What’s Her Name?
Photo by Fernando Rodrigues
The voice in my head. The one that tells me my body doesn’t look right. That says that the food I eat expands my waistband two sizes. The one that shames me when I don’t eat and then guilts me when I do - She is vile. She talks me down when I’m trying to climb up. She is the hand that pushes my head underwater while I’m trying to catch a breath of air. She is relentless in her attempt to ruin my image of myself.
If I’m honest, She has done it. She has accomplished what she set out to do.
Until now.
Her voice is loud and bold. She speaks in security, thinking that I will never escape from the cuffs She locked me in long ago. She is everything I never wanted to be, but all I have become.
Every bite of food is filled with guilt. It tears apart my mental state and has me restricting when all I want to do is eat. Every meal skipped is doused in not just mental pain but physical pain, but if I eat, getting it out is the priority. If I don’t sadness consumes me. It’s become a no-win situation.
This voice in my head is persistent.
This voice is rampant.
This voice has my mind locked in an escape room I can’t seem to riddle my way out of. The worst part is knowing that while I have my whole life ahead of me, time is fleeting.
(I don’t think She knows that includes her.)
Sometimes She gets quiet.
Which is nice.
But I don’t trust Her to be gone for long.
It’s like She is not just sitting in the shadows, silently watching, but She is the shadows. Waiting for me to puzzle my way out of one room so that the next is more difficult. She matches my growth in difficulty. She studies me while I heal, then chips at the glue until I feel ten steps backward.
Her eyes are black holes freckled in pain. Her figure is everything I am not. She glows in rejection and smells of desire. Her hair flows in waves of shame and guilt. Her voice sings out my deepest insecurities. She walks in strides leaving hopelessness behind her for the starved, desperate follower to consume. I see my leash as She leads. Everything She is bleeds off Her in unlimited supplies, dissolving into my energy field which is absorbed and redistributed throughout my mind.
She holds my power over my head and laughs while I try to get it back. Jumping to grab it, while She grows. My attempts to shut Her down, build Her up.
Then there are those moments when I ground into myself, and I find Her getting weak. I stop feeding into Her energy. She hates that, so she goes a little harder. Pushes a little deeper and either uproots my energy or starts to dissolve.
The disillusionment of Her presence leaves a gaping open space in my mind, my soul, and my body. A space I often forget to fill. A space She comes back to because it’s accidentally left open for Her.
She is nameless. She just is. She is the kind of power that exists only in a false reality. A reality that if broken would shatter my view of what I have allowed myself to become and the world I have chosen to live in. And then I wonder which is scarier: Living in a world that doesn’t exist or one where She doesn’t exist.
Love Always,
Riss
Spin and PTSD Featuring My Ex
Perfection is nonexistent. Life is built on a learning curve—the little constructs in everyday life that lead us toward a peaceful life, not a perfect life.
A week ago my work team went to take a spin class. Now, if you know me, you know I do not like spin. It goes beyond spin classes though – I do not like bikes. I don’t like riding them outside. I don’t like the electric kind. I don’t like driving next to people who ride them (I’m sorry if that’s you, it’s not you, it’s the bike…I promise). I do not like cycling at all in any form or any space.
Weird… right?
One of the fundamental things we learn to do when we are growing up is to ride a bike. After my training wheels “magically” fell off my first bike, I got a beautiful two-wheeled bike from Santa. It was purple and had these beautiful shimmering purple tassels hanging off the handlebars. I rode it all the time. I rode it to my best friend's house. I rode it to the park. I rode it in circles around our cul-de-sac. I loved my bike.
I cannot pinpoint for you the exact moment I started to detest bicycles. I can’t even give you a range of time. I don’t know how it happened or when it happened. I know that one day I liked them and then I was in college and I was hiking a bike up a giant hill in Pullman, Washington getting kicked by peddles.
So somewhere in there, I subconsciously decided I didn’t like bikes.
It was that simple.
My furry and frustration toward them is unwarranted and a little unhealthy (if I’m being honest).
Until a few years ago when I was invited to a spin class. Now while I wasn’t thrilled about the workout of choice, I was looking forward to the potential of making new friends.
The girl who invited me was acquainted with my ex. We will call him Crab (because Harry Potter references are fun). She was someone who had known him in the Navy and had reconnected with him only a month or so beforehand. I didn’t know her, but I felt a little threatened.
