Cassidy couldn’t remember the last time she had said something nice about herself. Let alone done something nice for herself. She was about fifteen pounds overweight and she was having a mental breakdown today. This happened every other day or so.
She was so tired of watching everyone around her drop a couple pounds, pick up all the guys, get treated better, while she sat in the back saying “Great job! You are fucking awesome! Of course he wants you! Congratulations on your weight loss! I’m so happy you got that promotion!” All while inside screaming –
“What about fucking me!”
At a certain point she had to wonder if she was conceited. She had to wonder if she was selfish and entitled or if it was fair of her to feel the way she was feeling and behave the way she was. Always the supporter, never really the supported. Sure, she would listen to her friends tell her how pretty she was and what a great personality she has, but if that was so true, why did no men look her way? Why didn’t she get asked on dates or if she did, why was it over after one?
She had committed that this was her year. She was going to lose those pounds and get healthy. She was going to find courage and fall in love. She was going to have the best damn year of her life and it started right now.
Like literally, she is sitting on a bicycle at the gym right now mindlessly peddling, pondering her life choices.
She finally got that gym membership this morning. She put on her black Lulu’s (because that’s supposed to be a slimming color and anything to hide those curves right?) and a cute black tie-back t-shirt she had crafted herself (don’t want them to see you sweat…). She walked into the local LA Fitness with her head up and shoulders back, right up to the desk and said she would like to sign up for a membership.
Good fucking job girl! You took that first step. You got in and you were ready to go. She doesn’t really remember signing the paperwork or what her membership plan entails. She was so desperately focused on the path to skinny and pretty and thriving and her goal that she didn’t hear a thing the girl at the desk had said.
As soon as that agent let her loose to find her inner child in an adult’s playground, she stopped dead.
“What the hell am I doing?” She whispered under her breath. She looked around the massive area and wanted to run back out the doors, into her car, and all the way home. She was paralyzed with fear. Her pink and white Nike’s were stuck in place where she stood until someone brushed past her clearly annoyed and overly privileged.
“Excuse you.” The tall, pretty girl breathed as she walked past.
That got her moving. The internal fear of being there was a lot already but she had to do something for herself, so she found a nice bike to sit her butt on and that’s how she got here. Wondering when it was her turn.
“Hey Cas!” Oh no. Cassidy wanted nothing more than to pretend that Anya was not approaching her, not now.
Anya and Cassidy had met through Cas’s ex, Rob. They had never quite got on, because Anya had been obsessed with Rob for a very long time. They were wonderful fake friends until Rob broke up with Cassidy for Anya. That made the split in their line of friendship together very easy.
“Oh my gosh hi!” Cas put on her best it’s so nice to see you voice and the biggest smile she could muster as she turned to look at Anya. Like seriously, how did this woman lose more weight than the last time she saw her? She was already unhealthy looking and now she has abs to go with the physique. Cas could feel her jealousy spiking.
Anya did a quick once over of Cassidy and was instantly feeling better than her morning had started.
“What are you doing here? You know you’re at a gym right? Or did you get lost on your way to work? Oh em gee, totally kidding. But seriously, you look good!” The fake laughter was unbearable. Cassidy wanted to puke. The backhanded compliment tied with a little underhanded insult, she was smooth. It still stung though.
“Oh yeah, just found myself wandering in off the streets. Trying to keep up with skinny bitches like you.” Anya’s expression quickly changed. Everyone who knew Anya knew she could dish it, but she certainly couldn’t take it. “I’m kidding doll. I just decided this morning I needed some healthy change in my life so here I am!” Cassidy sighed internally… oh god, was that internally? Yes, it was, phew. Cas sighed internally proud of herself for covering up the shade she just threw over Anya. Although Anya’s face didn’t change. It was still slightly snarling in Cas’s direction. She had this weird upper lip thing going on and a twitch in her baby blue eyes.
“Look I would love to chat Anya, but I got to get the rest of my workout in before work. Seriously, you look good and I hope you and Rob are both doing well.”
