12 life tips you forgot you needed (part 3)

6. justification is another word for excuses

if you want to meet a professional justifier:

hi, I’m Marissa, a professional justifier and excuse maker.

I want to talk about travel for a minute. I love travel. as a matter of fact, I love travel so much, I would do it full time for a living if I could! but for too long, I have given myself all the reasons why I can’t possibly do that.

let’s see: I have cats (can’t leave them). I don’t have the financial support. I need to be able to pay my bills. travel is expensive. I will get there some day. It’s just not my time yet. I have other things I have to take care of first. I don’t want to let that person down. and if I sat here long enough, I could come up with at least ten more excuses for why I can’t travel right now.

what I know about all of this - it’s absolute crap! ridiculous, absurd, and totally unreasonable crap. these are all things I have told myself because somewhere in me, as much as I want the traveler lifestyle, there is a piece of me, saying that I am not capable or deserving of it; so I won’t ever have it.

and these excuses are not limited. the other day I finally put together the start of my inspiration/manifestation board. I had been putting it off  because I was afraid to see the potential of what I could have in life. I was afraid I didn’t deserve the things I wanted and just because I put them on a board doesn’t mean they come true. how is that possible?

and then I hear my life coach, echoing in my head, telling me to stop thinking about how and to just do. so, the other day, that’s what I did. I didn’t worry about how I was going to afford the time off for two trips this year, I just know it’ll work out. I didn’t know how I was going to start a shop on my website, but I started looking into it anyway. I didn’t know how I could love myself the way other people do, so I just said I love you anyway.

I want to blog/write, to travel, and to connect with other people. that is what I want in life. I want to spread love and share love and for too long I have sat in my justifications and excuses asking how rather than taking action to see if it works. and if it doesn’t work – that’s fine! I sidestep and try something different. so I challenge you to do the same. take action and try. the worst you can do is learn something new!

now I want to move into the relationship side of this justifying bullshit because I know we have all been there.

in my last relationship, I justified everything. I said ‘well he had a hard upbringing so he doesn’t know any better.’ I said ‘no one has given him a chance to learn.’ I said ‘no one else gave him love.’ I said ‘he’s trying.’ I said ‘but he loves me.’ I said ‘he’s right.’ I said ‘I just can’t remember right.’ I said ‘he see’s things that I can’t.’ I said ‘you’re right, she’s not a good friend.’ I said ‘we’ve been doing better.’ I said ‘he’s just not ready yet.’

I made so many excuses for this man (and honestly a lot of other people in my life). I justified his actions to other people and then I went beyond that.

I remember one conversation I had with my best friend. Lauren and I hadn’t talked in a while. we had been airing on the side of distant friends for years and I was willing to let the friendship just fade with time, but then she expressed concern about my current relationship.

I had talked to another mutual friend (and out of the respect and love I have for her, I’m leaving her name out. she is a gem and I adore her regardless of moments like this) and shared some feelings and thoughts about my relationship with her. this friend went on to tell Lauren she was concerned that there may be some abuse. since this friend had been through her own traumatic relationship, she might not have been able to see the signs, but she could certainly feel them through my words. she didn’t need to know everything to see what was happening.

Lauren’s separation and distance came from a place of concern and trying to protect herself and I commend her for that. she was also worried about me. so when the topic of Joshua came up, she mentioned what she had heard and expressed her worry. my instant response was to defend, excuse and tell her how amazing he had been, how supportive he was, and how loving he was.

I over-explained his actions. it was like I needed to fix this image others had of him. I needed people in my life to understand that we were good and how good he was. I needed to protect him in order to protect myself.

the backfire was that I went too far. no one bought it. rightfully so. the honest truth was I was trying to justify the relationship for myself. if I could convince others this was real love, maybe I could convince myself too. the last thing I wanted was to admit I was wrong and I was hurting. I was committed to the words I had said. the shame of allowing myself to be in a relationship that was damaging held me frozen in a space I couldn’t get out of.

here's what I learned though: it doesn’t matter if you decide to change your mind about someone or something. it is totally okay to take a step back and admit that maybe you are wrong. if you believe in yourself, these moments will be humbling and the honesty will light you up like the sun in a clear blue sky. beyond that, they might just be the saving grace you need.

I’m not afraid to admit when I’m wrong anymore. I’m totally okay with being human. It’s knowing the line between understanding others and respecting ourselves that will eliminate the justifications and excuses to become humbled honest ass-bitches beyond anything anyone has ever seen. go shine your light babes, you know what’s true and it’s okay to be wrong sometimes.

5. live life for others

I have gone back and forth on this one for as long as I can remember. some days I’m like we live life for other people so that the world is better.

and other days I think how the hell do I make the world better for others if I don’t live for myself first?

let me spew to you the conclusion I have come to.

you know those days when you wake up and your will to get out of bed is almost unfathomable? like it would hurt to physically move because something happening inside your mind is telling you you’re basically worthless today? those are the days we get out of bed because we have to go to work, because we can’t let other people down. because we have a job to do and people to serve. it doesn’t feel good and sometimes the lack of motivation actually hinders our interactions.

let’s flip this though. think about the days, that you wake up and it’s like the gods shined down on you with this radiant energy that make you pretty much unstoppable. it has you feeling like you can tackle the world and any problem and it’s just going to be a great day. your motivation multiplies like mice and you probably have one of the best days.

I know I’m not alone in this. I know we have all had both of these mornings. and then we have had the mornings in between, where it’s just another day.

what does any of this have to do with living for others though?

all of these different types of days are 100% still living for other people. we may need to take care of ourselves or find some level of self-care in the day, but we are still living to serve others.

so my conclusion is that we have to love ourselves first. that way we have love to give to other people. and honestly sometimes it’s far easier to give love to others than it is to ourselves. but people will feel that radiance from you far more if you start with you.

I believe we are put here for other people. we are put here to impact the world positively in some way. everyone has a different way, a different purpose. you are a gift to others, and it is your job to share that with other people.

what keeps me going every morning, what has helped to kill the depression that sometimes lingers inside, is my will to give. my will to wake up and go serve. my will to help and be comfort to people.

I hope you find some level of comfort in knowing that by giving to others every single day, you will be giving yourself more back in return than if you only ever give to yourself.

so go do something nice for another person today. pay it forward simply because it’s a nice thing to do. offer someone a hug. offer to take someone’s photo. off an ear. buy someone lunch. make someone a card. challenge yourself to make another person feel seen and then watch as your heart starts to glow. it’s a beautiful thing and I’m excited for you.

contact me and tell me how you lived for other people today and how that made a difference for you!

12 life tips you forgot you needed (part 2)

part 2 was supposed to be comprised of another four very important lessons I would make sure to share with my younger self. however as I started pouring my heart out into the first two of this section, I couldn’t fit four. so, in this week’s lesson’s you forgot you needed I present you with 8 and 7! Enjoy!