I’ll tell you now, that I had no reason to be, not because I didn’t trust her, but because I didn’t trust him. That and she was/in a happy committed relationship.
My relationship with Crab was a myriad of ups and downs. Bigger downs than the ups could ever equate to. I had found messages to other women multiple times on his phone that left my already deep-rooted trust issues, grounded even further.
Before you come at me for going through his phone, I was insecure and his behavior was aggressive and off. I could have waited for him to come to me about it, but my anxiety was too high and he never would have. He would have lied to me about it over and over again and then somehow manipulate me into believing something was wrong with me.
I do not condone going through another individual's personal device unless warranted. If it comes down to that, there are most likely other issues that need to be addressed - personal or relationship-wise.
I digress.
This friend of his had invited me to a spin class with her and her sister. I said yes – Open to the idea of getting to know this girl better so that my insecurities about their friendship could subside. On the night of the class, however, Crab and I got into a fight. He was mad at me for saying yes and for even thinking about going to the class with her. He felt threatened that I was going to steal his friend from him.
Yes, his friend. I was not allowed to be friends with her until he decided it was okay.
It was an explosive fight, much like the ones we were having every night. It left me in tears. I was scared I was going to lose him because I was trying to build a relationship and get to know someone he valued as a friend. If I walked out that door, I was risking him leaving, which he had threatened to do…again…
By the time I showed up to the class, I realized I booked the wrong one. I was flustered. I was running a few minutes late. I had been sobbing. I didn’t know anyone. I didn’t know what I was doing. I felt lost and alone.
Fortunately, the woman at the desk helped me to my bike, clipped me in, and got me ready to go.
I made it forty-five minutes through the class. The tenderness from the recent events had me barely holding on. Between the music, the tempo, the volume, and the people the room started to feel small. I could feel the walls closing in around me. My head was spinning more than my legs. My breath was aching for air, desperate to bring life back into my body. My eyes were struggling to hold back the fountain of tears slowly leaking through.
I remember trying to get myself off the bike feeling stuck, with my shoes clipped and locked into the peddles. I ended up unstrapping my feet and getting off. I hustled past the girl at the desk, stopping for just long enough to inform her the shoes were still in the clips. Concern was all I saw in her eyes while a flood of tears fell down my pink, sweaty face. I was embarrassed. I was hurt. I was sad. I was scared.
That was my first spin class.
A heartbreaking moment in my life. A genuine moment in my life. A moment of learning. A moment built in love and sadness.
So when my team went to do, what we call ‘team sweats’, at a local spin studio, I made it thirty minutes before the room started closing in on me, compressing everything in my head and chest.
It’s been two years since that relationship ended, and the effects have lived on.
It doesn’t feel good to admit because I have worked so hard to move through the pain of that relationship. The hurt that came with it. I have worked to make myself better for my faults and my wrongdoings as much as I have worked to let go of the hurtful words, thoughts, and opinions that I started to believe were true.
And still, I have days when moments like that come flooding back in vivid memory, pulling me back to a moment in time that is no longer now.
So, I had a PTSD moment.
The most important thing I did though, was feel. I felt it all. I cried. I did not finish the class to prove to myself I could. I did not worry about what anyone else would think. Instead, I let it move through me.
I was blessed to have a friend who came outside to support me and remind me that these are my feelings and Crab doesn’t get to hold power in my life anymore. I didn’t grow because of him, I grew because I chose to.
Healing takes time. Trauma lives in the body and the smallest thing can set off a memory. Next time you find yourself reliving a painful moment, know that you are not alone. Give yourself space to self-soothe. To cry. To scream. To run. To do whatever you need to do to release that moment and bring the power back to you. These moments are real and they live on and that’s okay.
Love Always,
Riss
Bulimia Nervosa
*trigger warning for anyone struggling with eating disorders
*if you or anyone you know is struggling with eating disorders you can call (866)256-3563 for support.
Imagine standing at the helm of a ship: the sun kissing your skin and the mist of the water balancing the sun’s kiss. The breeze dancing through your hair, wrapping your clothes tighter to your body. Allowing the salty air to caress your nose and sink into your pores.
Take a moment to feel that. To embrace that. To hear the waves and feel the sensations.
Then out of nowhere, it shifts.
The sun falls behind a massive dark cloud. That moment of bliss is ripped from you before you have time to process what is happening.
