squeeze that little girl and tell her she is the most beautiful greatest thing on this planet and everything is going to be okay.)

My freshman year of college was when I finally decided to do something about the way I looked. It started by finally getting into the gym. I would get up early and go before class, but it still didn’t do enough for me fast enough. The levels of perfection so carefully carved into my mind felt even further away than before. So… my friend Kristen and I sat down and decided to make a pact….

We would starve ourselves and workout more and we would do it together. Hold each other accountable. Check in with each other. Make sure the slow deterioration of our bodies was happening at a steady state. We weren’t going to do it forever, we just wanted to drop some weight fast. That’s what I told myself anyway.

I truly believed that was the only way that I would be attractive to people. Sometimes I still believe it. It certainly isn’t easy and it can be scary. When friends, male friends to be more specific, started commenting on how good I was looking, it made it easier to keep going. To sit in the dining hall, nursing a water or a small salad because “I wasn’t hungry”. I could feel the fatigue taking a toll though.

Every morning was more difficult than the last to get up. Every morning was like a giant weight holding me down. Every workout was harder and harder and every day I was a little more disappointed in myself.

You know there is part of me that wishes someone had cared enough to ask if I was alright. Not that people didn’t care, but no one was concerned. Which in turn made me feel worse. Realizing that I was so overweight, that when I starved myself to a point of reaching a true healthy weight I finally became more attractive. It confirmed everything I had been telling myself. It was definitive that being unhealthy would make me look healthy. That was all the confirmation I needed to understand that temporary was going to last a lot longer.

As the weeks went on, Kristen and I would talk about how exhausted we were and how that must mean it’s working. Even after our pact died off, I stopped eating as much and when I did, I felt so much guilt and shame I would cry myself to sleep – disgusted. The guilt radiated. It was like this evanescent glow lingering in the background of my mind: dim and worn but strong enough to pull me down. Taunting and teasing me- keeping me locked in the shadows of my own mind. Scared of myself and what I would do next, but ready to keep going anyway.

So when I started eating again and after the guilt had surmounted to an unreasonable amount, that was when I took to the toilet. I’ll be honest, the first time I tried, it did not go well, which ironically, makes that a good thing. With the thought of giving up looming, I dug into the resilient part of me and refused to let one try be the end all be all. So I tried again and you know what? I succeeded.

I started to indulge in the food from Southside Dining Center and would follow it up with a quick trip to the toilet to rid my body of the crap normally referred to as nutrients and sustenance.

I did try to stop. Multiple times. I actually remember one moment very clearly. I had just had sushi with friends and we were back in the dorm lounge. I had this combative conversation running through my mind –

Don’t do it. You know it’s not good for you.

So what? It feels good. Plus you just put a whole lot of fat and grime in your body why wouldn’t you?

Because it isn’t healthy. There are other ways.

None as quick or efficient as this.

I won’t give in.

But you will.

And I did. I sat in front of that toilet for ten minutes before I did anything that night. After puking everything out of my system, I knew I needed to call my mom.

Crying on the phone, I told her what had been going on. She did the right thing. Other than be the most supportive person I could have asked for, she told me I was coming home at the end of the semester and we would figure out what to do when I was back. Therapy was not a choice and in order to go back to school, I had to get things right again. I told no one why I was leaving except for the guy who would later be my first boyfriend. Sounds silly when I say it now, but I was ashamed of what I had allowed to become of myself. Since my self judgement was already heavy, I didn’t want the weight of other people’s thoughts and opinions too.

The funny thing is, I still didn’t achieve the body I wanted. It still wasn’t enough.

I wasn’t enough.

Having family right in the other room should have been some semblance of motivation, them watching out for me, but honestly, it never is because at the end of the day it all comes from inside. It’s my own self-worth that wasn’t measuring up. It was the constant comparisons and lack of emotionally stable parents growing up that led me down this trail of self-deprecating thoughts and actions.

(Of course I don’t blame them anymore. I believe people are just doing the best they can, even when it hurts. Things were what they were and I’m a better person today for all of it. I wouldn’t trade those experiences for the world.)