8. no may just be the best thing you’ve ever heard

I will be the first to tell you that I might have once hated this word. not for any reason other than I hate being told no and I’m kind of sh*t at using this word. from the time I could talk until my teen years I was rather great at it (with family at least). when I started to develop protective measures in my life, I became a yes (wo)man. I found the justification in everything for everyone else but myself.

but this word…

there is so much to say in these two letters saddled side by side. it can be the difference between life and death. the difference between acceptance and rejection. it can be quiet or it can be loud. it can be a safe haven and key to freedom. it can change the trajectory of your life if you learn to master this word.

no comes in two forms: speaking and receiving.

I was just rejected from a job I really wanted. I thought I had it in the bag. I thought getting a second part interview was a huge indicator that this was going to be it. the job that was going to change parts of my life I have been looking to change. when I got my rejection letter, I was upset. instant acceptance that nothing will work out (except I also knew that was a lie and it wasn’t the right job for me right now). that doesn’t deter from the pain I felt for those brief moments.

a certain level of shame came with this moment for me. I had told so many people about it. expressed my hope in it. wrote down every day that it was my job. so to receive that email and know this wasn’t going to be it sent me backwards a few steps. the first bit had to do with knowing that I was going to have to tell everyone I had told about it that it wasn’t me. that may have been the worst part. I could handle it on my own but not letting down others. until I accepted I just needed to own it. it wasn’t the right job. and deep down I knew that too. that’s why it didn’t work out.

when receiving this simple word to something you really wanted: whether it’s a job, a new toy, a raise or promotion, a hug and kiss, or any of the many other things in life we can be told no to, it’s how we choose to receive it that makes the difference. acceptance is the first step and then there is no where to go but up from there.

then there is using the word yourself.

someone asks you to get them coffee and you say no. someone asks you to compromise your standards and you say no. someone asks you to meet up and you say no. this word holds a lot of weight. the way we present it back to others, can make the biggest difference.

when we are young, it is so easy to throw this word around – mostly with those closest to us. as we age though, I, myself, have turned into the pleasingest of people pleasers (yes you can add that word to your dictionary). finding it difficult to say no for fear of missing out, hurting someone else’s feelings, letting others down. nothing about it never feels easy, but I have come to realize how that hurts me.

realizing that the word no can protect you from compromising your life and values often builds the respect others have for you. it may not be prominent at first, but I guarantee it will come back as bigger blessings.

when we say no to one thing, we open opportunity for other things. we have to be careful about what we choose to say yes to, because that is the energy and possibility we let into our life. it doesn’t mean we can’t change or reroute the results (results are always changing) but it does mean we will be walking down a trail we most likely didn’t intend on taking in that moment.

a lot of it has to do with knowing yourself. knowing who you are. knowing what you want. knowing what is okay for you in your life and what is not. the word no is a power tool for you and one of the most dangerous weapons for those that embrace themselves and know themselves.

this is an ever-evolving process. for the rest of your life you will be getting to know yourself. but if you haven’t done that in awhile. if you haven’t taken the time to get to know you, I encourage you to go do it. to find out who you are and what you like and what is important to you so that you can inspire those around you to hold themselves to higher standards. to become people that aren’t afraid of two simple letters:

n. o.

7. fear is your biggest enemy and your greatest strength

baby birds learn to fly when they jump out of their nest. if they fall, they are abandoned by their parent. hey, that’s survival of the fittest for you. if a bird is too afraid to jump on that fateful flight day, mom will leave them behind. it’s move or be killed. that’s not to say that little bird can’t still go for it, but they will be on their own if they do. soaring into a world with zero guidance. that’s scary. maybe scarier than being killed by whatever rabid animal lays waiting on the ground.

sometimes we get stuck and locked in place by fear. I will be the first to put my hand in the air and scream ‘all the freaking time’. if I’m about to do something new and exciting (or nerve-wracking, although these are technically the same feeling), I get this burning feeling in the bottom of my stomach that sort of makes me feel like I want to throw up. my heart beats in my ears. my face goes from a nice tan to instant Rudolph red. and then I usually have to pee a lot.

these feelings come when I am doing the thing I fear. but that isn’t the worst feeling. it’s the feeling before I take action that stunts, hinders, and freezes me.

when I went to launch my website, for months I had been terrified. terrified of taking action to sit down and build something that is my own because of the fear of what others will think of me. how they will judge my life. my experience. me.

I grew up in a school environment where I never felt like I fit in. I was the kid that ate in the counseling center because I felt more comfortable at a table with a couple people than in a room with a lot of other people who were loud and not afraid to be themselves. or so afraid to be themselves that was their response system was loud and boisterous. in fact, I limited myself so much in high school that I couldn’t talk to boys. this came from my trauma with the only man who had been in my life. I was one of the most awkward people I knew. I didn’t feel like I fit into any group or clique of people. I felt like this bystander. so when I did choose to put myself out there, it was terrifying.

I took an acting class in high school and did a couple monologues that were rather grotesque and maybe a little more adult than I was ready for. one was this Lily Tomlin monologue of a homeless woman. she was far older than I really could have been to play this character, but something about it spoke to me. I got to be a little crazy. I got to be silly. I got to let a little bit of me out. it was the one place I could. and I was actually recognized for it.

the next monologue I explicitly remember was some random one I found online with this girl who shat her pants on a date or something. this should have been humiliating. and when my teacher asked if I was sure this was what I wanted to do, I told her yes. looking back, I realize she may have been trying to protect me from the passive abusive words of other high school students, but I’m proud of that younger version of me to stick to her guns and keep going with something she was so sure about. I performed my heart out in that monologue, made a room of people I had been in school with for four years laugh hysterically, and felt really good about myself by the end.

the last one was an assignment. we were to write our own monologues. I took myself back to a place where I was just twelve years old and my dad was leaving for the first time that I knew of. this monologue was heartbreaking because it was true. it was my thoughts and my feelings. it was my pain and hurt. it was my truth and my experience. not everyone in the room may have known that, but there were a few people who did. as I stood up, with shaking courage to perform, I sobbed through nearly the whole thing. we’ll call it a therapeutic experience. when I finished, the room was silent. I let that room of people feel a weight they hadn’t been expecting and again, I opened up a part of myself that I had been hiding away.