Rain pelts your skin, washing away the salt, and soaking your body in an unforgiving moment. The waves rock the boat in a series of violent strokes, giving you barely a second to catch yourself before you fall off the front of the ship. Nausea gurgles in the base of your stomach and before you can stop it you feel the remnants of everything good in your body being released.
The sensation is gut-wrenching and heartbreaking.
And this is how I would describe those moments when I find myself seated in front of a toilet. Battling for a mind of clarity while the dark clouds hover and settle in.
My experience with eating disorders has been maybe one of the longest relationships I have had (insert uncomfortable laughter here.)
When I reach a point where it feels like the boat is just uncontrollably rocking, pulling me backward 100 steps from the progress I have made, I feel the physical shift in my mentality.
It’s weird. I can recognize when it is happening and feel the spiral start. I watch myself being pulled into this whirlpool. I can see myself clawing at the water to get out of it, but you can't hold water. It doesn’t offer a way to grip and hold onto. It only offers a pull downwards. It sucks you in backward and there is nothing you can do.
Sometimes, and very rarely, I can pause the inevitable. Somehow it always circles back around though. It’s mental gymnastics and that shit gets exhausting. It’s always followed by tears. A moment staring at the girl in the mirror wondering how she got here. Unsure who she even is which makes her feel even more alone. Makes her feel unseen. Makes her invisible.
I won’t tell you this happens frequently. It doesn’t anymore. But when it does, the girl with the smile on the exterior is wearing a mask nearly impenetrable except by those who know her best. Even then, she has become a master at hiding her pain from them too.
Bulimia affects about 1.5% of US females and .5% of men at some point in their life (https://americanaddictioncenters.org/bulimia-treatment). The risks and the physical deterioration that happens in the body range from tooth decay, esophagus rupture, heart damage, prolonged sore throats, and more.
I know all this information. I have read and researched and reached for more knowledge surrounding this topic. I have worked to understand why I do this thing and where it comes from. I have discussed it in therapy. I have tried to comprehend why my self-image is so distorted. Tried to relate and associate what in my life brings it to the forefront.
Yet… I still find myself staring into the hole of a toilet bowl from time to time. My version of escape.
The process makes no sense but it is there. It happens.
Eating disorders affect at least 9% of the population (https://anad.org/eating-disorders-statistics/). Unfortunately, the ability for people to talk about or engage in conversation about them is typically laughed off out of a place of sincere discomfort.
I don’t shy away from this issue that I deal with on a daily basis – whether it’s a mental fight or physical action – one way or the other.
I wonder sometimes what difference it would make if we could talk about it. Discuss this topic more. Bring it to the attention of those around us. Turn the conversation to places of understanding, appropriate questions, and how to broach the subject or address concerns.
Whether you find yourself relating to my specific struggle or you are dealing with a struggle of another kind, I want you to know I love you. I know it’s hard, really hard some days. You are worth more than those thoughts in your head. Those voices screaming. On the days you need a voice to scream back because yours is suddenly gone or distorted:
I’ve got you.
The body is the vessel that holds more than just your food - it holds your soul and you my friend, are far more than your body.
Love always,
Riss
To Be a Healer
My obnoxious positivity rains down on other people like the after showers of fireworks on the 4th of July. I can decorate people in ribbons and flowers, and make them the prime float in a parade made solely for them. One that shines and pulls in spectators within fifty feet. I can make them glow and remind them of their worth and value, even for a moment.
My silence offers freedom for their thoughts to reverberate into the universe. Every word stopped at my ears’ touch. Allowing their feelings, big or small (always relevant) to enter into a space that holds no echo. And the heat of their secrets burns delicately on my skin sending back warmth and safety.
This is the gift of a healer. A listener. A responder. This is a gift given to others free of charge.
And when my body and ears become fully soaked in the release from others, I take on the responsibility that is not mine. Discerning what belongs to me, and what has leeched itself to my soul. Blending with the oil on my skin, seeping into my blood until what is mine and theirs becomes solely mine.
The emotion-weighted vest that drapes over my shoulders feels impossible to shake off.
While I try to give back to myself, I realize the healer within has given and offered too much to others. Forgotten about healing herself. And now the cost is too high.
Free of charge is the minimum, my life is the maximum. The balance is a cost, and yet still worth every penny.
Warning Signs
Fact: love is blind. If you say otherwise, you haven’t been in an unhealthy relationship (and I’m incredibly grateful you haven’t had to experience that!). I’m not talking about Nick and Vanessa Lachey’s social experiment. I’m talking about real nitty gritty tough relationships that teach you a thing or two about yourself. That love is blinding. Like a car in the night with high beams right in your face. That’s what I mean.
