i only want you
the following is based on true events
trigger warning - if you or someone you know is a victim of physical or emotional abuse, the domestic hotline is available for your safety 24/7: 800.799.7233
“I only want you.” His words echoed over and over again. At this point she didn’t know if it was all in her head or if was really happening out loud.
He stepped closer to her. She didn’t move.
“You. I just want you.”
Fear filled her. Lingering effects of the drug induced candies she had consumed earlier had her more on edge and a little less grounded.
As if in slow motion, she watched his hand reach out to lovingly grasp hold of her face.
But as quickly as she thought it was one thing, she felt the sharp sting linger as the blood rushed to her left cheek, his hand falling across her face. She brought her hands to touch the warm skin and took a step back.
“You only you? Okay?” The slur was almost incomprehensible.
Her eyes shot open. She was shocked. He had been drunk. He had yelled at her. He had accused and blamed her, but he had never touched her. Not like that.
He stepped forward reaching out, with a firm grip on her wrist. She pulled back gently.
“Okay.” She said staring into his eyes. Baffled and confused.
The fight they had earlier that night had been resolved. But it was never really resolved. There was always more. She didn’t actually see an end to it. Not unless she grew the guts to finally get out.
Breaking from his grip, she took another step back.
“I only want you. Just you. You. It’s only you.” The intensity in his voice brought tears to the corners of her eyes.
‘Not now.’ she thought.
He stepped forward. His hands reaching out to hold her face once again, fell to her neck and wrapped themselves around her throat. A firm press sent a wave through her. Paralyzed by fear, she didn’t move.
“Don’t touch me.” His hands dropped to his sides and she backed away a little further, still standing her ground.
His breath shortened for a moment and he started laughing. Piercing through the thick air, unfit for the moment. He moved toward her. Finding her path blocked, she was backed into the couch.
He had chosen alcohol for his cologne that night and the smell made her feel sicker than she already did.
He continued to laugh as he pressed forward dropping his body on top of hers. Finding herself trapped under the reeking, wasted human she called her boyfriend and partner, she couldn’t move. He stood up. Still laughing.
Before she could find her way out of this ill-intentioned trust fall, she felt her body being compressed back into the depths of the couch.
She gently slid him off of her and let him fall to the floor. She stood up and moved away from him.
“I have to go to the bathroom.” She watched him struggle to stand, stumbling to find his balance. Swaying before he could find his focus, he finally walked away.
The bathroom door swung shut and she felt a breath escape her lips she hadn’t realized she was holding. Tears welled her eyes.
Was this what she had let become of herself? Incapable of walking away because she wanted to be loved. Hoping he would stay in there she rested herself on the couch, but she still cared.
Thirty minutes went by.
She found herself easing toward the door. Lightly tapping on it, deciding if waking the dragon on the other side was worth it.
“Joshua? Are you okay?”
He mumbled what she thought, he thought were words.
“Come on, let’s go to bed.”
A moment later, he emerged. With the wall as the physical and moral support she refused to provide, he made his way to the bed.
She watched him climb in and pass out in seconds. She walked back to the kitchen, collecting a handful of ibuprofen and a glass of water. She set it on his bedside table. She stared at him from across the room, her hands floating to her throat, finally letting the tears break through.
Walking out of the bedroom, she closed the door behind her. The couch would be her sanctuary tonight. But she already knew her fate was set, her courage to walk away was trampled by shame and guilt, so she knew she wasn’t going anywhere yet. This was after all love. The dark side of it anyway.