I look back at that girl, and I am so proud. because as afraid as that girl was, she was also fearless. in moments of what could have been embarrassment and shame, she owned her choices and decisions and she just did. she stopped caring for those few minutes and made moments that would last forever for her.

today, I struggle to find that piece of me at times. I struggle to really just do without thinking everything out first. it’s the thinking everything out piece that stops me from completing and finishing (or starting) the tasks and projects I want to do and accomplish.

if you have been in this place. if you have been sitting in this place of fear to do something you have wanted to do for far too long. or say something you have been aching to say. if you have let the projection of your own judgment onto other people toward yourself dictate your life, take a breath. hold your own hand. tell yourself it’s okay. and then just do it. don’t think, just do.

fear can’t stop you if you lean into it. fear can’t stop you if you make the active choice to be brave. fear can’t stop you if you walk forward as yourself. fear will not limit you. not anymore. and when it does, offer yourself kindness and grace because you are worthy of that and much, much more.

Love Always,

Riss

12 life tips you forgot you needed (part 1)

the last few weeks have been a roller coaster of ups and downs - what am I saying, that has been my entire life. I guess it’s a good thing I like roller coasters because otherwise, this would be terrible. however I have learned a lot through my short 29 years on this earth that I am so incredibly blessed with. so in today’s episode of my heart on a page, you’ll find unwarranted advice that you simply didn’t know you needed (or maybe needed a little reminder of). I know I certainly did.

this post will be broken up into 3 pieces so keep your eye out for the next 3 blog posts I have for you, and me, and anyone else who needs, wants, or you insist must hear it. and these are in no particular order because I believe they are all equally important depending on the season of life I am in. so take them as they apply to you!

12. build yourself a damn morning routine

            too all my people that love and hate routine at the same time (enter younger version of my conflicted self here) – I get it. you want the life that allows you to be free and open. to live a life of adventure with a certain amount of chaos sprinkled on the side. yet you also want that life that has some level of consistency to keep you grounded. if this isn’t you, that’s great because I’m sure this will still help no matter what your lifestyle is.

            first of all, if you already have a morning routine (insert round of applause) I have multiple questions – how long did it take for you to create one for yourself? do you ever get bored in your routine? do you feel like your day is more successful since you’ve made it consistent? (email me! I really do want to know!)

            for everyone else. I’m not going to tell you what to do, (also because I’m sure you’ve heard some of this before) but I’ll tell you what I have learned from my experience. over the years I have learned a lot about how having a morning routine makes me feel successful at the beginning of the day which creates higher levels of productivity. I have always teetered on some edge of consistency whether it be a shower, smoothie, or exercise. but over time I had to realize that based on my work start time, this isn’t always realistic.

            if I were to get up before work and workout today, I would be up at 3 in the morning! 4, I’m okay with, but I don’t have the wherewithal to go to bed at 7:30 every night.

            last summer I did a workshop that challenged participants to create a solid morning routine. ya’ll, I took this on and then some. I wanted to get up, meditate, do my gratitude’s, journal, do core exercises, foam roll, have lemon ginger tea and then I could do the rest of my day. that is a lot to do in an hour! that also doesn’t include physically getting myself dressed and personal hygiene. I had the intention to tackle a lot and it wasn’t manageable so it didn’t stick and I wound up feeling more discouraged than before.

            I ended up taking a break from my routine which allowed me the chance to figure out what is important to me or necessary for me at the start of my day to make me feel successful rather than overwhelmed.

            the only things I make the intention to do now are make my bed, meditate for ten minutes, and do my morning gratitude journal. some days, I don’t get to them all and that is okay! I’ve accepted my humanness to not be perfect.

my challenge to you, if you haven’t started this, pick one thing to add to your morning! just one. then once you’ve mastered that add a second. get up to three solidified in your morning routine. if you want to add more get yourself a nice rotating schedule of daily habits that no matter which of those you complete or have time for, you have already accomplished so much!

11. you best be grateful or else you be a fool

            several years ago, I put myself through a codependency program because I thought there was a lot wrong with me (thank you toxic relationships). and while I don’t classify myself as codependent rather a human being who sometimes has codependent qualities that I’m working on, I learned a lot.

            this program didn’t require it, but it encouraged doing daily gratitude’s. so, I bought myself a cute journal and made it my gratitude journal. (yes, cliché, I don’t care.) it seriously does help. at least for me and everyone else I know that has stuck to or been able to verbally acknowledge the things in life they are grateful for. and yes, I’m sure you have heard this many times before as well! I am not the first person to say this.

            finding gratitude in even the little things will change not just your day to day but your entire outlook on life.

let’s take a trip down memory lane - when I was thirteen, had they not found the tumor cutting off the circulation in my body, I could have been paralyzed. thankfully, that was not the case for me and I was able to recover fully. still, I had to relearn how to walk, dress myself, go to the bathroom by myself. I had to relearn how to physically function as a capable human being.

            some of the things that go in my journal are simply being grateful for waking up in the morning. being able to walk. being able to dress myself. being alive. I tell people that it is a great day every day that I wake up! currently I am following a journal that takes me through my days priorities, things I’m thankful for, gives me (sometimes rather sassy) quotes, and a win that I had the day before. then there is a check-in for me at the end of the day so I can circle back around.

            you guys! again, if you are not doing this, I seriously encourage you to. the world is going to start looking a whole lot different once you start acknowledging the small things in life that I know you already appreciate.

            so, to you and the twenty-year-old me – be more grateful damn it! it’s a beautiful life no matter the circumstances. you woke up and that makes it another day - another opportunity to change the world!

10. you’re allowed to feel two emotions at the same time

            this one is compliments of my friend Jess. I don’t know about you, but I sometimes feel conflicted when I’m let down by someone but understand their side at the same time…

there have been times in my life where I have struggled with two conflicting emotions. almost as if they are battling each other out. one screaming ‘but they let you down and that hurt!’ the other shouting back ‘but we understand their perspective and the situation.’

in life, not everything is going to go as planned. mistakes are going to happen, and yes, we will be disappointed by people and situations. that is a part of life. I was never taught that it’s okay to be empathetic with someone else but also be able to express my feelings about why I feel the way I do about it. (without placing blame! important people.) so I had to learn.

I’ve been on a few dates in the last couple months with a guy I really like. we had a date planned for the movies and he just so happened to take a nap a beforehand and slept a little longer than planned. I felt so conflicted inside because I could tell he felt bad about it and I understood he didn’t mean for it to happen. it didn’t take the disappointment away from something that I was really excited about though. someone I was excited about for the first time in a long time.

            my internal emotions were in straight collision with each other flying back and forth. and let me tell you, I was confused. I wanted to be upset but didn’t feel like I could be.

            that is until I had a conversation with Jess and she said ‘you can be disappointed and also be sympathetic.’ I can acknowledge what it brings up related to my own issues and insecurities and also sympathize with a mistake. with the stress of knowing I have somewhere to be right now and I’m definitely late. (that may be one of the top 10 worst feelings. the sheer anxiety and panic that sets in the body and knowing that all I can do is wait and be patient.) I totally understood what happened, that it was an accident, and how he felt.

            but I couldn’t disregard my own either. before Jess gave me that piece of advice, I thought I either felt my own feelings and was a b*tch for it or totally understood anyone else and disregarded my own. if you replace the word or with and, it changes everything.

this goes beyond romantic relationships. it applies to friendships and families. it works situationally. it could be the bagel you were excited about but they accidentally burned because they were slammed. it could be the weather on your birthday – planning a party for sun but it rains. not getting the job you wanted simply because it wasn’t the right fit or not getting an invitation to that friend’s party you desperately thought you would be invited to.

all of these invoke hurt in some way shape or form. and to that I say, it’s okay for you to feel two different things at the same time! embrace your own emotions and as long as the situation calls for it, you can understand theirs too.