We have this innate ability to gloss over what other people notice because we are too busy basking in the glory of who this wonderful person has made themselves out to be. That is until it’s just the two of you and then the mood shifts. The lights dim and the person that was shining is now barely visible. The darkness they bring makes us question our sanity and our reality. The pretty words whispered in the dark and mental manipulation have us stuck, unable to speak honestly to friends and family because we committed to this. Because we said yes. Because we convinced ourselves that everything has to be all right and we’ve made sure everyone else thinks that way too.
The truth is, our friends and family may know already. They may have already addressed this with us. They may have already seen the shift and change in our demeanor, our words, and our actions. and they recognize that this isn’t a healthy change because they know us better than we wish they did at this particular moment in time.
By the time the warning signs are clear to us, it feels too late. it feels like being stuck inside some demented dream where as hard as you try, waking up doesn’t seem to be an option. Instead of admitting to everyone else (who would welcome us back with open arms) and ourselves (the admittedly harder of the two) that we were wrong, we lock the shackles ourselves and toss the key across the room.
There are a lot of toxic people in this world, and I don’t necessarily blame them to an extent... we as a society are not (generally) taught how to feel, communicate, and live healthy emotional, responsive lives. Especially if you grew up in an unhealthy environment it means your entire learning experience was built in a state of emotional instability fostered by a severe lack of self-awareness. How would you know where to even begin? How would you know if you’re even doing anything wrong?
Truth: you probably wouldn’t. The knee-jerk reaction to defend yourself when someone approaches you about their feelings as a result of something you did is instinctual, a survival mechanism that continues the cycle of toxicity within your behaviors as well as the relationships you enter into.
Relationships can be amazing for growth – someone comes in and shows us a mirror to expose all the toxic traits we exhibit and is like ‘Wake up mother fucker, you got shit to fix.’
And in reality…healthy or not, we all have things to keep working on and fix. Life is a constant adjustment period
Because in my life experience (in which I have only had the pleasure of experiencing the two most dramatic ends of the spectrum), I believe this can go one of two ways: one partner says ‘Oh yeah, you’re right. let me have a closer look at that mirror. it’s time to make some changes,’ while the other throws themselves a nice pity party and hunkers into a doomsday bunker like the whole world is out to get them. Then they get so comfortable in there that the thought of getting out wouldn’t just be the end of the world, but the end of everything they’ve ever known. Then they would have to admit that they are kind of a shitty person and look themselves in the face… and that’s a scary thought.
I’m going to be real here: at the end of the day, we have all been a shitty person to someone or about something to some degree. Even if you are the best person in the world, you’ve had to learn and grow in some capacity. The difference is choosing self-awareness vs. choosing to stay stagnant. Sometimes that is what friends are for.
While I have slightly digressed, no one deserves this treatment. If you have been fighting tooth and nail to grow and be a better person every single day in a tough relationship, you have most likely outgrown your partner. Listen to those closest to you. Hear them out.
I cannot say enough how important friends are. They are a solid reason for support because they will see the waiving red flags long before you do. Especially if you are, like me, easily swayed by pretty words and attention from any man who might be willing to give it to you for five minutes. (Yes, I realize that might sound a little pathetic, but it’s true! I’m here to own it and also am 100% working on it.)
My point is that your circle of friends is going to know you. They will start to see your spiral. They will notice your change in behavior before you do. They will see the shift, the distance, or whatever else it may be. They will know something is wrong or off. They will come in as the knight in shining armor to confront you out of love and the safety of you.
Speaking from experience, when my best friend approached me about my ex, while it wasn’t the most graceful of approaches, I disregarded it and we ended up having a full fallout 6 months later. We have happily been reunited since then but that was a stressful time. I couldn’t understand what she saw because I wasn’t looking for it. I also didn’t think I deserved better so instead I justified the actions and behaviors of my then-partner.
But she saw the change, she saw his possessive nature, and whether we were close or not at that point, she saw a change in me that didn’t feel right. She knew and acknowledged what I couldn’t at that point in my life.
This wasn’t just isolated to friends. My sisters saw it too and they were much more forward about it with me. Again, I was in denial because I just wanted to be loved. I wanted a certain life and I was willing to compromise myself and my happiness for it even when I knew it wasn’t right.
