There was a feeling of bliss, safety and security as Trevor wrapped his arms around Olivia. The night was brisk, but the fire, and their bodies pressed against each other, created the warmth they needed to get by.
“Do you ever look at the stars and think how small we are?” Olivia kept her hazel eyes gazing up at the night sky. She shivered. Trevor squeezed a little tighter.
“Sometimes. But then I think, does it really matter?” She felt his shoulders shrug up and down.
“What do you mean by that?” She turned to face him. His piercing blue eyes stared right into hers. He wanted to kiss her right now, but he knew it wasn’t the right moment.
“I just mean that the universe is massive right?” Liv nodded. “And there is so much unexplored out there and it continues to expand every single moment, right?”
“I don’t know does it?” Olivia tilted her head and her winter beanie slid off. Trevor caught it on its way down. “Thank you.” She smiled at him.
“Yes, it does. The universe is still expanding. It’s like an infinite explosion of creation. Like when the big bang happened, the cymbals of the explosion made a promise to never let their sound fade away. To always be known, always be heard, but never be understood or caught. So, as we live and breathe, we continue to get smaller and smaller.”
“Okay so…”
“But what does it really matter? As everything gets larger, we stay exactly the same. We can choose to be small, insignificant, and unnoticed… Or we can do what those cymbals did and find a way to make our presence last forever. And at that point, you are just as great as the universe!”
“You are very poetic tonight.” Liv rolled her eyes.
“Seriously, Liv, think about it. We all have the opportunity to do something amazing in this world right? We could make a major discovery, create a major cure, solve an unsolvable problem, end world hunger, save the oceans, impact a million people, or change just one life and you would be making your presence last forever.”
“Okay but if I only affected one person my entire life, how would that be making a lasting impact?”
“Because that one person could change their entire life, turn things around in a way they never thought possible. Now every person they touch and they share kindness and gratitude with was because of something you did or said. That’s the thing. It doesn’t have to be some big anything, just a kind something.”
Olivia pondered for a moment. “So have I affected change in your life?” Trevor stared at her.
“You have no idea how much you have changed my life.” Olivia went a slightly deeper shade of pink, hoping it blended in with the cold’s natural blush on her cheeks.
She put her head down to try and hide the quiet tears coming to her eyes. Trever placed his hand on her chin and brushed the tears away. A small smile escaped her lips.
“Olivia Beret, thank you for all that you do.” He paused. Staring deep into her eyes. He placed a hand on her cheek. “I love you.” He finally said it. The three words that had been sleeping on the tip of his tongue for weeks now. He let them go and he felt no shame, no guilt- just free. Happy and content with this moment.
Olivia started to look panicked. She started fidgeting her hands and she suddenly wanted to run as far away as she could
“Hey, hey, it’s okay. You don’t have to say it back. I wanted you to know how I feel though. That’s all.”
Thoughts swarmed her mind. She didn’t know if she could do this again, let someone in. Trust someone intimately and build anything off of it. She knew she loved him, but she was trying so hard not to. He was gentle and kind and understanding. He listened to her talk for hours and hours. He made her laugh endlessly. And the physical connection was perfect. His touch always gave her chills, her stomach would light up. She couldn’t believe this was happening. She didn’t know what she did to deserve someone like him.
“Liv you don’t have to say anything, but if you want to share what you’re thinking, you know I will listen.”
Olivia could feel all her anxiety swelling into her chest. She thought she was going to pop open. She stood up and started pacing.
“Liv what do you need right now? I am madly in love with you but I don’t expect you to feel the same way. You know I’m not one to hold back.” Trevor found himself second guessing his choice.
“Please stop talking.” The ice in her voice matched the frigid air.
Trevor let his guard down and found silence. He was paralyzed inside. He kept talking out of habit to justify himself because he was suddenly feeling stupid. The sound of Olivia moving back and forth pulled his internal anxiety out of his body.
Olivia started mumbling to herself. She was shaking.
Trevor pulled a blanket from where she had been sitting and extended it out to her. She paused and looked at it. She reached her hand and felt the electricity shoot through her body as her fingers brushed his. She knew he felt it too.
She quickly wrapped the down blanket around herself and took a seat on the bench across from him.
“I’m sorry.” The quiet sobs broke through the wall she had been holding up.
Trevor knew her past and he knew the heartache and hurt she had been stuck in. An alcoholic father and an unavailable mother left her on her own most of her childhood. Not that she ever let that define her. It was her last relationship that put the nail in her emotional coffin.
