Dear J,
The countless hours I have spent trying to formulate words to write to you has been long. I have written in many flavors of emotions- anger, fury, regret, resentment, sadness, heartbreak, joy, peace, love, gratitude, patience, hope and more.
I have searched for the right words that do not blame or place accusations but rather to express to you the value you added to my life. While the words still don’t feel perfect, I accept that they may never be enough to express everything I feel in my heart.
I know when I left, I wrote you a couple letters. One I’m pretty sure you ripped up and another you never received. I apologized to you over and over again for my actions, my pains, my truths, and my lie’s. I spent months hoping that something would change. That you and I would change. That we would grow and shift back to each other. I dreamed that we just needed space and everything would be different.
Everything did become different, but certainly not in the way I had thought I wanted. I thought you were my forever, so walking away was one of the hardest things I had to do.
The day I realized I had to go, I knew that you were one of the greatest gifts’ in my life. I was, and am, nothing but grateful for you and everything we put each other through. Our relationship was filled with anger, frustration, ignorance, fear, and at times rage. But it all stemmed from passion and the love we had for each other. Unfortunately, our love didn’t align and too often we brought out the worst in each other.
There may still be things you believe are my fault, but that isn’t what I see anymore. I got tired of blaming you for my stuff and I got tired of accepting that it was all me. You were my mirror to everything painful deep inside myself- the hurting parts of me that I wasn’t dealing with. I did things I was not proud of. I said things I was ashamed of. I reacted in ways that I am embarrassed of. I would not have been pushed to grow into the person I am today without you.
You saved me. You saved me from myself. I am nothing but grateful for every single moment we shared together, the good, the bad, and everything in between. And while I sit here crying, writing this to you, I can sincerely say I have always seen what you can offer the world. You have so much heart and so much passion and that is what and who I fell in love with. Not the guy with the front show exterior, but the guy inside that let me see him. I could see the possibilities of what you could do. It required more than just showing it to me though and I couldn’t change that for you. While at times I may have pressed too hard, All I could be was the person who kept encouraging you to reach for more in your way and your time.
I hope one day you find yourself, not who other people told you you are, but you find the person you want to be - the person you truly are. I hope your words never go unheard again and you find peace in this life. And I hope you can accept that in the end, we were the best thing that could ever have happened for each other.
Regardless of the pain and the distance, I will always have love in my heart for you. You changed my life for the better and for that I am forever grateful.
Love Always,
Riss