Today I like to think I’m a little more self-aware than that. that if my friends approached me about a situation, I would easily be able to say okay and re-evaluate what was going on in me and in the situation itself.
So, my advice to all those going through it, listen to your friends and family. If you trust them and if they know you, they seriously just want to help and want the best for you. They love you, more than someone who controls and manipulates ever will. They want your freedom while that other person wants you caged.
There will always be lessons that have to be experienced to truly be learned, and one’s friends and family won’t be able to save you from. While the honesty provided by those closest to you may sometimes hurt, they love you and it will come with grace and care for the person that you are.
If you are in one of these situations right now, struggling to get through another day. Fighting yourself and the person you love. Searching for hope while watching the security in your life slipping away. If you’ve heard the words from others, and if you have denied them to protect your ego, I want you to know I see you and I feel you. You are on the edge of a new beginning. The first thing you have to do is let go and embrace that it’s going to be okay. The care and self-awareness I hope you one day have for yourself will be carried by those closest to you until then (and I promise, they don’t mind).
it’s okay
someone accidentally reminded me recently that it’s okay if life isn’t perfect.
sometimes I get caught up in the flow of what I try to represent and I forget it’s okay to show that I am, yes, also human. I struggle and suffer. there are days when getting up on my feet to get to the next thing feels impossible.
I have moments of doubt about what my life is and where it’s going. I have days where I struggle more heavily with my body image. I spend days questioning if my words are worth anything. days where I am stuck in my head. days where I project all my deepest insecurities onto others. I have days that can just totally suck.
it’s like being in a boxing ring, a place I have never been nor particularly desire to go to. all these heartaches and momentary struggles feel like I’ve been caged in a fight I didn’t ask for. a battle I have already lost but am still expected to keep going. the hits keep coming even when I am on the ground, bleeding, bruised, and broken. I watch the ref circle the ring, pressuring me to stand back up. the crowd chanting words I can’t make out because the ringing in my ears is too loud. I feel the weight of the champion staring me down, eyes glowing, beaming the words I dare you into my soul. and when I connect with that champion, I realize it is my own reflection. my own eyes staring back at me. stronger than I am capable of being right then.
I want to sit here and tell you all the things I do to pull myself out of this state in those moments, but there are some days I simply can’t. those are the days the best thing I can do is curl in a ball and get lost in movies and books. find peace in limited contact and isolation. let go of should’s and could’s and just allow me to be with me. on days like this, I can’t always face myself. so I keep my head down. I allow it to be a recovery day, so I can stand back up tomorrow stronger. fighting in solidarity with the incredible woman standing across from me instead of against her.
we aren’t made perfect. we aren’t made to live on a constant life high. we were made to be just as we are. we are not just intelligent beings, but we are emotional ones too. we have to give ourselves the grace to feel whatever is moving through us or getting back up will never get easier.
it’s okay to not know what to do. it’s okay to feel lost. it’s okay to take time to figure it out. and on those extra hard days, when facing yourself and everyone around you feels impossible, it’s okay to not do a thing.
we don’t stay here forever, but some days, it’s okay.
love always,
Riss
everything might just be okay
yes, you heard it here first!… or second… or maybe more… regardless, I’m saying it, everything might just be okay. actually, everything will be okay. even when it doesn’t feel like it.
I have this belief. this belief that there is a shift in the universe saying ‘look, you were getting too comfortable and it’s time to change things up. it’s time to learn a new lessons. it’s time to get a little bolder. it’s time to find a little passion again. it’s time to get off your ass and do something bigger and better than yesterday.’
like most people, I have also struggled. there have been days when my ability to reach new heights is just not there or seems nearly impossible.
the other day for example, I was feeling so low in myself I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t get myself to write or read or get out of bed. some may call it depression, I call it getting stuck in my head. but you know that feeling when you are so overwhelmed by all the thoughts in your head that if you don’t get up and do something, or write them down or scream them out- you feel like you will explode? that feeling finally came to me.