He charmed her and then used her. He made her believe they were everything and then when it was time for him to go, he took it all and ran. Only after he had stripped away her pride and left her alone. The brutality of their relationship was hard for Trevor to hear about. He couldn’t fathom ever abusing someone’s body the way this coward had abused hers. They still hadn’t had sex, but Trevor didn’t care. He was willing to wait 100 years for her to be ready. All he needed was her company.
When her ex had left, he made sure she had nothing and no one. He had cautiously separated her from her friends and family. He left the rent unpaid for months and stole the money she made while he sat on the couch all day. He cheated on her over and over again. Drank endlessly and used her body for his pleasure when he wanted it.
Trevor knew what a big step saying something like that would be because of everything she had been through. She pulled herself back up and refused to be a victim to this man’s choices. She didn’t let her family take that from her and she certainly wasn’t going to let some arrogant ass from the East Coast do it either.
Trevor kept his eyes on Liv. He wanted nothing more than to hug her. He watched her shoulders move up and down. They were the only people out here that he could tell. So her sobs were another secret the wild would keep.
After a few minutes she finally looked up at Trevor.
“I’m sorry Trev. I have so much going through my mind right now, I don’t know what to say. I know what I want to say, but I don’t know if I can.” Trevor smiled. A big grin from ear to ear. “Why are you smiling?” She was suddenly very confused, every negative thought disappeared bringing her back to reality.
“Am I not allowed to smile at you?”
“I mean yes, of course.”
“Are you breaking up with me? Should I be sad too?”
“Oh gosh no! No I’m not. That’s a dumb thought.” Trevor laughed. “Stop it. I’m being sad.”
“Okay be sad, do you want me to come hold you?”
“I mean yes but…” Her words were cut off by Trevor swooping her up into his arms. He didn’t quite have the footing he thought he had and they both fell backwards in the snow laughing.
After their laughter subsided, Trevor looked over at Liv and brushed a strand of hair out of her face. She stared back into his deep blue eyes. She could see the golden specks. She loved looking at them.
“How many stars do you see in my eyes tonight?” Liv giggled.
“Too many to count.” She replied.
Trevor searched her eyes for information, for a go ahead, for anything.
“Is it okay that I said ‘I love you’?” Liv let her gaze drop but Trevor lifted her chin. “Liv?”
“Yes it is. I’m just scared.”
“I understand. I will tell you every single day that I am not that guy and I will prove to you over and over again to continue to gain your trust and be everything you want. Olivia, I love you. You are my person. I will never force you into anything and if you decide to walk away, I will let you go with a big hug and anything else you might want or need. If you wanted to stay here for the rest of our lives, I would go out and chop wood and build us a little home. If you want to start a family, we could make that happen. If you want to travel, I will do everything in my power to take you everywhere you want to go. You are not me, but you are everything else I want in my life. You make me better and you show me what it means to go farther and do more. You are my clarity and my best friend.”
Olivia started tearing up again, but this was different. Instead of an emotional roller coaster from a trauma ridden girl living inside her, she felt a quiet comfort take over her body.
Trevor wiped the tear rolling down her cold, freckled cheeks.
“What’s that tear for?”
“I love you too. I mean I’m in love with you too Trev. Thank you.”
Trevor felt his heart leap out of his chest and he pulled her too him. Their lips met, melting the cold pressed upon them only moments before. Trevor didn’t ever want to let her go. He felt the heat growing between them. He pulled away and whispered to her.
“Liv, I want you so bad.” A devious smile escaped her lips.
“I want you to.” Trevor attempted to roll himself out of the slowly soaking blanket but got stuck and ended up face down in the snow.
Olivia burst into laughter. “You certainly know how to charm a lady.” Trevor hopped up.
“Okay hold on, not fair. Give me a take two.” He turned around with his back to her, rustled his hair, and took a deep breath. Olivia was now standing up on her own. He always made her laugh. He always brought joy back in when she needed it.
He coughed to deepen his voice, “Olivia, my love, let me swoop you into the arms gifted to me by gods and take you to the tent of desires where I will show my love to you in a display of all my glory.” His chest was puffed out, the front of his hair was in a ratted mohawk, his face was lined with concern.
“Oh my goodness. I don’t know what to do with you.” She walked over to him, wrapped her arms around him and looked up. He was a good half foot taller than her. “You are the silliest, most amazing man I know. Let’s go get warm.”
Trevor slid one arm around her back and lifted her up to meet his lips. Compressing a thousand emotions into one singular moment. A moment tailored in time. A moment that would go on to last forever.