9. let your friends support you (unless your friends suck, then get new friends)

            this is a big one. okay I have always been blessed with great friends. over the years, I have run in circles with inconsistent friends and friends who I’ve fallen out of friendship with and then back into friendship with. I have had friends who I can totally rely on and others that I can’t. I have had friends that were a temporary part of my life and friends that have stuck by me for decades. in each phase of my life I have had people that I love. my point is have friends! but then there is the support that comes with it.

            it can be so hard to rely on the people closest to you. there might be times when you can totally depend on them and there might be times when there is a fear to tell them anything. if they are good friends, not only will they support you, but they will also be honest with you.

            the other day I had a conversation with Jess (she really is so wise) and she set me back in check on a situation I was mentally struggling with. she was honest with me, but listened to me. she helped me see a different side of things. she brought me back down to earth while my head was busy trying to float away.

            so here we are, realizing that when I can’t be the adult in my own life, I have someone that can be. who isn’t going to just side with me but be brutally honest. we help keep each other accountable in the best way.

            when I was in Maine, I had a few friends here and there. but never enough and never any that stuck (due to some rather unfortunate circumstances). when I moved to San Diego, it became a priority that I needed a circle of people I could rely on. never again would the sole man in my life be the only person in my life.

            if you don’t have that group. if you find yourself struggling sometimes because you’re an introverted person (hi, also me sometimes), there are people out there for you who can be your confidant and who you don’t need to see every day or even every week. if you are super extroverted and struggling to find those people- they also exist. men, I can’t totally help you, but ladies, I have met some of my best friends off of bumble bff’s. so I would encourage you to look there if you don’t know where to start.

            having these people in your life is so incredibly important. we are social beings. we are not meant to live a recluse lifestyle. we need people and guess what, people need you too!

there are so many lessons in life to learn and these only touch the tip of the iceburg! how exciting is it we get to keep on learning? if there are any lessons or pieces of advice you would want others to know, email in to lovealway.me.love@gmail.com

love always,

Riss

everything might just be okay

yes, you heard it here first!… or second… or maybe more… regardless, I’m saying it, everything might just be okay. actually, everything will be okay. even when it doesn’t feel like it.

I have this belief. this belief that there is a shift in the universe saying ‘look, you were getting too comfortable and it’s time to change things up. it’s time to learn a new lessons. it’s time to get a little bolder. it’s time to find a little passion again. it’s time to get off your ass and do something bigger and better than yesterday.’

like most people, I have also struggled. there have been days when my ability to reach new heights is just not there or seems nearly impossible.

the other day for example, I was feeling so low in myself I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t get myself to write or read or get out of bed. some may call it depression, I call it getting stuck in my head. but you know that feeling when you are so overwhelmed by all the thoughts in your head that if you don’t get up and do something, or write them down or scream them out- you feel like you will explode? that feeling finally came to me.

I was exhausted and getting ready for bed and all of the angst caught up to me. it needed out. I was stuck because I stopped prioritizing my needs. so I figured I would stand at my computer and I would write whatever came out of my head and heart. let me tell you, she was mad. and annoyed. and ashamed. and embarrassed. and frustrated.

ya’ll I had been letting all of these feelings just sit inside me! like what? why do we do this to ourselves. it’s a rather aggressive journal entry but I want to share a part of it with you:

 

I didn’t write today or yesterday and I feel bad about myself for it. I’m struggling right now. I’m stressed and frustrated and struggling. I’m stressed that I still have a shitty relationship with money. That I haven’t been able to find a job. That I feel passionate about nothing. I’m frustrated that I’m alone and that even though I have amazing friends I’m still the last one single. It’s starting to make me feel like what’s wrong with me? Do I give off bad energy? Am I too rude and stubborn. Have I been too guarded…

I am very self-conscious of my financial situation. I want to have my own business and make a lot of money and be able to provide for myself. I want all of those things I want to be confident in my own skin and not feel insecure every time I take my shirt off. I am so frustrated. What am I doing wrong? I reflect and meditate and try to be a good person. I know where my weaknesses are and I’m working on them but it’s like I’m so closed off. Like I don’t know how to have fun anymore...

I feel awful right now. I’m disappointed in my body. I’m mad that my back is getting worse and nothing I do is making it better. I’m mad that I’m going to have to live with this for the rest of my life. I’m mad that I don’t have the life I want. I’m mad that I rely on my parents for support still. I’m mad that I feel unlovable. I’m mad that I let a stupid boy break my heart and hurt me. I’m mad that I allowed myself to become an entirely different person because of it. I’m mad that I can’t open up to people. I’m mad that I share my heart online just to try and make something of myself even though internally I don’t believe it’s going anywhere. I’m mad that I’ve thrown my schedule off. I’m mad that I can’t enjoy time out without thinking about the way I spend. I’m mad that I don’t have money for groceries. I’m mad that I am me. I’m so mad…

And I’m ashamed. I am ashamed that at 29 years old, I have no career, I have no direction, I have essentially no job. And because of that I’m embarrassed. Like who is going to want me with the current lifestyle I live. I went from being independent and striving to stuck in a box and living in a damn bubble. Afraid to take on more work for fear it’ll take away my ability to socialize…

And sometimes I do want to die. Sometimes I want to disappear so that I don’t have to feel all these emotions over and over again. It gets so exhausting trying to keep myself happy and trying to stay in a place where I can be certain with myself instead of constantly breaking myself down. I deserve more. I deserve to treat myself better. I deserve success and love and happiness. I deserve my own home and I deserve to have my own family. I deserve to make a fuck ton of money so that I can give to other people. I deserve to live a better life. I deserve this. I deserve all of this and more. What is this block? why do I have such a hard time getting around it? Why do I get so stuck? How do I change things. I want to know. I want the change, I want the shift. I want more. And I know no one can do it but me, but this one link is missing and most days I struggle to keep it together…

I want this year to be more than it has been in my past. I want to find the most success. I do not want to settle for less on any front. I want nothing but peace. I want peace. I want the courage to take chances and be bold. I want to accept the worst and hope for the best. I want more in my life.