“We are. We are doing so incredibly well it’s amazing. In love and happy. And don’t tell anyone but we are trying to get pregnant.” The fake smile came back as the words spewed from Anya’s mouth. That means everyone already knew. Anya wasn’t the type to keep secrets if it meant the attention was on her for more than a few minutes. The real question was did Rob know he was trying for a baby.
“Well congratulations! Your secret is safe with me. Good luck to both of you!” With that, Cassidy popped her ear bud back in her ear and turned around to face the screen in front of her. Family Feud had been driving her speed until that moment. Cas was so grateful Anya had approached like that, or else she probably would have found herself leaving earlier than intended.
* * * *
At work that afternoon Cassidy wanted to sleep. Wasn’t exercise supposed to make you more alive throughout your day? But neither the coffee nor the accidental desk nap were enough to get her brain moving. She thought maybe it just took a few days to get into this routine. I mean it’s like anything. It will be normal. She just hasn’t quite gotten there yet.
“Cassidy, Tim wants to see you.” Rachel leaned in through the door pulling Cas out of her very mundane daydream.
“Oh fuck. I mean shit. Did I say that out loud?” Rachel gave a slight nod. “I mean cool! Great. Awesome yeah, I’ll be right there.” Rachel stood there awkwardly staring at Cassidy as she grabbed a notepad, pen, water, and the files he had been asking for, for the last week. She looked up to see Rachel still staring.
“Um… is there something else?” Rachel’s cheeks flushed.
“Oh no. Sorry. I’m sorry.” And she shuffled off down the hallway back to her reception desk.
Cassidy shrugged and headed off down the hallway.
She knocked lightly on the door before entering. Tim was a cool boss, but he didn’t like to be bothered if he was in the middle of something. Often times he forgot he asked someone to come see him even if it was only moments earlier.
He was on the phone with a client but waved Cassidy in to take a seat. She stared at his suit. Was that new? Denim blue with silver buttons and no tie today. His glass green eyes were smiling as big as the smile on his face. He didn’t gel his hair this morning either. Instead his deep brown hair sat lifted on his head in an almost pillow formation.
“Heather, I understand what you are saying. It shouldn’t be a problem at all. We will take a look at your accounts this afternoon. I haven’t seen any discrepancies on my end so you may want to look at your staff.”
Cassidy heard the woman on the other end of the phone start yelling. Something about ‘Are you fucking kidding me’ and ‘You piece of shit’ and ‘My staff?’ It was more funny than anything. Tim was laughing. Or at least stifling one.
“Thank you for your kind words Ms. Duchant. I will be sure to pass them along to HR. Is there anything else I can do for you today? You’ll be receiving an e-mail from my assistant Cassidy before the day is up.” Cassidy rolled her eyes at this. Tim always had a way with passing difficult clients off to her to deal with. “Yep, okay. Bye then.”
Cassidy stared at him as he burst into laughter.
“That woman. So insane. I hope we lose her account. My mental health can’t afford what she puts us through. I would be happy to pass her to Rode’s Financial down the street. As a matter of fact, pull her records when you get back to your desk and email them over to Rode’s Assistant. Tell them this is a potential gold mine that we can’t afford to back right now. See if they bite. In the meantime, send her over all her financial statements and payment dates. We may not like her, but she’s making us money at the moment.” He paused. “So, what’s up?”
“What? You called me in here.” Cassidy was slightly thrown off but also not surprised.
“Right, yeah. I know. So, what’s up?” He was leaning back in his chair looking as if they were out at a bar for an employee get together.
“Um, well, I have those files you wanted me to gather for that China Global Account. I did find some mistakes in the editing when they were sent over from Ryland Accounting. It looks like someone was dipping into their funds, I’m just not sure if it was Ryland’s or someone in the account. And I tried to…” Tim cut her off.
“Cassidy, set the paperwork down, I will take a look at it later. I just want to check in with you. Are you okay?” Cassidy couldn’t remember the last time someone asked her that question with the intent to actually listen.
Before she could even speak, tears started cascading down her cheeks. Tim pushed a box of tissues forward and she hastened to grab one. Embarrassment flooded her cheeks.