I was exhausted and getting ready for bed and all of the angst caught up to me. it needed out. I was stuck because I stopped prioritizing my needs. so I figured I would stand at my computer and I would write whatever came out of my head and heart. let me tell you, she was mad. and annoyed. and ashamed. and embarrassed. and frustrated.
ya’ll I had been letting all of these feelings just sit inside me! like what? why do we do this to ourselves. it’s a rather aggressive journal entry but I want to share a part of it with you:
I didn’t write today or yesterday and I feel bad about myself for it. I’m struggling right now. I’m stressed and frustrated and struggling. I’m stressed that I still have a shitty relationship with money. That I haven’t been able to find a job. That I feel passionate about nothing. I’m frustrated that I’m alone and that even though I have amazing friends I’m still the last one single. It’s starting to make me feel like what’s wrong with me? Do I give off bad energy? Am I too rude and stubborn. Have I been too guarded…
I am very self-conscious of my financial situation. I want to have my own business and make a lot of money and be able to provide for myself. I want all of those things I want to be confident in my own skin and not feel insecure every time I take my shirt off. I am so frustrated. What am I doing wrong? I reflect and meditate and try to be a good person. I know where my weaknesses are and I’m working on them but it’s like I’m so closed off. Like I don’t know how to have fun anymore...
I feel awful right now. I’m disappointed in my body. I’m mad that my back is getting worse and nothing I do is making it better. I’m mad that I’m going to have to live with this for the rest of my life. I’m mad that I don’t have the life I want. I’m mad that I rely on my parents for support still. I’m mad that I feel unlovable. I’m mad that I let a stupid boy break my heart and hurt me. I’m mad that I allowed myself to become an entirely different person because of it. I’m mad that I can’t open up to people. I’m mad that I share my heart online just to try and make something of myself even though internally I don’t believe it’s going anywhere. I’m mad that I’ve thrown my schedule off. I’m mad that I can’t enjoy time out without thinking about the way I spend. I’m mad that I don’t have money for groceries. I’m mad that I am me. I’m so mad…
And I’m ashamed. I am ashamed that at 29 years old, I have no career, I have no direction, I have essentially no job. And because of that I’m embarrassed. Like who is going to want me with the current lifestyle I live. I went from being independent and striving to stuck in a box and living in a damn bubble. Afraid to take on more work for fear it’ll take away my ability to socialize…
And sometimes I do want to die. Sometimes I want to disappear so that I don’t have to feel all these emotions over and over again. It gets so exhausting trying to keep myself happy and trying to stay in a place where I can be certain with myself instead of constantly breaking myself down. I deserve more. I deserve to treat myself better. I deserve success and love and happiness. I deserve my own home and I deserve to have my own family. I deserve to make a fuck ton of money so that I can give to other people. I deserve to live a better life. I deserve this. I deserve all of this and more. What is this block? why do I have such a hard time getting around it? Why do I get so stuck? How do I change things. I want to know. I want the change, I want the shift. I want more. And I know no one can do it but me, but this one link is missing and most days I struggle to keep it together…
I want this year to be more than it has been in my past. I want to find the most success. I do not want to settle for less on any front. I want nothing but peace. I want peace. I want the courage to take chances and be bold. I want to accept the worst and hope for the best. I want more in my life.
(and yes, there was more)
how do we manage to let thoughts like that live inside of us? maybe more importantly, why do we let thoughts like this live inside us?
maybe I’m the only person that feels this way sometimes, but I like to think I’m not alone in at least some of these feelings. otherwise, there you go, welcome to my rather savage mind on occasion (insert awkward laugh here).
I will tell you that as soon as I released all of this emotion onto paper, I felt a lot better. did I cry? you bet your perfectly plump bottom I did. did I sit in a pity puddle from all those tears? oh yeah, definitely. did I eventually decide to stand up and mop it up? (because that’s what makes the difference) – the answer to that question is yes, yes I did!
the next morning during my meditation I decided that I needed to actually listen to my life coach and come up with some power phrases to shift my mentality when my head goes a little sideways. so my current one is … wait for it …
just have fun!
also my ego can go ahead and sit down and be quiet because the things she has to say are brutal. I wouldn’t let anyone talk to me like that so why do I let the voice in my head do it? probably because I’m human, but most likely because a small part of me has found comfort in it. comfort that I’m willing to dispense of and guess what?
I’ve got to take the universe’s hint and start to get uncomfortable again.
so will I always believe everything will be okay? no. there will be days I’ll fight tooth and nail for the painful words to be right. but deep down I’ll know and the truth because I have already accepted it. I might just have to drag it up from the soggy waters, wipe it off, and then let it glow like the luminescent feeling that it is.
so in case you forgot to remind yourself or you are struggling today or that little voice in your head is throwing jabs like you are in a fight you didn’t ask to be in, I want to remind you:
Everything will be okay.