(and yes, there was more)

how do we manage to let thoughts like that live inside of us? maybe more importantly, why do we let thoughts like this live inside us?

maybe I’m the only person that feels this way sometimes, but I like to think I’m not alone in at least some of these feelings. otherwise, there you go, welcome to my rather savage mind on occasion (insert awkward laugh here).

I will tell you that as soon as I released all of this emotion onto paper, I felt a lot better. did I cry? you bet your perfectly plump bottom I did. did I sit in a pity puddle from all those tears? oh yeah, definitely. did I eventually decide to stand up and mop it up? (because that’s what makes the difference) – the answer to that question is yes, yes I did!

the next morning during my meditation I decided that I needed to actually listen to my life coach and come up with some power phrases to shift my mentality when my head goes a little sideways. so my current one is … wait for it …

just have fun!

also my ego can go ahead and sit down and be quiet because the things she has to say are brutal. I wouldn’t let anyone talk to me like that so why do I let the voice in my head do it? probably because I’m human, but most likely because a small part of me has found comfort in it. comfort that I’m willing to dispense of and guess what?

I’ve got to take the universe’s hint and start to get uncomfortable again.

so will I always believe everything will be okay? no. there will be days I’ll fight tooth and nail for the painful words to be right. but deep down I’ll know and the truth because I have already accepted it. I might just have to drag it up from the soggy waters, wipe it off, and then let it glow like the luminescent feeling that it is.

so in case you forgot to remind yourself or you are struggling today or that little voice in your head is throwing jabs like you are in a fight you didn’t ask to be in, I want to remind you:

Everything will be okay.

Love always,

Riss

new year, new goals

as I sat across from my therapist, she smiled and asked me to reflect back on the goals I had set for the 2022 which consisted of:

·         reaching a level of true happiness in my life

·         setting appropriate boundaries with others

·         cultivating and maintaining personal relationships

·         embracing and accepting my emotional state and well-being

as she read these off to me, I barely recalled having set any of them, but recognizing where I have made vast improvements and where I still needed to dig a little deeper and do a little more work.

while I may not have mentioned it to her, I did feel an instant strike of nervousness about having only accomplished some of these and parts of others.

I recognize the goal of reaching a true level of happiness falls in the way of a lifelong goal. that to attain and achieve this, I must continue to live every day in the greatest state of mind. I am also a rather (and sometimes too much) realistic person and know that it is unreasonable for me to constantly be in this state of mind. I am after all human, and I will continue to struggle maybe not everyday, but as I try and work at it, fewer days than before.

I also found myself struggling to accept that while I have worked hard to achieve a level of emotional intelligence that has me welcoming and accepting my emotional state, I realized when I got tired of the emotional pain sprinkled in, I decided to stop providing comfort to myself. instead, I would disregard my feelings and find more logical ways to explain what was going on in my life. I pushed the thoughts and emotions, deep inside of me, away (in a typical reactive Marissa manner) and continued on with life. while I have started to find my way back to a sound and secure place, reinviting the lost feelings inside me and disregarded vulnerability, I have adjusted my goals for this new year.

this years goals come at a high cost but really only with the intention to continue forward on my journey in life.

1.      fall in love: This year I want to fall in love – with myself, with a partner (who I very much plan to manifest), with my work, with my passions, with life in all aspect. I want to fall in love with every person I come in contact with. falling in love goes beyond the partner, but allowing myself to be my own partner at times too.

2.      to let go of structure: despite my large affinity for sharing my heart with all of the internet and those that find their way to my page, I admittedly get stuck and rather frustrated when plans fall through. part of my lack of emotional range has caused me to build structure to offset the lack of control in my life. seeing areas I struggle to let go and just flow. so this year, I am working to keep structure where necessary, and let go of the rest.

3.      learn to effectively move through my emotions: there are times when I get complacent. I get comfortable doing nothing because it requires no work. this year, I want to continue to press forward, opening up myself to others and letting down the guard that I have carefully built over the years.

4.      be more genuine with other people: I spend so much time with other people that there are days when I feel like I am putting on a front, just to get by. where I will ask questions, but not really care. where I will appear invested but not really be. where I’m trying to just be friendly, but it’s really hard. 2023 is a year that I want to be genuinely present in every moment I am in. From putting my phone away when I am with others, to actually maintaining and being fully engaged in the conversation and information I learn about others.

5.      listen more: I find number 4 and 5 are actually connected. a lot of times, I hear myself talking and just think – ‘shut up’. no one needs to hear this story again. no one needs to know the entire play-by-play of your afternoon. but somehow I find a way to just keep going. needing to relate or let them know I relate by sharing my own stories. working this year, on listening more. on asking more questions and not caring if I get to share about me.

6.      take the pressure off myself: if there is one thing I know I am good at, it is loading on the pressure. sometimes it is so heavy, it’s unbearable. there are days when I am so hard on myself I forget to give myself kindness and compassion. two things that I easily give to others, but struggle to serve myself. this year I am taking the pressure off. if I don’t hit the deadline, if I don’t do everything I wrote down, if I don’t make every event. I take the pressure off. because this is the year of being light as a feather.

I was able to create these goals rather quickly because I knew what I needed without having to really think about it (more so, I know what I’m currently lacking.

I am excited for this year. I am excited to see what more it brings into my life. on this path toward something bigger than myself, I’m just excited to embrace life in every single moment. but you should know, I’m also terrified.

I don’t live blindly… okay, maybe sometimes. but for the most part, I struggle with fear in my life, overcoming and persevering through it. I sometimes get so afraid to make the wrong choice, that I make no choice. I find myself locked in a cycle of yes, no, yes, no. and it is daunting!

so while this year will bring in more, because I am more self-aware than last year, I know it will also bring me more challenges to face, more opportunities to grow, and more love than I could have ever imagined.

I hope this New Year brings in your heart’s desires too.

Love Always,

Marissa

holiday fever

everything seems to move a little faster – from the cars to the people all the way down to time. I watch the stores flood with people, hungry for Christmas items and baked goods. reaching for the shelves to grab every item on the list of gifts that gets longer and longer every year. dodging drivers who have had not enough sleep and too much egg nog. the hustle and bustle is riveting, and if not careful, comes in waves of stress.

and within all this chaos, some level of magic still finds a way to captivate nearly every person who celebrates some festivity during the biggest holiday season of the year.

let’s be real, the holidays can be overwhelming. they trigger the little bug inside you called holiday fever. diagnosis: builds anxiety – may cause knots in the stomach – difficulty breathing at times – nausea – impaired judgment – overspending impulses – irritation – and desire to not move from bed.