“Oh God. Tim this is so embarrassing. Sitting in my boss’s office sobbing like a baby for no reason at all.”
“Cas, if you are crying, it’s not for no reason. Is there anything I can do for you?”
“Don’t make me email that insane woman?” There was a joking tone to her voice. A smile spread across Tim’s face.
“Done. And why don’t you take the rest of the week off. My treat. Go do something. Get away. Meet a nice guy and take a spontaneous trip or get up in the mountains by yourself.”
“Tim, it’s Monday.”
“God what will I do without you this week. I thought it was Friday!” He smirked. “Yes, Cas, I know it’s Monday. But you have been off and you need a break. Take the week. PTO and you still have whatever other vacation time you haven’t used this year yet.”
“Can you do that?” She was shocked this was happening.
“I’m in charge, I can do whatever I want. And if an employee of mine isn’t performing to their full potential, it is because they need a break. This company can spare you to take an extra week. It can actually spare everyone to take an extra week. That’s why I don’t care. Your well being is more important than some bitchy client I have to deal with. So go grab your purse. Leave the files with me and get out of here.” Cassidy didn’t move. The second time today she felt glued to a spot. It wasn’t very becoming she thought. “You want to bring someone from the office with you? Go ahead, we will be fine without them too!” Cassidy’s jaw dropped.
“What has gotten into you?” Tim looked calm with her question.
“What’s the point of living if we aren’t actually doing it? You got today. That’s all you know. So take a week. If you decide to use your vacation, let me know and I’ll get a temp in here for a few weeks. This is going to be good. I can feel it.” He stood up like some giddy teenager and hustled Cassidy out of his office.
“And if I don’t hear from you in a month, I’ll assume you found a better boss somewhere!” He shouted at her down the hallway. A big cheesy grin spread across his face.
Cas turned around and mouthed ‘Thank you’ to which he nodded, winked, and then retreated back into his office.
The whole office was staring at Cassidy.
“I’m taking vacation.” She shrugged.
* * * *
Cas got home and didn’t know where she was going or what she was doing. All she knew was she was taking off. She knew she had nowhere to be fast and it was time for her to do something for herself.
Her breakup with Rob had been rough. His office was just down the street from hers, so she had the constant pleasure of seeing him with Anya, laughing over cocktails and light appetizers, because God forbid that woman eat anything of substance.
Cas stopped herself, ‘Oh right, I’m not judging anymore.’ She thought. ‘She should eat whatever makes her happy and it isn’t my business.’ But she wanted it to be her business. She was beyond irritated and annoyed at the both of them. Constantly thinking about them together. Thinking about what they were doing and where they were going and the sex. Oh my God. She couldn’t stop thinking about them, together, in intimate, dirty, and incredibly sensual ways.
She could feel her insecurities bubbling to the surface.
“Stop Cas. Stop!” She yelled at herself. “What is true? What do you know?” She thought about her name, where she was and what she was doing. It was 10:00am on a Monday and she was about to drive to the airport and find a good vacation spot. Mexico maybe? Bora Bora? Greece? She has always wanted to go to Greece and live the Mamma Mia lifestyle. If only it was that easy to sing and dance through life.
Cas quickly threw some clothes in a duffle bag and plopped down on her couch. She couldn’t believe she was doing this. Spontaneity wasn’t really her thing, but she was trying something new. ‘Why the hell not.’ She thought.
“Oh shit.” She turned her head to look at the beta fish sitting in the kitchen running into every corner. “The stupid fucking fish.” She had gotten the fish as a gift from her best friend, Alicia.
She and Alicia had been sorority sisters in college and instantly clicked. Cassidy has never been sure she would have made it through all those years without Alicia by her side. Alicia was fun and bubbly and always the positive vibe in the house. When people were melting down, she was the Mother Teresa that came to save the day. She was always so compassionate and understanding to everyone around her.
Anyway, right after Cas and Rob broke up, Alicia had gifted this fish to Cas in the hopes it brought her some comfort in her solitude. Cas loved Alicia for the gesture, honestly the only person she would have ever accepted a pet from, but she did not like this fish. Now she had to find a fish sitter to come dispense food into its little cube of a home.