Love always,
Riss
new year, new goals
These goals go beyond the ordinary, at least for me! Check out where I’m headed this year and join me in transforming your year into the best year yet!
as I sat across from my therapist, she smiled and asked me to reflect back on the goals I had set for the 2022 which consisted of:
· reaching a level of true happiness in my life
· setting appropriate boundaries with others
· cultivating and maintaining personal relationships
· embracing and accepting my emotional state and well-being
as she read these off to me, I barely recalled having set any of them, but recognizing where I have made vast improvements and where I still needed to dig a little deeper and do a little more work.
while I may not have mentioned it to her, I did feel an instant strike of nervousness about having only accomplished some of these and parts of others.
I recognize the goal of reaching a true level of happiness falls in the way of a lifelong goal. that to attain and achieve this, I must continue to live every day in the greatest state of mind. I am also a rather (and sometimes too much) realistic person and know that it is unreasonable for me to constantly be in this state of mind. I am after all human, and I will continue to struggle maybe not everyday, but as I try and work at it, fewer days than before.
I also found myself struggling to accept that while I have worked hard to achieve a level of emotional intelligence that has me welcoming and accepting my emotional state, I realized when I got tired of the emotional pain sprinkled in, I decided to stop providing comfort to myself. instead, I would disregard my feelings and find more logical ways to explain what was going on in my life. I pushed the thoughts and emotions, deep inside of me, away (in a typical reactive Marissa manner) and continued on with life. while I have started to find my way back to a sound and secure place, reinviting the lost feelings inside me and disregarded vulnerability, I have adjusted my goals for this new year.
this years goals come at a high cost but really only with the intention to continue forward on my journey in life.
1. fall in love: This year I want to fall in love – with myself, with a partner (who I very much plan to manifest), with my work, with my passions, with life in all aspect. I want to fall in love with every person I come in contact with. falling in love goes beyond the partner, but allowing myself to be my own partner at times too.
2. to let go of structure: despite my large affinity for sharing my heart with all of the internet and those that find their way to my page, I admittedly get stuck and rather frustrated when plans fall through. part of my lack of emotional range has caused me to build structure to offset the lack of control in my life. seeing areas I struggle to let go and just flow. so this year, I am working to keep structure where necessary, and let go of the rest.
3. learn to effectively move through my emotions: there are times when I get complacent. I get comfortable doing nothing because it requires no work. this year, I want to continue to press forward, opening up myself to others and letting down the guard that I have carefully built over the years.
4. be more genuine with other people: I spend so much time with other people that there are days when I feel like I am putting on a front, just to get by. where I will ask questions, but not really care. where I will appear invested but not really be. where I’m trying to just be friendly, but it’s really hard. 2023 is a year that I want to be genuinely present in every moment I am in. From putting my phone away when I am with others, to actually maintaining and being fully engaged in the conversation and information I learn about others.
5. listen more: I find number 4 and 5 are actually connected. a lot of times, I hear myself talking and just think – ‘shut up’. no one needs to hear this story again. no one needs to know the entire play-by-play of your afternoon. but somehow I find a way to just keep going. needing to relate or let them know I relate by sharing my own stories. working this year, on listening more. on asking more questions and not caring if I get to share about me.
6. take the pressure off myself: if there is one thing I know I am good at, it is loading on the pressure. sometimes it is so heavy, it’s unbearable. there are days when I am so hard on myself I forget to give myself kindness and compassion. two things that I easily give to others, but struggle to serve myself. this year I am taking the pressure off. if I don’t hit the deadline, if I don’t do everything I wrote down, if I don’t make every event. I take the pressure off. because this is the year of being light as a feather.
I was able to create these goals rather quickly because I knew what I needed without having to really think about it (more so, I know what I’m currently lacking.
I am excited for this year. I am excited to see what more it brings into my life. on this path toward something bigger than myself, I’m just excited to embrace life in every single moment. but you should know, I’m also terrified.
I don’t live blindly… okay, maybe sometimes. but for the most part, I struggle with fear in my life, overcoming and persevering through it. I sometimes get so afraid to make the wrong choice, that I make no choice. I find myself locked in a cycle of yes, no, yes, no. and it is daunting!
so while this year will bring in more, because I am more self-aware than last year, I know it will also bring me more challenges to face, more opportunities to grow, and more love than I could have ever imagined.
I hope this New Year brings in your heart’s desires too.
Love Always,
Marissa