I know I find myself wondering if I will get all the gifts, write all the letters, make all the parties, have enough room for the meals, and ultimately ask if I even have enough time. there is this weight that bares down to just get it all done. I sometimes imagine it like this scene in Who Framed Roger Rabbit (or any other crazy animated cartoon) where there is a piano thrown out a window and lands right on someone below. that’s the weight I see coming toward me and while it never actually lands, the anticipation is somehow worse.

however, every single year, I manage to somehow get everything done in time! beyond that, I am in awe that my family gets it done in time (like literally the night before) but it’s still done so that Christmas day can be used for actually relaxing.

I have to admit, this has probably been the craziest, most fun, busiest holiday season I have ever had. I prioritized building a community of friends and I have watched my social circle slowly expand. (it feels really good too. I love them all!) I was gifted the ability to finally see how my life can evolve – surrounded by comfort and love.

this year was my first friendsgiving – a hopeful new tradition with my friend family that I hope will continue on for years to come. bringing warm smiles, delicious food, and incredible laughter that bounced off every wall leaving a beautiful echo for days to follow.

I also had the wonderful pleasure of organizing a cookie exchange with one of my good friends. you would have thought there were twenty people at this event. rather we were a humble group of seven, who really overbaked (no not that kind of overbaked)… but had a great time munching on some yummy cookies and desserts anyway! we built into our event a new tradition of ornament making and a polaroid picture extravaganza – striking the most ridiculous poses and finding holiday spirit within each other.

and that brings the festivities to New Year’s – where we partied from the 50’s through the 90’s and right into 2023. Jess and I organized a decades themed New Year’s party complete with an eleven hour playlist of awesome music throughout the years, fun decorations, a picture wall, and hilarious games bringing out the competitive spirit in everyone. and of course wild outfits to represent the decades before us. together we entered into 2023 with good people and good omens.

every one of these moments, has been a gift, delicately placed in my life. and every one to come, will be waiting, to be unwrapped and experienced to the fullest.

I must admit that my social calendar was not always this decadent. once littered with the introverts greatest pleasures – doing absolutely nothing all by myself – not from want, but rather built in by the fear I had programmed in my mind.

yet today, I have taught and allowed myself to embrace people and moments as a blessing. now, these are the moments I choose to live for. these are the ones I know I can always look forward to. these are the ones I will cherish for the rest of my life. these are the ones that I want. without these moments, I know where I would be – back in another life with the wrong people, celebrating life alone, wishing I hade more good people in my life, and more than willing to settle for less.

the Holiday Fever is no longer something I run from but rather run toward. I don’t let the world control the heat in my blood – I take reign of that thermostat and so far, I’ve been able to keep it at just the right pressure (even if I do push the temp every now and then). but challenging myself to stay cool, calm, collected, and always wrapped in fun.

I hope this holiday season brought you just the right fever. Enough laughter. Enough people. And enough moments that can be relived for the rest of your life.

Cheers to the brightest year to come.

Love Always,

Riss

overwhelm

have you ever put yourself in the position of extreme amounts of overwhelm? overbooking with work, work functions, social functions, school, some or all of the above?

well hello, I can relate. as a matter of fact, look at the image I picked for this post, somewhere under all those flames I am trying to put that fire out.

see I run this cycle. its like the load of whites that I just can’t seem to get white enough so I add more bleach and I run the cycle again and again until the clothes are destroyed, because bleach does that too.

this pattern falls heavily in my life. I seem to run in this circle where I will overwork myself to the point of exhaustion. where my life starts to become this big cloud of anxiety because I have so much on my plate. where I can’t simply focus on one thing, but always have to be ten steps ahead, or else I will get behind.

then the day comes where finally I explode. I can’t take it anymore so I stop everything. I blow up at the people I love. I become quiet and reserved. I become difficult to work with. I resist anything that is different from my own thoughts and opinions and I firmly believe it has to do with my upbringing and how I have set my mentality.

to be totally honest, I actually haven’t been in this bad of a place in a long time. I set my boundaries to no work on weekends. then I changed that to accommodate one of the places I work to help out with a class. then I fell in love with programming and getting creative for that class so I took it on fully. then I changed my job around and decided I could work at least one day on weekends for a few hours now limiting my life, availability, and how I want to live.

and that’s only half of it. I extended my working hours for the potential to bring in more income. but what do we say? we don’t wait for potential. in order to get it, we have to just go for it. unfortunately, if you are not inclined to sell to people or pull them into your circle because you have a quota to hit, it doesn’t really work.

but I can also pull in the stress and say that adds to it, sending my mind into a shut down that makes it impossible to accomplish anything.

but then we have the social circle. and while I love being social with my friends, I can feel work dragging the life out of me making it difficult for me to want to attend events outside of my bed.

are you tired yet just reading this?

most of this is a vent. but it is my heart and my truth and it is part of my mission to share that with you so that you can see the real me all the time. maybe you can relate in some way. but I wanted to share today, my overwhelm that happens when I re-prioritize based on the needs of others and what happens when I put my own on a shelf to be dusted off at a later date.

life should be fun and exciting. when we do too much, that excitement disappears. when we work too hard, the exhaustion sets in and replaces life with a numbness that embodies every part of us just so that we can get through another day.

I could sit here and list off to you what I don’t want. it would be rather easy. but don’ts are negative and that only brings those things in. so here it is instead:

I want a life that is full of excitement every single day

I want a career that I will wake up and be excited about sitting down to do

I want energy that radiates from me allowing everyone to see the light that I hold

I want to give other people energy simply by loving the life I live

I want time to myself and time for my friends and time for my family

I want happiness beyond belief

I want to spark change

I want to genuinely connect with others and build long lasting relationships because I value the human race

and beyond all – I want more love in my life and to make others feel a little less alone every single day

I can want these things but the real question - how do I get to them? my hunch, start by letting go of the overwhelm and letting these be my guide instead. and then just do and see what happens from there.

so I ask you today, put aside the don’ts, the cant’s, the wonts and tell me:

what do you want? (seriously email me because I would love to know!)

love Always,

Riss

when life gives you lemons

when life gives you lemons…

I lived in Maine for 3 years almost to the day I left. and while I have some wonderfully traumatic events that consumed me, I also have some incredibly simple, beautiful, isolated moments.

I want to share a short story with you. one I hope you can take with you and share with others. one that will give you a new perspective on your own possibilities.

one day, toward the end of winter, I was walking into work. at the time I lived only a quick seven-minute walk. although on days like this, it may have taken closer to twelve while I shuffled over black ice and glided through slush lining the uneven brick across Portland’s streets.

if you have never been to Portland, you should go. it is a beautiful little city. (I say little because the main part of the city is about a mile across.) my favorite time of year is fall – but nowhere I have been yet beats the New England fall leaves so I am a little biased.

I digress.

in the heart of this small city is monument square. dressed with a beautiful Christmas tree, decorative lights, and mother natures natural ambiance. surrounded by several local restaurants and café’s and while not my favorite street of Portland, I did have the pleasure of passing through it every morning.