“Fuuuck. That’s it. I’m just going to have to have a damn staycation and do it all here. You’ve convinced me fish.” She glared at the fish tank and pointed disgruntled. That didn’t sit right though. Cas knew it. She knew that while she may have wanted to stay home because of the comfort, she knew getting away was the best thing she could do.
She stifled through her beige Prada bag, another gift from another friend, and pulled her phone out.
Places to go when you don’t know where to go – She typed into her google search bar.
‘Let’s see’ she thought. She scrolled through some ads until she picked an article that seemed enthralling enough.
15 Underrated Vacation Spots On a Budget
She clicked on the link even though she didn’t need to budget. Skimming over the list she decided to omit every option and jumped into her mind to find the places she actually wanted to go.
She was suddenly a bit torn between Asia and South America. Hiking the Macchu Pichu trail, if she could get a permit, or prancing across The Great Wall. As Cas sat there going back and forth between the two, her doorbell rang. On a Monday morning when she was sure to be gone, she knew that was strange.
She huffed as she got off the couch and walked over to the buzzer on the door.
“Who is it?” Cas let her subtle irritation slip through.
“It’s Rocky ma’am. I’m here to do your portraits.”
“My what?” She buzzed back confused.
“Your portraits ma’am.”
“Just a moment.” Cas threw a shawl over her black tank top from the coat hanger and opened the door to find out who this strange man at her door was.
As Cas observed the rather short, balding man, rocking a serious mustache. He stood holding an easel and box of what she assumed to be paints of some kind.
“Hi, Rocky did you say your name was?” Cas extended a hand. He awkwardly set down his paints and accepted the warm welcome.
“Well yes ma’am. I’m here for your 10:30 portrait appointment. I figured if I could get in and set up a little early, we could get going on time.” He stood looking as if he was expecting her to invite him in. She stood rigid in the doorframe.
“I don’t mean to be rude at all, but I don’t remember setting up this appointment.” Rocky was taken aback.
Rocky whipped out his phone and started scrolling for something. “You’re Cassidy Sutton right?”
“Yes, that’s me.”
“Yep, I have an email from a Rob Anderson to do your personal portrait. It was set up and scheduled several months ago.”
“Oh God.”
“I’m sorry?”
Cassidy quickly realized that Rob had probably done this as some sort of romantic gesture. She stood baffled.
“Look ma’am, I have one other appointment today and it would be very helpful if we could get started.”
“Yes. I wasn’t informed this was happening. I will pay you whatever you are supposed to be paid, but this isn’t going to work out.”
“I appreciate the offer, but it’s already been paid for.” With that, Cas found herself smiling.
“Oh it has? Well… how about this then. If I give you another address, could you possibly go over there and give it to a different individual?”
“Well, it would depend on how far away it is. I only have a few hours. Your husband purchased the lowest package I have available.” Cassidy found herself holding back an eye roll. Of course he did. He had money, but he was cheap.
“It’s just down the street.” She was suddenly feeling fortunate enough that Rob and Anya had also moved in just a couple blocks down. She was writhing inside but she wanted nothing to do with this portrait, and she knew Anya would see this as insulting rather than romantic, so why not send a little gift her way.
She gave Rocky the address and implied that Anya should be home. To not mention her but say it was a gift from Rob. She could tell he was rather uncomfortable but proceeded anyway. Cassidy pulled a hundred-dollar bill from her wallet and handed it to the man.
“For your flexibility and patience. Thank you.” She smiled at him and he grabbed his paints and headed back to his car. Her day was turning around.
She shut her door and walked over to the couch and grabbed her duffle bag. She didn’t know where she was going, but she knew she was going to the airport and buying a flight to anywhere she could.
On her way out the door Cas, stopped at the mirror and looked at herself. Her hair was disheveled, the sweatshirt she was now wearing made her feel frumpy, her mascara was flaking off the tips of her eyelashes. Cas didn’t feel great, but she was ready for something more.
“Hello. I love you.” She made eye contact with herself and offered a smile, turned and headed out the door embracing everything she already was for the first time in a long time.
