Dear Mr. Unfinished Business

Photo by Junseong Lee

Dear Mr. Unfinished Business,

There is a pull in my heart every time I see you. Every time I think about you. Every time I talk to you. There is a gravity that draws me to you that has left me stagnant. Staring at a hole that refuses to fill. That swallows every instrument I use to try to cover it. Because what is a hole covered?

Still a hole.

And I hate that it gives you power. I hate that it takes from me. Absorbing my energy.

And you don’t even know it. 

You were this potential. This future I could see beyond the next day or week.

Despite the lost communication. The unanswered calls. The late replies.

Despite the waiting, a part of me still longs for you. Still wants to know you. Still see’s you and hope’s for you.

But it wasn’t the right time.

Isn’t the right life.

I suppose I could have written to Mr. Right Person Wrong Time, but then that would be to multiple people. I’ll save that for another day. Today I’m talking about you.

If you find this one day, you’ll know who you are.

But Mr. Unfinished Business, I’m not just here for you. I’m here for me.

See there is My unfinished business, Your unfinished business, and there is Our unfinished business.

I can secure mine. I can heal mine. I can hold mine and love mine. I can soothe mine and identify where it hurts the most. I can work night and day until I am ready for Mr. Final Business.. Or Ms. Who knows. But I can make it okay for me. I can make my heart whole and I can find peace for myself.

I can’t do jack shit about yours.

And yet, I am left staring at Our’s. Wondering. Seeking out answers where they will not be found.

Aching to engage when my moral compass sends me in the opposite direction.

Hoping for an outcome that may be far more detrimental than productive. An outcome that will leave me in a deeper space of despair.

I have already been there and done that.

I have already expanded my energy and well-being to suit the life of someone else who isn’t me. To save them while losing myself.

So in a way, your silence is my savior.

The quiet you held while my gears were turning and wanting nothing more than to reach for you. It gave you control over me.

Yet I know you don’t like control.

So, I became empowered by my pain.

My want of you.

When I take a moment to still my mind and heart and allow them to hold each other, I am able to see Ours. Able to let the wondering subside because I know what we would have been together –

Wonderful, but wrong.

My mind is often clouded by the dreams and fantasies I build and to separate those from reality is a tedious task. A task I am willing to do nonetheless for the sake of my life.

When I pour into the curiosity surrounding what could have been, I am left with nothing short of truth, honesty, and a clear line to the reality that would have been us –

Another tragedy, another sob story.

I’ve accepted this and I’m moving on.

So, Mr. Unfinished Business, I want you to know

Our business here is finished.

Love Always,

 Riss