I was working at a gym as the operations assistant and group fitness coordinator and was also the opener – so I was there around 5/5:30 Monday through Friday morning. needless to say, my walks were freezing cold on pre, middle of, and post winter days (because winters in Maine last 6 months).

I was never nervous walking alone that early. some days I had peaks of anxiety because of the homeless population. the rational part of me, never thought I would ever be attacked or approached. but the anxiety ridden part of me well… she could come alive real fast.

on this one particular morning, there were actually two people in the square, which was far more than normal at five in the morning on a winter day. I struggled to scurry past quick enough to avoid comments or interactions with the people there – I will admit, there is a piece of me that feels a little shallow and like a terrible person for those thoughts. but I also believe it is natural to be on edge.

except I was stopped.

the stop wasn’t more than several seconds but it was enough to stir my heart and my mind.

this woman who had been rummaging through a garbage bin had been talking to herself. as I was making my way past, head down, alarms up, her words became more clear.

she stopped me more with her words than with the actual intent to stop me and said:

when life gives you lemons, what do you do?

and after a very short pause, I continued on to get to work. but I went with those words locked in my mind.

I was startled, stunned, shocked, but most of all - I was moved.

I don’t remember what exactly was going on in my life at that point, but I know that I had been struggling with something, most likely in my relationship, at the time. so when this woman asked this simple question, it made me dig into myself deeper than I had been willing to go.

scared to make moves and make changes, and not recognizing the opportunities lain all around me, I was stagnant and stuck in my life. I would say unfortunately, but we don’t believe in unfortunate events here, instead we relish in those moments and embrace them as learning moments. however it did take me a couple years to grasp onto the meaning of that question and how it would impact my life. how today it is a question I often find myself coming back to in order to reconnect with my life.

see the phrase

when life gives you lemons, make lemonade

has the implication to mean that when you are handed a gift or opportunity, turn it into the potential of what it could be.

I on the other hand, now have a different thought on that. why make lemonade, when I can take those lemons and make something so much greater. why stop at the easy option and instead go further. why not see more potential and more opportunity within what those lemons hold.

when I am blessed with gifts in this life, which happens to be every day, I do more than make lemonade. I build on those lemons, I use them as a foundation to boost myself further and make advances in all areas of my life: career, family, friends, hopes, dreams… you get the point.

I don’t sit in stagnation anymore. do I linger sometimes? absolutely. I am after all, only human. but I am a human who is willing to change and grow into someone that will do more with the life I’ve been given so that I can give back to others.

so next time you find yourself handed something that you weren’t expecting. handed more time. more work. more opportunities. more ideas. more grace. more love.

 

I ask you:

what will you do?

love always,

Riss

a beautiful day to be alive

when was the last time you stopped and just took a long slow breath. not to calm down. not to ease anxiety. not to find your patience. but simply to just breathe.

four times a day, my phone reminds me to take deep breaths. it’s this reminder that pulls me back into whatever moment I am in. sometimes I’m driving and my mind has wandered to faraway lands. sometimes I’m reading lost in someone else’s story. sometimes I’m working but thinking about the guy or my friends or family or the millions of other things I want or need to get done.

but without fail - every single time I am reminded to breathe, I come back into me.

there is simplicity in breath. there is truth. there is peace. and so often we take it for granted.

I tell my body combat class on Monday nights, every day we wake up is a good day. each moment is a blessing. each breath is ours.

and think about that for a moment, we give so much to other people: our thoughts, opinions, words, time, space, homes, love, etc. but your breath- that is yours. you get to keep that and it belongs to you.

without breath, we would not stand. we would not wake up. we would not be able to live the full amazing lives we are blessed with. breath is the greatest gift we as humans, have been given.

so I challenge you this weekend and every day for the next week to come back to your breath. write yourself sticky notes, put reminders in your phone, ask your friends to send reminders. and allow yourself those tiny moments to simply be with you.

you are a gift. you are amazing. you are you and that is enough.

  Love Always,

Riss

The imPerfect Body

*trigger warning for anyone struggling with eating disorders

*if you or anyone you know is struggling with eating disorders you can call (866)256-3563 for support.

some of what I have written below is unknown to nearly anyone in my life including the therapists I have had over the years - so to the friends and family that have been my support, I love you and am so grateful for everything you have done for me. your support has not gone unnoticed or unappreciated. you have all saved me in more ways than I can count.

this is a moment of pure vulnerability so please read with a kind heart. and if you or anyone you know might benefit from this and knowing you are not alone please share this and please reach out if there is anything I can do to support you.

**********************************************************************

For the last twenty years, I have struggled with the idea that my body is not perfect. With that comes the idea that in order for it to be perfect I need to eat a certain way – which is not eating or binging and then purging.

While the adolescent version of me didn’t necessarily pertain to these methods, the young adult version did. I can remember the first time I sat thinking about what I “needed” to do to get my body to where I wanted it to be. How could I possibly attain this level of perfection that I had been envisioning since I was playing with Barbie’s.

Yes, I will say that I wholeheartedly believe Barbie had a huge effect on my mental state, amongst many other things. From growing up in the world of dance to constantly comparing myself to my sisters and friends. Hearing comments about my body from my dad. Never feeling wanted by anyone all through high school. Constantly feeling like even if I did scream, no one would hear and certainly, no one would care was a burden I took to mean I wasn’t beautiful and that’s why no one liked me.

(If I could go back in time I would squeeze that little girl and tell her she is the most beautiful greatest thing on this planet and everything is going to be okay.)

My freshman year of college was when I finally decided to do something about the way I looked. It started by finally getting into the gym. I would get up early and go before class, but it still didn’t do enough for me fast enough. The levels of perfection so carefully carved into my mind felt even further away than before. So… my friend Kristen and I sat down and decided to make a pact….

We would starve ourselves and workout more and we would do it together. Hold each other accountable. Check in with each other. Make sure the slow deterioration of our bodies was happening at a steady state. We weren’t going to do it forever, we just wanted to drop some weight fast. That’s what I told myself anyway.

I truly believed that was the only way that I would be attractive to people. Sometimes I still believe it. It certainly isn’t easy and it can be scary. When friends, male friends to be more specific, started commenting on how good I was looking, it made it easier to keep going. To sit in the dining hall, nursing a water or a small salad because “I wasn’t hungry”. I could feel the fatigue taking a toll though.

Every morning was more difficult than the last to get up. Every morning was like a giant weight holding me down. Every workout was harder and harder and every day I was a little more disappointed in myself.

You know there is part of me that wishes someone had cared enough to ask if I was alright. Not that people didn’t care, but no one was concerned. Which in turn made me feel worse. Realizing that I was so overweight, that when I starved myself to a point of reaching a true healthy weight I finally became more attractive. It confirmed everything I had been telling myself. It was definitive that being unhealthy would make me look healthy. That was all the confirmation I needed to understand that temporary was going to last a lot longer.

