Dear Dad,
Searching for the right words to write to you has been rather difficult. I’ve tried poetry, stories, thinking, meditating, talking to you and now here I am - Simply writing a letter, hoping I can convey the love and gratitude I have for you in my life.
Our story is not linear. Our story is not simple. Our story is not special. But our story helped evolve me. The things I am about to share with you are in no way a reflection of anger, frustration, or pain but rather that of love and appreciation for who you have helped me to become.
Seventeen years ago feels like a lifetime. When you walked out that door, at the time, felt like you walking out on me. The challenges I was about to face, I was not prepared for, but how could anyone be prepared for that? I don’t even think you were prepared for it. Then again, how does anyone prepare for anything in life? And that was when you taught me some of my greatest lessons in life - it just took me a while to understand them.
Lesson #1: Sometimes we have to move through it to figure it out
That day was unbelievably difficult for me. I shattered. I broke. I had gone from having two father figures in my life to none in a matter of a year and a half. I didn’t know how to deal with the emotional pain radiating through my mind, spirit, and body. All I knew how to do was close-up my feelings and shut out people in my life - Mainly you.
I continued to force hate. To push you away. To insult you. To drive you out of my life since I thought you didn’t want to be there. I saw the subtle attempts at reconciliation, but I felt abandoned and unwanted. And there, was lesson #2 and #3 -
Lesson #2: It’s okay to be angry
Lesson #3: Keep on trying
Over the course of the years, our relationship teetered on and off. It was like we got on this see-saw and we couldn’t get off. We are still learning to balance it today and I am proud of us for that.
Sparing all the unfortunate details, looking back, all I can say is thank you. Those choices may have hurt and led me to develop beliefs about myself and others that challenged my way of thinking. But at the end of the day, those choices are part of the reason I am who I am today.
Dad, thank you. I recognize that you only did the best you could and what you knew how to do, and that’s okay. I didn’t understand that at 12 years old, but I do now. Beyond those major lessons, you taught me so many small things too. I learned how to stay even when it’s painful and hard. How to love and support those around me. I learned how to have more compassion and grace in my life. How to fight for what I want and that the life I choose does not have to be linear but can exceed even the expectations I have for it.
I have gained strength, perseverance, and humility because of you. All qualities that have helped cultivate incredible relationships, understanding, and the ability to move on from dark Places in my life.
You also taught me to dream. You told me, to do what makes me happy. While sometimes your opinion on that fluctuates back and forth, I have never let go of it. I refuse to do what hurts me because I know all too well what pain can do to a person. I know what bottling myself down looks and feels like, and I refuse to go back to that place.
I learned from you that there are no limits to what I can do. That I can dream beyond my beliefs and reach success in the corners of life not everyone will go.
Dad, thank you for all that you are, and all that you do. Every conversation, every hug, every shared meal and moment is a lesson and opportunity for me to grow in love, in patience, and in kindness.
You did the best you could because you did what you knew to do. You did what you thought was right in each moment. And with that comes major lesson #4 and #5.
Lesson #4: It’s okay to make mistakes
Lesson #5: Forgive quickly and love more often, we are all doing the best we can
We live in a world where we might not get tomorrow. Where we only have this moment. While our relationship has been a struggle and painful and hard, we are both maneuvering through it the best way we know how.
We may continue to argue and disagree, but despite all of it I love you for the father that you are and I know how much you love me too. You have taught me more lessons than I can count and I think that means you did a pretty good job.
Thank you for who you are, because I would not be who I am today without you.
I love you dad.
Love Always
Riss