Jump forward another 10 years and we have reached present day me. The evolution of me has not been perfect and in these continuous blog posts I will continue to let you into the dark moments in my life as well as some of the brightest.

I am still on this journey. I still struggle with my body at times and I do have my bad days. Days when I find myself hovering over a toilet bowl or finding other ways to cleanse my system. It hurts and it is never fun and the wave of guilt that passes over never changes or lessens. It remains prominent and bold. Demanding of attention I do not wish to give it but somehow cater to all the same. Ashamed that no one will love me because I’m still struggling with this.

I wish I could say now I have achieved “perfect”, but this has been one of the biggest lessons in my life around the ideal of perfection:

If we constantly seek perfection, we will never get there. Skinny enough will never be enough. Strong enough will never be strong enough. Smart enough will never be enough. It’ll never be the right time or the right person. Nothing will ever be enough.

So why did I share all of this? Not to bring you down or give you a moment of woe is me, but to share that the continual search for perfection leads nowhere good.

Instead, I have been working on learning how to accept progress and let go of everything else. I don’t have to be perfect, and neither do you. We are human and the only thing that matters is finding love for ourselves in ourselves. This is not easy for a lot of people and I recognize that. All we can do is keep trying, putting one foot in front of the other.

I believe we are all capable of love. I believe we are all capable of loving ourselves for ourselves. Most importantly, I believe that we are destined for more than we will ever be able to give ourselves credit for.

These words do not come lightly. These words are from the bottom of my heart.

You are a gift. You are a gift as you are in this walk of life and in this moment. You will continue to be a gift and no matter what perfection you are struggling to achieve, I will be here to say I love you and you have a friend in me.

Love always is more than loving others, it’s loving ourselves too. Sometimes we just need to hear it first.

Love Always,

Riss

Am I Good Enough?

Photo by Berkan Kucukgal

Am I good enough?

There are moments of doubt that linger in my head and provoke unwarranted thoughts of ‘Am I good enough?’ I spend hours thinking to myself, sometimes too much, about the talent and skills I believe I have. Questioning if success is attainable with them or if my natural talents are useless.

When it boils down to it and when I check through my seven stages of why, I find the desire for my success comes from the fire boiling in the base of my soul, to show my future family they can do anything and make their dreams come to life. My other purpose? To add value to the world. To leave this world greater than I came into it and make a mark that will connect individuals.

So yes! I do question whether I am good enough to do this. Whether my voice deserves to be heard. Whether my writing will speak to anyone or if it will be empty words on a page. And you know what, I question it almost every day, and that is okay.

I believe we all have something in life we are striving toward, big or small. Trying to get that promotion or start that workout routine. Maybe it’s trying to make small shifts to a diet. Maybe it’s practicing saying I love you to more people in your life or taking 60 seconds of silence for yourself every day. It could be so many things, but we are always working toward something. And whether you’ve been working at it for 1 day or 5 years, guess what? That beacon of doubt will come. There will be tests and moments of wondering what the fuck you are doing. It won’t stop. I wish I could tell you that it would.

This is the fun part- learn to validate and empower yourself. Write yourself sticky notes and put them everywhere. Set reminders on your phone. Schedule the time to achieve your goals. Ask your friends or family to remind you that you are doing a great job. Look at these things every single day and watch how those clouds of doubt start to turn into little whisps in the sky.

I am starting to structure my life to find ways out of that spot too! You are not alone, even if it feels like it. And while it isn’t easy, I do it anyway because I don’t want to look back on my life and wonder what if. I don’t want to look back and wish I had. I don’t want to regret a single moment of my life. That’s not in my cards, and that, I am sure of.

I can’t tell you what will make that feeling of doubt evaporate for you because we are all wonderfully different, but I can tell you this:

Keep going and don’t stop if your heart is in it.

Find your passions and live them. Allow them to breathe into your life and build you up.

On those dark cloudy days, where the thunder is booming insecurity after insecurity, telling you:

You can’t or You shouldn’t or You don’t matter or You aren’t enough

Put on your noise-cancelling headphones, walk into the storm, and then proceed to prove yourself right. Proving yourself right will be all the validation you need that you, indeed, are good enough.

Love Always

Riss