As the weeks went on, Kristen and I would talk about how exhausted we were and how that must mean it’s working. Even after our pact died off, I stopped eating as much and when I did, I felt so much guilt and shame I would cry myself to sleep – disgusted. The guilt radiated. It was like this evanescent glow lingering in the background of my mind: dim and worn but strong enough to pull me down. Taunting and teasing me- keeping me locked in the shadows of my own mind. Scared of myself and what I would do next, but ready to keep going anyway.

So when I started eating again and after the guilt had surmounted to an unreasonable amount, that was when I took to the toilet. I’ll be honest, the first time I tried, it did not go well, which ironically, makes that a good thing. With the thought of giving up looming, I dug into the resilient part of me and refused to let one try be the end all be all. So I tried again and you know what? I succeeded.

I started to indulge in the food from Southside Dining Center and would follow it up with a quick trip to the toilet to rid my body of the crap normally referred to as nutrients and sustenance.

I did try to stop. Multiple times. I actually remember one moment very clearly. I had just had sushi with friends and we were back in the dorm lounge. I had this combative conversation running through my mind –

Don’t do it. You know it’s not good for you.

So what? It feels good. Plus you just put a whole lot of fat and grime in your body why wouldn’t you?

Because it isn’t healthy. There are other ways.

None as quick or efficient as this.

I won’t give in.

But you will.

And I did. I sat in front of that toilet for ten minutes before I did anything that night. After puking everything out of my system, I knew I needed to call my mom.

Crying on the phone, I told her what had been going on. She did the right thing. Other than be the most supportive person I could have asked for, she told me I was coming home at the end of the semester and we would figure out what to do when I was back. Therapy was not a choice and in order to go back to school, I had to get things right again. I told no one why I was leaving except for the guy who would later be my first boyfriend. Sounds silly when I say it now, but I was ashamed of what I had allowed to become of myself. Since my self judgement was already heavy, I didn’t want the weight of other people’s thoughts and opinions too.

The funny thing is, I still didn’t achieve the body I wanted. It still wasn’t enough.

I wasn’t enough.

Having family right in the other room should have been some semblance of motivation, them watching out for me, but honestly, it never is because at the end of the day it all comes from inside. It’s my own self-worth that wasn’t measuring up. It was the constant comparisons and lack of emotionally stable parents growing up that led me down this trail of self-deprecating thoughts and actions.

(Of course I don’t blame them anymore. I believe people are just doing the best they can, even when it hurts. Things were what they were and I’m a better person today for all of it. I wouldn’t trade those experiences for the world.)

Jump forward another 10 years and we have reached present day me. The evolution of me has not been perfect and in these continuous blog posts I will continue to let you into the dark moments in my life as well as some of the brightest.

I am still on this journey. I still struggle with my body at times and I do have my bad days. Days when I find myself hovering over a toilet bowl or finding other ways to cleanse my system. It hurts and it is never fun and the wave of guilt that passes over never changes or lessens. It remains prominent and bold. Demanding of attention I do not wish to give it but somehow cater to all the same. Ashamed that no one will love me because I’m still struggling with this.

I wish I could say now I have achieved “perfect”, but this has been one of the biggest lessons in my life around the ideal of perfection:

If we constantly seek perfection, we will never get there. Skinny enough will never be enough. Strong enough will never be strong enough. Smart enough will never be enough. It’ll never be the right time or the right person. Nothing will ever be enough.

So why did I share all of this? Not to bring you down or give you a moment of woe is me, but to share that the continual search for perfection leads nowhere good.

Instead, I have been working on learning how to accept progress and let go of everything else. I don’t have to be perfect, and neither do you. We are human and the only thing that matters is finding love for ourselves in ourselves. This is not easy for a lot of people and I recognize that. All we can do is keep trying, putting one foot in front of the other.

I believe we are all capable of love. I believe we are all capable of loving ourselves for ourselves. Most importantly, I believe that we are destined for more than we will ever be able to give ourselves credit for.

These words do not come lightly. These words are from the bottom of my heart.

You are a gift. You are a gift as you are in this walk of life and in this moment. You will continue to be a gift and no matter what perfection you are struggling to achieve, I will be here to say I love you and you have a friend in me.

Love always is more than loving others, it’s loving ourselves too. Sometimes we just need to hear it first.

Love Always,

Riss

Am I Good Enough?

Photo by Berkan Kucukgal

Am I good enough?

There are moments of doubt that linger in my head and provoke unwarranted thoughts of ‘Am I good enough?’ I spend hours thinking to myself, sometimes too much, about the talent and skills I believe I have. Questioning if success is attainable with them or if my natural talents are useless.

When it boils down to it and when I check through my seven stages of why, I find the desire for my success comes from the fire boiling in the base of my soul, to show my future family they can do anything and make their dreams come to life. My other purpose? To add value to the world. To leave this world greater than I came into it and make a mark that will connect individuals.

So yes! I do question whether I am good enough to do this. Whether my voice deserves to be heard. Whether my writing will speak to anyone or if it will be empty words on a page. And you know what, I question it almost every day, and that is okay.

I believe we all have something in life we are striving toward, big or small. Trying to get that promotion or start that workout routine. Maybe it’s trying to make small shifts to a diet. Maybe it’s practicing saying I love you to more people in your life or taking 60 seconds of silence for yourself every day. It could be so many things, but we are always working toward something. And whether you’ve been working at it for 1 day or 5 years, guess what? That beacon of doubt will come. There will be tests and moments of wondering what the fuck you are doing. It won’t stop. I wish I could tell you that it would.

This is the fun part- learn to validate and empower yourself. Write yourself sticky notes and put them everywhere. Set reminders on your phone. Schedule the time to achieve your goals. Ask your friends or family to remind you that you are doing a great job. Look at these things every single day and watch how those clouds of doubt start to turn into little whisps in the sky.

I am starting to structure my life to find ways out of that spot too! You are not alone, even if it feels like it. And while it isn’t easy, I do it anyway because I don’t want to look back on my life and wonder what if. I don’t want to look back and wish I had. I don’t want to regret a single moment of my life. That’s not in my cards, and that, I am sure of.

I can’t tell you what will make that feeling of doubt evaporate for you because we are all wonderfully different, but I can tell you this:

Keep going and don’t stop if your heart is in it.

Find your passions and live them. Allow them to breathe into your life and build you up.

On those dark cloudy days, where the thunder is booming insecurity after insecurity, telling you:

You can’t or You shouldn’t or You don’t matter or You aren’t enough

Put on your noise-cancelling headphones, walk into the storm, and then proceed to prove yourself right. Proving yourself right will be all the validation you need that you, indeed, are good enough.

Love Always

Riss